Reykjavík Grapevine - 20.06.2014, Side 26

Step into
the Viking Age
Experience Viking-Age Reykjavík at the
new Settlement Exhibition. The focus of the
exhibition is an excavated longhouse site which
dates from the 10th century ad. It includes
relics of human habitation from about 871, the
oldest such site found in Iceland.

Multimedia techniques bring Reykjavík’s
past to life, providing visitors with insights
into how people lived in the Viking Age, and
what the Reykjavík environment looked like
to the first settlers.
The exhibition and
museum shop are open
daily 10–17
Aðalstræti 16
101 Reykjavík / Iceland
Phone +(354) 411 6370
www.reykjavikmuseum.is
26 The Reykjavík GrapevineIssue 08 — 2014
More than ten years have passed since Icelandair ran their “Fancy a dirty weekend in
Iceland” and “Pester a beauty queen” ad campaigns internationally (yes, those were
actual ad campaigns). Yet, their message lingers on. With the help of the internet and
various sad articles detailing “how to score an easy Icelandic chick,” partaking in 101
Reykjavík nightlife over the months of June, July and August is a horrible experience
for your average, Icelandic looking lady.
“Ewwww. Several times tourists have
asked me for directions, claiming they
don’t know where their hotel is. After giv-
ing careful directions, they act as if they
didn’t understand, and ask me to show
them where it is—and tell me my reward
will be a drink in their hotel room. Drinks
in Iceland are of course soooooooo expen-
sive that I must accept such a generous of-
fer. Or what? *sigh*”
-Setta María
Browsing online, you’ll find a lot of het-
eronormative articles on the subject of
“How To Score In Iceland!” and “How
To Land An Icelandic Beauty!” I have yet
to come across an article on “How To Lay
An Icelandic Lad,” though. This is prob-
lematic. Sometimes I even feel guilty not
just going for it every time some tourist
offers his tongue. Maybe our currency
would be a lot stronger if I had just gone
home with every single dirty weekender
that has harassed me over the past de-
cade. Just closing my eyes and thinking
of Iceland.
“Sometimes it feels like they think they pur-
chased a pass to my body with their airline
ticket.”
-Klara Arnalds
I have on two separate occasions been
forced to ask flight attendants to find me
a different seat on flights to Iceland, be-
cause the guy sitting next to me basically
got going as soon the plane took off. The
first one was an American gentleman on
his way from New York. I had “known”
him for all of four minutes when he in-
sisted that I join him in the bathroom for
some mile-high action. Not only was he
inappropriate, he was also a sad cliché.
The other guy was a bit more flexible,
an Englishman travelling from London.
When he realised I was not really keen on
fucking him, he told me he was into “other
Icelandic beauties like me.”
Some start off more subtly—stating
they admire how independent, free and
sexually open Icelandic ladies are.
And then: Boom. Lets fuck. Within ten
minutes. Let’s fuck.
“I have the hardest time with this when I am
DJ-ing. They start by asking random ques-
tions that aaaany person could answer. And
then they stand there and stare… And then
they eventually start saying inappropriate,
dirty, disgusting stuff. And you can’t get
away.”
-Sigrún Skaftadóttir
Roosh V., author of the book (yes, book!)
‘Bang Iceland,’ recommends cornering
the local ladies, isolating them from their
friends. Girls who work as DJs, like Sigrún
and myself, are already alone and cannot
get away. Girls working at nightlife estab-
lishments all tell the same story. Walking
through a crowded bar at this time of year
means inevitably tripping over a sea of
boners that are (accidentally) poking your
thigh.
The travelling Casanovas buy the girls
shots, as they’ve been instructed to in
one article or the other. One such feat of
journalism offers this advice: “Get. Them.
Drunk. One will eventually fall for you—
and if you don’t find one at the bar, you can
probably grab some crazy party girl at the
obligatory afterparty.” The article does
mention that a great rule of thumb is not to
go home with a girl who is too intoxicated
to keep up a conversation.
Thanks, you guys. Thanks for being so
considerate.
Another article even offers statistics:
If you hit on 46 women, one of them will
definitely take off her pants for you.
“One American told me he had been here for
three days without ‘getting his dick wet,’ and
asked me what he was doing wrong. I told
him that this was a gathering of people, not
a puddle of genitalia, and that knowing this
would probably aid him in his mission.”
-Gunnar Hrafn Jónsson
The sole piece of advice that’s missing
from all those helpful articles is this: if a
person is having a problem getting laid
on their home turf, it’s probably not going
to be any easier to elsewhere. This seems
obvious. But it isn’t.
The other night I was with a group of
friends. The guys wanted to hit the town,
but us dolls wanted to stay put. “I’m not in
the mood for all that ‘dirty weekend’ ha-
rassment,” one remarked. The guys were
surprised that this actually was a prob-
lem. After some explaining and relaying
of stories—and yes, all of us females had
at least one story to share—we decided to
skip the bars and clubs for the night.
Indeed, at this time of year, some
establishments lose all their charm. If
a local wanders in, the guests look as if
they’ve seen a rare animal on a safari.
They monitor every movement: “Let’s
see how the Icelander parties!” Inevi-
tably, faced with such spectators, the
specimen of interest will generally turn
around and head elsewhere.
“Two men introduced themselves to me.
After telling them my name they asked
me if I was interested in joining them for
a threesome. When I turned them down
politely, they were insulted and said: ‘But
wait—aren‘t you supposed to be, like, a
slut?’”
-Unnur Eggertsdóttir
The above quote is my absolute favou-
rite of the ones I collected for the sake of
this article, because it captures the mood
so perfectly. Nobody wastes their time
being polite or charming. I still haven’t
found an article that suggests: INTRO-
DUCE YOURSELF, BEFORE ASKING:
“WANNA FUUUUUUCK?”
The bar that puts up a sign that says
“No Dirty Weekend Tourists Please” gets
all my business this summer.
Alternatively, I’ll just rest my liver un-
til fall.
"An Icelandic language version of this arti-
cle originally appeared in Kjarninn (www.
kjarninn.is)". (like in the header or at the
bottom
Margrét Erla Maack is a Bollywood &
belly dancer,burlesque/cabaret perform
er,comedian,choreographer,DJ. Jack of
many trades,master of none. hates: mayo
& U2. loves: karaoke and food.
“WANNA
FUUUUUUCK?”
Sure, everybody loves sex,
but nobody loves an asshole
Words by Margrét Erla Maack
@mokkilitli