Reykjavík Grapevine - 08.01.2016, Síða 10

10
The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 1 — 2016
#SNOWMAGEDDONSTORMPOCALYPSEGATE
Storm of the century! Icelanders dreaming of a white Christmas got their wishes granted when Mother Nature decided to
take a massive snowy dump over literally everything at hurricane-force speeds. While citizens and tourists were advised
NOT TO LEAVE THE HOUSE OR EVEN MOVE, one beacon of hope remained: That famous Bæjarins Beztu hot dog stand,
which carried on serving right through the #stormpocalypse. They weren’t the heroes we needed right then, and probably
not the ones we deserved either. But they had hot dogs.
#NAKEDARTSTUDENTINABOXGATE
In the name of art, December saw a naked first-year art student spend one week living in a glass box, which was on display
to the public both on location and via live internet stream. Wait, did we mention he was naked the whole time? Yes, a naked
guy. We know you have a lot of questions, but don’t worry—the whole thing was filmed and streamed online. Apparently he
pooped in there. Jacked off, too. Oh, art.
#HEARTLESS_UTLGATE
In the wake of the refugee crisis, Iceland’s mask slipped off, revealing the bubbling fascist Sith skin underneath. Iceland’s
directorate of immigration, the Nazi-founded UTL (seriously, look it up), made the decision to forcibly deport two Albanian
families (both of which had toddlers with life-threatening ailments) in the middle of the night on International Human Rights
Day. After much public outcry, UTL backtracked, eventually granting the families citizenship. Yay!
#REDNECKGATE
After discussing her battle to save the highlands from “redneck politicians” in the international media, Björk was caught in
a comment-section shitstorm, with some protesting that the term “redneck” is a slur against rural people. Björk countered
by clarifying her perception of the term as “those who seek to control nature, often at the expense of others.” Erm, git ‘er
done?

#BRITISHFAKEADVENTURERJERKGATE
Three British adventurers seeking to be the youngest and fastest mountainjerks to traverse Iceland in the wintertime were
bailed out a grand total of three times by the Icelandic Search and Rescue team over the course of a couple of weeks.
Jerks. As expected, Internet commenter rage followed, with some recommending that ICE-SAR charge a fee for such
rescues. Others simply offered to show those boys what a bitter storm in Iceland really looks like.
––––– December –––––
This month kicked off interestingly enough, as hacktivist group Anonymous launched a concerted distributed
denial-of-service (DDoS) attack against numerous Icelandic websites. But they weren’t doing it for the lulz—
their objection was to the hunting of fin whales. They managed to shut down many government websites for a num-
ber of hours, and have vowed to continue their campaign in other ways. For those of us living in Iceland, what really
captured our imagination was the fact that we were getting snow. Lots of it, like record-breaking levels. You may find
it hard to believe a place called Iceland doesn’t see a lot of snow in the winter, but in the capital area anyway, winters
are more known for high winds and freezing rain. Everyone who doesn’t drive was very happy.
#ERUPTINGXENOPHOBIATHRONEGATE
When news broke that a Nigerian man had been detained on suspicion of deliberately passing
on HIV to at least two women, panic, criticism, and a bunch of comment board-slash-talk radio
xenophobia ensued. As the story unfolded in the media, the proof of whether or not he’d spread
the infection knowingly came into question. The man—an asylum seeker—was held in custody
for a month and given a four-month travel ban, a decision later ratified by the Supreme Court of
Iceland. Later reports confirmed that the man was unaware of his HIV-positive status.
#LAMESNOOPGATE
Snoop Dogg aka Snoop Lion aka DJ Snoopadelic hoped to impress Iceland with his doggy styl-
ings when he arrived to DJ at Reykjavík sports arena Laugardalshöllin this summer. But even
setting the bar low proved to be too high for the King of Kush, whose performance was sorely
disappointing. Dear Snoop: Put down your joint. Turn the music off. In fact: just retire (oh, alright,
you can keep the joint).
–––––––––––– July ––––––––––––
In July, Iceland brought an end to a very old and largely unenforced blasphemy law,
which—while making international headlines—made little difference whatsoever
to the local culture at large. Leaked emails of the now-hacked Italian hacking team
known imaginatively as Hacking Team showed an Icelandic cop trying to acquire
some spyware, and he was none too pleased with being called up about it. But most of
all, July will be known for tourists shitting all over the place. They shat in the street,
they shat behind buildings, they shat in the moss and then set it on fire. It was pretty
shitty. In fairness, there is a dearth of outdoor toilets in the countryside, which is some-
thing numerous tour guides have complained about, to the deaf ears of municipalities.
#DUNKINDONUTSWILLDESTROYICELANDICCUL-
TUREGATE
“OH MY GOD,” screamed Icelanders, country-wide, when American cor-
poration Dunkin Donuts opened its first Icelandic store at a Laugavegur
location. The global Icelandophile community soon joined in on the out-
raged yelping—for some reason, those guys just can’t fathom why Ice-
landers might want to enjoy a fuckin’ corporate donut every now and again
(indeed, guys, if you hate it so much, go and protest the one on your block
the next time you grab breakfast there). The opening ceremony was thrill-
ing, though, complete with a DJ, a bouncer, a dancing donut-man and a line
down the block, creating a frenzy around the city. It has been enthusiasti-
cally serving donuts to patrons ever since. Note: the donuts are way more
expensive here than in the US. And they’re not any better, either.
–––––– August ––––––
This month witnessed a stunning flight from custody that gripped
national headlines, as a baby seal escaped from the zoo. Perhaps
wanting to set an example for other would-be escapees, the seal was
summarily put down, and fed to other zoo animals. Further afield,
Iceland joined sanctions against Russia, already underway in the
EU and in direct response to Russian incursions into Ukraine. Rus-
sia, predictably, in turn began boycotting Icelandic products. You
may scoff, but that means fish, and lots of it. Mostly mackerel, too.
While our local fishing kings were displeased, Iceland has stood
fast by their sanctions against Russia, which continue to this day.
#BLOODMOONTHRONE
Earlier this year, astronomers and bloodlusters alike rejoiced
at the coming of a BLOODMOON-SUPERMOON 97% lunar
eclipse. Critics such as famous astrophysicist Neil deGrasse
Tyson contested the superness of said supermoon—but
what does he know, right? Smarmy git.
–––––– September ––––––
In a perhaps well-intentioned move, Reykjavík City
Council elected to stop making city purchases of goods
made in Israeli-occupied territories. The move was
widely misreported as being made by all of Iceland, and
being against all Israeli products. More importantly, the
Icelandic government announced it would accept 50 Syr-
ian refugees this year. This announcement set off a grass-
roots movement that would make international headlines,
as author Bryndís Björgvínsdóttir started a social media
campaign, #KæraEygló, imploring the government to
accept a lot more, which quickly snowballed, gaining the
support of several thousand Icelanders. Like always, mis-
reporting in the international media was prevalent, as it
was falsely reported that 10,000 Icelanders had opened
their homes to refugees. While the outpouring of support
was indeed tremendous, the government has still yet to an-
nounce any official change to their initial numbers.
#SCALEGATE
October saw a revelation of epic proportions, the kind that
causes people to absolutely lose their shit and burn the whole
sick, broken system down. Ordinary citizen Flori Fundateanu
bought an extremely heavy paprika from Bónus. However, fur-
ther examination revealed that the scales had been rigged to
fuck you, the consumer, personally, through overcharging and
general trickery. Bónus denied any wrongdoing, proceeding to
“recalibrate” the scales and charge the regular price for a pep-
per, which was pretty damn high to begin with.
#ISITASTEALTHADCAMPAIGNORWHAT?GA
TE
In October, 66° North put some pricey parkas in glass ad dis-
plays on bus stops. Predictably, parka-less thieves quickly
broke the glass and stole them. “The thieves are presumed
less cold than they were,” and lo, 66° North got into every
newspaper for free. Nobody asked why they didn’t use plexi-
glass. The chilly robbers would have needed jet fuel to melt
that. Or, you know, why they didn’t just print one of their pat-
ented frowny-parka-wearing-beardman posters. If the parka’s
flat against some glass, it’s hard to tell the difference anyway,
right?
–––––– October ––––––
As hard as it may be to believe, Iceland does engage in
industrial factory farming. Factory farms were promi-
nent in the news this month—pig farms in particular.
The Icelandic Food and Veterinary Authority found that
all of Iceland’s pig farms kept animals that suffered pres-
sure sores resulting from a lack of movement, and at least
one (so far unnamed) farm keeps pigs in stalls too small
to even allow them to stand up. This has put Iceland’s pig
farmers on the defensive, with every farm but one refus-
ing to allow reporters to visit and film their grounds. It was
also reported that thousands of foreigners are needed to fill
tourism jobs, a story that still gets me plenty of emails and
tweets from prospective job seekers. Stop. Please stop.
#PROTECTTHEPARK
During the Iceland Airwaves festival, writer An-
dri Snær Magnason and a masked Björk held
a press conference slamming the government
for failing to protect Iceland’s highlands from
planned industrial development. The two con-
tinue to front the campaign to establish a na-
tional park in the area. Find out more at www.
heartoficeland.org.
–––– November ––––
The Directorate of Immigration made
news this month for the type of behaviour
that has made the institution famous, er,
infamous. And by that we mean regard-
ing all foreigners as guilty until proven
innocent. Yes, November saw a Vietnam-
ese couple accused of having a sham mar-
riage (an accusation that was revealed to
be way off the mark), and the deportations
of two asylum-seeking families: one from
Albania, and the other from Syria. In fact,
two Albanian families would end up being
deported, to widespread public outcry, but
would ultimately be granted citizenship.
Someone else who sparked widespread
public outcry: Justin Bieber. In a recent
video, he was seen cavorting and galli-
vanting around the country. Most notably,
it seems he also tromped through some
naturally protected areas—some of which
are covered with fragile moss that takes
decades to grow—before taking a swim in
the waters of Jökulsárlón. Tourism industry
workers in Iceland were none too pleased
with the example the young pop star set, and
said so. Bieber has yet to issue an apology.
NEWS vs. HASHTAGS An Infographic View Of The Orðræðublabla Landscape By Paul Fontaine × John Rogers