Reykjavík Grapevine - 11.03.2011, Blaðsíða 35

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The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 3 — 2011 All our celebrities are so wonderful, and they make life on the island a lot more
bearable. Being able to follow their adventures in the local media is probably one
of the best reasons to learn Icelandic! Go for it!
poetry | Eiríkur Örn Norðdahl
Plato, in The Republic, wished
to ban all poets. He felt their
work was neither ethical,
philosophical nor pragmatic—
that poetry kindled undesired emotions,
wreaked havoc upon true knowledge
and was furthermore useless. What
Plato failed to see (and I realise this
critique may be coming a bit late in the
game) is that kindling undesired emo-
tions (like fear, sorrow, anger etc.—nev-
ermind lust!) is not only cathartic but
often a hearts-and-mind-altering expe-
rience which puts the reader into direct
emotional contact with a broader array
of humanity than otherwise possible,
it literally helps to foster and engage
our empathy, our feeling for common
humanity; while I can think of nothing
more useful to society than bashing the
arrogance of true knowledge, which is
never more than socially approved ide-
ology designed to propagate the status
quo (and thus keeping the fat cats fat).
The problem, though, is that po-
etry really doesn't do much of this any-
more. The undesired emotions poets
once stirred have long since lost their
symbolic importance, become nothing
but weak floral imagery stripped of its'
petals, as likely to rouse a spirit of lust
or revolution as a bare ankle in public
(incidentally "bare ankle" is the least
Googled concept in the history of the in-
ternet). Its euphemising is mundane, its
philosophy self-evident and its postur-
ing literally intolerably obnoxious.
Added to this is that poets lost most
of their desire to shock and awe ages
ago—and perhaps lost the knack for it
as well. As poets kept breaking more
and more aesthetic rules—abandoning
rhyme and rhythm, euphemizing about
modern mundaneity instead of God and
Country etc.—they unknowingly built a
tradition of constantly excusing them-
selves and religiously bowing down in
(pseudo) humility and claiming them-
selves unworthy of anything ranging
from their own talent to the presence of
tradition, readers, other writers, what-
ever you threw at them (if you discount
the regular generic rant of sic transit glo-
ria mundi, a mandatory behaviour with-
out which poets become outcasts from
award-winning cocktail parties—do you
now understand why I've been writing
for the Grapevine all this time? Without
this column I would have to buy my own
booze).
The people once known to be car-
riers of dangerous ideas gradually be-
came apologists for their art, their out-
look and their own existence, incapable
of saying anything important, victims not
only of a constantly stronger and more
demanding social fabric but caught up
in an endless circle of bickering between
the stupidly incorrect and the mor-
ally austere; modernity having forced
intellectual revolutionaries to become
Victorians in sexual matters, censors in
ethical matters and bigots towards the
(seemingly) less educated (The 'oh, she
conjugated a verb in the wrong way, I
wish somebody'd rip her titties off' sort
of view on life). None of which is any-
where near dangerous enough to war-
rant attention.
And when Icelandic artists engage
in the political (mostly because it's a
post-crisis fad) it's mainly to relegate
19th century ideas about nature and
class—that mountains are beautiful and
Icelanders've all been equal all along
(well fuck you very much)—if not down-
right to promote their own populistic
disavowal of the political, as rampantly
stupid now as when the Führer started
the trend almost a century ago.
Plato, as I said, wished to ban poets
from the Republic, for emotionally and
philosophically undermining the state
and thus being useless to its existence. I,
on the other hand, would argue that pre-
cisely because poets do NOT undermine
the state—emotionally, philosophically,
politically, epistemologically, sociophilo-
logically etc.—they certainly are becom-
ing useless enough to warrant their total
excommunication, not only from the best
of cocktail parties, but from the Republic
itself.
on The urgent necessity of Banning poets
celebrities | YUM!
While America is awash in third gen-
eration entitlematon celebrity and other
fruit of Satan's loins and the UK drags
fame-starved Urukhais out of the Sing-
Star mud to sate the gossip beasts, Ice-
land is content to contend with a differ-
ent brood of idiots.
Most celebrities in Iceland are the
kind of pointless fame whores who
crave the spotlight like they need it for
photosynthesis. But a good third of the
bunch will be unwitting balls in a nation-
wide scrotum-adjustment.
Here's a quick rundown of the latest
celebrities in Iceland and how they came
to be so excellently important.
Jón STóRi
Jón Stóri is a sane, so-
ber and not-at-all vio-
lent man who happens
to sometimes assist
people in tracking
down stubborn debtors
[please don't kill me,
Jón]. He landed in the
spotlight following a
couple of high-profile arrests. One in-
volved a SWAT team invading his house
after he was allegedly mistakenly seen
brandishing a gun on his lawn. He
turned to the media to complain about
unjust profiling looking like a tweaking
fridge that had been beaten with a mal-
let. A few months later he was taken into
questioning over what was originally
thought to be a racial dispute but turned
out to be simple, run-of-the-mill vio-
lence. He turned to the media again to
complain about this incessant profiling
looking like a shaved grizzly bear run-
ning on mayhem-fumes.
He has now done countless TV and
radio interviews and been the subject
of a recent book. He is always unusually
candid about his past and current activi-
ties and openly admits to it being fuelled
by insecurity.
He was not available for comment as
he was busy assisting us in collecting a
debt from ourselves.
points of reference:
Chopper Read, Charlie Bronson, lov able
scoundrels, sizeable cannibals.
VAlA GRAnd
Vala is a post-op M2F
transgender person of
Asian descent. She may
not be the first person
to have that surgery
done in Iceland but is at
least the second trans-
person to become a
media personality, with
Anna Kristjánsdóttir being the first. But
whereas Anna Kristjánsdóttir is a highly
trained mechanic and prolific political
blogger, Vala is armed with a camera
and an attention barrel that needs filling.
In 21st century Iceland, that means Vala
is a clear winner.
Personality-wise, think valley-girl
with a head injury. But that just amounts
to Paris Hilton so that's not particularly
exciting. The true star of the show is
Vala's father, a massively endearing old-
school Icelander, who shuffles around,
issuing compliments to Vala in a bari-
tone grumble while she struts her stuff
and tries to meet other celebrities. I don't
know his back story and I don't want to
know but I imagine him as a tipsy former
sailor that's been Twilight Zoned into a
bad French farce and now he can't seem
to find an exit without running into a
confused maid shouting her head off.
Thanks to her father we know the
value of quietly going along with the
insanity of videotaping your newfound
daughter discussing her surgery in
stomach turning detail.
Thanks to Vala, the word ‘stafur’ (“cane”)
will feed the nightmares of generations
to come.
points of reference:
David Cronenberg, Todd Solondz, purse
dogs.
GillzEnEGGER AkA Gillz AkA
STöRE AkA ol' diRTY BASTARd
Iceland recently passed
a law barring persons
under the age of eigh-
teen from tanning sa-
lons. Gillz is a large, vain
tramp stamp on the na-
tional soul who's only
two talking points are a)
Get tan! and b) Get
beefed up! As the under 18s are his core
audience, this might jeopardize Gillz's
future.
Gillz' climb from humble chauvinist
blogger to the top of the celebrity shit-
pile has been an amazing thing to be-
hold. Using nothing but his upper-body
strength and his ability to come up with
super clever words for the lady bits, he
was able to build an empire that includ-
ed a television series, bestselling books,
countless ads and walk-ons and more
interviews than you can shake a stafur
at.
His books contain tips on everything
from pubic-grooming to pick-up lines
and give an excellent perspective on the
much-vaunted bibliophilia of Icelanders.
Having come this far, I guess a mea-
sly tanning law is unlikely to quell the
meteoric rise of this self-loving, self-
appointed, self-help guru.
points of reference:
Hilariously muscle-bound, orange and
considers himself a comedian—clearly
Carrot Top.
ToBBA MARínóS
When Gillzenegger is
busy at home in his
skinsuit, listening to
‘Goodbye Horses’ and
working through his is-
sues with the female
anatomy, he’ll some-
times send out a sen-
tient garden gnome
with a frighteningly wide glabella called
Tobba Marínós.
Tobba is a dating advice blogger and
gossip scribbler who thrust her way into
the limelight sometime last year. Now
best known as the author of some Car-
rie Bradshaw-esque monstrosity and
an upcoming TV-series based on said
crime against humanity (much better
proof that God hates this country than
that volcano aerial view that looked like
Satan). As the female version of Gillz,
you would think she would try to coun-
teract his bare-assed misogyny, but in-
stead she gangs up with Gillz in a pincer
movement on sanity—a kind of loboto-
mized Robin to his Down’s syndrome
Batman.
points of reference:
Tracy Cox, Critters, Critters 2, Critters 3,
Critters 4.
ÁSdíS RÁn
If Vala Grand is a repur-
posed vintage car that
has been sent to the
drag races with a mint
V8 engine and a new
chassis, Ásdís is more
of a Honda Civic with
expensive subwoofers
and an oversized spoiler
cruising for susceptible teenagers.
Playboy [Bulgaria] model, product
spokesperson and exploiter of glacial
analogies coming to a soft-drink event
in an Eastern-European city near you.
She has blossomed from a footballer's
wife traipsing around in her underwear
to building a career as a model and
launching her own cosmetic line... while
traipsing around in her underwear. She
has sometimes dressed that up as fe-
male empowerment.
She might not make a very convinc-
ing feminist but Ásdís has her bright
sides—her tireless self-promotion and
drive (not to mention tread!) is quite en-
dearing and she's not without a sense of
humour about the whole thing. A kind
person could say she is a miniature Jayne
Mansfield. An unkind person would say
that Ásdís Rán is the president-in-chief
and sole member of the Advocates For
the Amazingly Majestic Woman and
Honestly Oawesome Ásdís Rán (also
known as A.F.A.M.W.H.O.A.R.).
points of reference:
Jayne Mansfield driving a Honda Civic.
A FoREiGnER'S GuidE To ThE conFuSinG
WoRld oF icElAndic cElEBRiTiES
RAGnAR EGilSSon
lóA hJÁlMTÝSdóTTiR
Medieval Manuscripts – eddas and sagas
the ancient vellums on display
iceland :: FilM – Berlin – copenhagen – reykjavík
icelandic Filmmaking 1904-2008
cHild OF HOpe – Youth and Jón sigurðsson
tribute to the leader of the independence Movement
exHiBitiOns - guided tOurs
caFeteria - culture sHOp
the culture House – Þjóðmenningarhúsið
National Centre for Cultural Heritage
Hverfisgata 15 · 101 Reykjavík (City Centre)
Tel: 545 1400 · www.thjodmenning.is
Open daily between 11 am and 5 pm
Free guided tour of THe Medieval Manu­
sCRipTs exhibition Mon and Fri at 3 pm.