Reykjavík Grapevine - 08.04.2016, Blaðsíða 8

There are a lot of differences be-
tween what qualifies as a politi-
cal scandal across the world, and
Iceland has its own tortuously
putrid version. I was raised in the
US on politics littered with good
ole’ infidelity and prostitution
rings. I was a teenager when the
whole Clinton sex thing entered
the spotlight of the three-ring cir-
cus that is US politics. I learned
a lot through watching the story
unfold, like new creative uses for
cigars (smoking them is more
comfortable) and how to handle
sexually devious politicians.
Recent domestic hoopla in the
land of fire and ice involving the
Prime Minister’s wife doesn’t in-
volve cigars (or mistresses) at all,
but money in the British Virgin
Islands, a popular tax haven. This
indignity has recently blossomed
into full-fledged scandal with the
emergence of news that two other
ministers also have similar trea-
sure chests tucked safely away in
a far off place. This gives valuable
insight into what really pisses the
Icelandic nation off: hypocrisy, se-
crecy, and cheating the system.
Sex & politics in Iceland
The sex lives of Icelandic politi-
cians are viewed, very rightly in
my opinion, as nobody else’s fuck-
ing business. When the Minister
of Finance’s name popped up on
the list of clients for the website
Ashley Madison, which caters to
married people looking to start
affairs, people here blinked a
couple of times, rolled their eyes,
and snickered at his user name:
IceHot1. Then the story was over.
Nobody called for him to resign.
Nobody said he was morally cor-
rupt and should be excluded from
elected office. When Johanna Sig-
urdardottir announced she was
a lesbian, nobody questioned her
“family values.” People wanted to
know what her policy plans were.
Ok, you like to sleep with women.
Who cares? What are you going to
do for us? Then she became Prime
Minister.
Contrast this to the US, where
David Petraeus resigned from his
post as Director of the CIA after it
came to light that he had an affair.
In a time when security seems
pretty damned important, I re-
member wondering if this was a
wise move. While having an affair
undoubtedly makes you a shitty
husband, does that mean you are a
shitty intellegence official? Some
of my friends in the US thought so.
One distant family member com-
mented that if he wasn’t able to
keep his marriage vows, how could
he be expected to keep his vows to
serve his country? And there was
Governor Eliot Spitzer, who re-
signed over threats of impeach-
ment because he was involved in a
prostitution ring. Anthony Weiner
(hehe) texted a picture of his junk
to some chick he was flirting with
online and he was run of office on
a rail, but not until after dragging
his poor embarrassed wife around
at press conferences, talking
about how they were going to ther-
apy to talk about his “problem.”
Gary Hart, Bill Clinton, John Ed-
wards, Larry Craig, David Vitter,
Newt Gingrich, Mark Foley, Strom
Thurmond… There are countless
others. American politics is like a
bad porno with powerful sweaty
white men in suits doing shit be-
hind closed doors we would all
rather not think about.

An Icelandic scandal
Wanna know how to make a scan-
dal in Iceland? Be a hypocrite.
Keep the truth hidden. Tell the
people of the nation that it is re-
ally important to keep your money
here, and then, with gut-wrench-
ing nationalistic fervor, diss the
EU and preach the value of keep-
ing the beautiful, sacred Icelandic
króna intact. Then build up an
economic policy centered around
tax cuts for wealthy people like you
and your friends. Insist on capital
controls, and shun the “vultures”
that demand repayment from
the banks. Keep your money in
offshore tax havens. Insist that
you have done nothing wrong.
Refuse to talk to the state run
media, because the liberal media
always make you look bad. Insist
on speaking only with the right-
wing Utvarp Saga and repeat the
mantra that you are now stronger
than you have ever been, in spite of
the opposition threatening a vote
of no confidence in your party’s
leadership. Elected officials are
held to a higher moral standard
than us regular people. When you
represent us, you are supposed to
have our best interests in mind,
not your own. While it remains
to be seen if laws were broken, the
Icelandic people feel cheated, and
they are outraged.
Maybe it has something to do
with our roots. Americans are Pu-
ritans and Icelanders are Vikings.
Puritans repress sex at all costs
and tuck it into a little corner in
the back of the bedroom, to be
pulled out only when we need to
make more babies to help us with
the crops. Vikings go to war when
their pride is bruised. Drink un-
til you can’t speak or stand. Fuck
around a bit. Abuse some other
substances, whatever. We all make
mistakes in life. But. If you steal
from us, lie to us, or cheat us out
of our hard earned money, and it’s
pitchfork time, honey… you are
ripe for the pillaging.
SHARE: gpv.is/scandal
"Nobody called for him to resign. No-
body said he was morally corrupt and
should be excluded from elected office."
Scandalous,
Iceland Style
Why scandals in Iceland
have a distinctly local flair
Words MARY FRANCES DAVIDSON Illustration LÓA HLÍN
The Villain of the Issue this is-
sue is bottled water. How many
times do we need to tell you? You
DO NOT need to buy bottled water
in Iceland. Don't tell me you “just
want the bottle.” Go buy a Coke or
something if you just need the bot-
tle. Do not give away money to this
crooked, fraudulent industry. Ice-
landic tap water gets top marks for
quality and cleanliness in interna-
tional environmental assessment
reports, year after year. There is
absolutely no reason to spend 1,200
ISK on a bottle of anything you can
get for free. Not least of all when
those empty plastic bottles more
often than not end up in the trash
or on the street. Buying bottled wa-
ter in Iceland is like buying sunlight
in Fiji. And yet it persists, a villain
lurking in the shadows, serving no
purpose but ripping off tourists and
making someone rich as they laugh
at you chumps. Don't be a chump.
Don't buy bottled water.
The Hero of the Issue this issue is
Civil Protection in Iceland (Al-
mannavarnir). These are the un-
sung heroes who are the first to re-
spond, not just to natural disasters
such as earthquakes and volcanoes,
but in any kind of event that shakes
the stability and security of the
country. Hurricane-force winds?
No problem. Road completely
closed because of a landslide? Piece
of cake. Heaps of snow trapping
people in their own tiny villages?
One cup of coffee later, they're there
with the plows. The winter is a very
busy time for these brave souls, not
least of all as tourism increases,
and with it the number of foreign
visitors facing danger in inclement
weather. Civil Protection in Iceland
is one of our most cherished in-
stitutions, but they so seldom get
any word of thanks for it. So we're
thanking them here. Thank you,
Civil Protection in Iceland, for be-
ing the hero Iceland deserves.
HERO OF
THE ISSUE
VILLAIN OF
THE ISSUECivil
Protection
Bottled
Water
FreeImages.com/Michael LorenzoArt Bicnick
The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 4 — 2016
8