Reykjavík Grapevine - 19.05.2006, Blaðsíða 24

I am hairy. More so, in fact, than any other higher
order primate. I imagine this quality is some sort of a
Darwinian response to the harsh climate, or I would,
were it not that the majority of my countrymen are
without body hair. In any case, I have body hair, and
body hair is a mess to work with when it comes to
fashion.
Until you’ve had a full body wax treatment,
you will never fully appreciate the horrendous pain
involved in proper manly grooming. I’m not here
to one-up the Brazilian Bikini Wax, but from ear
to pinky toe, I deal with 45 minute power-waxing
sessions on a regular basis. The nipples are ex-
tremely sensitive, I’ll tell you that much. Interestingly
enough, though, having hair removed from you but-
tocks is not so much painful as it is awkward.
Yet, this is something that society calls for. Just
as the rules of thirty years ago pronounced a faux pas
on white linen suits after labour day, it is impossible
to wear a white wife beater with bodily hair bulging
underneath it like shoulder pads. Even an Oxford
button-down is indecent when the natural turtleneck
appears at the top. This is to say nothing of exercise
gear: if Ketill had a krona for every time he’s been
asked about his lopa peysa while rollerblading shirt-
less, he would be a rich man.
Most importantly, bodily hair significantly im-
pairs my tribal tattoo designs.
I have tried other ways in my battle against bodily
hair. For a while, I amused myself and (mostly) others
by shaping different forms by trimming and combing
the hair on my chest. In an episode of Queer Eye For
A Straight Guy, Kyan, the grooming specialist – and
my hero – offered the advice that correct trimming of
bodily hair could be used to accentuate, or even give
the illusion of a more muscular body. Being a big fan
of Kyan’s, I’ve followed his advise, with mixed results.
A mix of Bed Head hair mud and standard issue
mouse gave me pecs that rivalled Arnold in his Mr.
Universe days, but, overall, I’d have to say that trim-
ming and gelling is not a good option. It only keeps
the hair at bay for short period of time, and the more
you trim it the faster it grows.
Trimming also does weird things for my tan. The
thicker hair acts like a sunscreen when I visit a so-
larium, and sort of like an umbrella when I get a spray
tan. The effect is that I get these weird streaks in my
tanning. Streaks are very uncool.
Which leaves us with waxing as the only realistic
option.
It seems so long ago, but once a hairy chest was
actually thought to be manly AND fashionable.
Sean Connery was a sex symbol, despite the hair
on his shoulders. Burt Reynolds in a buttoned
down shirt with his chest hairs poking out
used to make women shiver.
Instead, my generation has Brad Pitt and
David Beckham. And that guy who does the
gardening for Eva Longoria’s character on
Desperate Housewives. I really wish that
guy would just keep his shirt on.
Fashion always moves in cycles though. I realise
that one day, bodily hair will not be a burden to me,
but an actual fashion accessory. Lord knows that
facial hair has taken off – as demonstrated by my own
impeccably groomed beard, which I grew in a long
weekend. Still, even when stranded on an island,
hunks like Matthew Fox are allowed stubble on the
chin, but the chest is all but bare.
Still, I have hope that one day chest hair will
come ‘round, and this hope makes my trips to the
beauty salon to get waxed seem worth it. Because
when that day comes, I will have the upper hand. It
is a lot easier for me to have bodily hair removed than
it will be for guys with no hair on their chest to have
it surgically implanted once they make a comeback.
Take that Brad Pitt.
By Ketill the Angry
THE MODERN VIKING FOOD TIP
THE MODERN VIKING FASHION TIP
Summer Means Waxing
Short Shorts
Summer is around the corner, so it is time to bring
out the shorts. This summer it is all about cut-offs,
Tobias Fünke style. Keep them short (they are called
shorts for a reason) as to reveal more of that muscular
and finely tanned thigh, and carefully trim the loose
end at the hems. This is no longer the age of the
boxer shorts, and you should demonstrate that
your boys are with it, and well housed.
A V-neck T-Shirt will also go well with
shorts. It is nicely underscores you hairless
chest and allows you to reveal the obligatory
dog-tag necklace.
Summer is for Carbs
Summer is the only season that Ketill dares to indulge
in the wheat products, but I have to admit, in the hot
summer sun, Ketill goes for the carbs.
All you protein freaks, you know you miss the
sandwich, or just the roll or croissant. A piece of fish
simply feels indecent when snacking at a cosy café, or
when chatting with friends over a fresh, fruity wine.
So Ketill recommends carbs yes, fat no. You can
still go with lean cuts of meat, but dodge the Atkins
influence.
TAKE THE WARMTH
WITH YOU!
Open:
Monday - Friday:
9:00 - 18:00
Saturdays:
9:00 - 16:00
Wool & Souvenirs Shop
in a Country Village near the city
Since 1896
Reykjavík
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osfellsbæ
r
Þingvellir
Grafa
rvogu
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dge -
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rholt
HYDROGEN
Álafossvegur 23 - Mosfellsbær
Tel. 566 6303 - www.alafoss.is
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