Reykjavík Grapevine - 08.09.2017, Síða 56

The message was clear as the protesters talked to the local security. The man to the
right is Gylfi Ægisson, a well-known Icelandic musician and vocal homophobe.
SAGA SPOTS
56 The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 16 — 2017
SAGA RECAP
The Saga of
Ketill Salmon
Trolls, shit talking and, of course, some murder
Words: Grayson Del Faro Illustration: Inga María Brynjarsdóttir
To celebrate the return of the
world’s favorite fantasy-violence-
porn series to its favorite fanta-
sy-violence-porn TV station, I’ve
decided to recap the closest thing
that the Icelandic sagas have to a
fantasy-violence-porn trilogy. It’s
got it all: blood-splatter, steamy
infidelity, fire-breathing drag-
ons, and hair growing on unlikely
body parts. If that doesn’t intrigue
you, then fuck off. Part One of the
Sagas of Hrafnista is the Saga of
Ketill Salmon and yes, it does in-
volve traveling a great distance
and returning home to breed.
Fishing for compliments
So there’s this island off the coast
of Norway called Hrafnista. A
guy named Hallbjörn Half-Troll
has a son named Ketill. Hallbjörn
and Ketill don’t get along. When
Ketill’s a kid, he runs away and re-
turns three days later with a very
nice chair. He gives this to his
mother just to tell her how much
he loves her, and not his father.
His father tells him not to go to
the north but he does anyway.
There he sees a dragon that gets
all up in his face, breathing fire
and shit, so Ketill chops it right in
half with his axe. When he returns
home and his father asks if he en-
countered any hostility, Ketill tells
him that he chopped a salmon in
half, earning him his nickname.
There is a famine, so Ketill’s
dad sends him off to some fjords
to fish. In one fjord Ketill finds
a hut and outside of it, some pits
filled with meat, including salted
human carcasses. Let’s call them
Donner Party Kebabs! That sounds
cute, doesn’t it? Anyway, Ketill is
grossed out, so he trashes the food
and cuts off the head of the offend-
ing giant when he returns to his
hut. In the other fjord, Ketill ends
up killing another giant who keeps
stealing Ketill’s fish. When he re-
turns, his father asks if he stayed
in peace during his journeys and
Ketill replies simply, “Yes.”
Out with the old,
Finn with the new
Ketill sets out on another fish-
ing expedition and a huge storm
blows him north into Finnmark,
the land of the “Finns,” which is
what Icelanders called the Saami
people. Here he meets a man nice
giant named Brúni, who lets Ketill
sleep with his daughter Hrafnhil-
dur. Brúni throws a skin over them
so they may bone in peace because
he has some Finns coming over
to pick up butter. For some rea-
son, throughout the sagas, both
“Finns” and trolls are frequently
paid in butter. Finally, an econom-
ic system we can agree on!
Ketill stays the winter there,
learning the art of archery from
Brúni and the art of gland-to-
gland combat from Hrafnhildur.
When he’s ready to leave, Brúni
warns Ketill not to take a certain
path for fear of encountering the
Gusir, King of the Finns who lurks
in the woods, so Ketill promptly
takes it and runs into him. They
exchange a series of shitty poems,
like:
Ur an asshole
A smelly one
I’mma kill u
Jerk, asshole
And:
No, I’mma win
Ur a bitch or whatever
Die, bitch
Or whatever
Then they shoot arrows at each
other and Gusir dies, which means
that Brúni is now King of the But-
terocracy of Finnmark.
Hrafnhildurs and
Hrafnhildon’ts
Ketill returns home to his father.
One day Hrafnhildur shows up
with their baby, Grímur, who was
born with half of his face hairy.
Despite being half-troll himself,
Hallbjörn is prejudiced against gi-
antesses and forces her away. She
promises to return in three years.
Although Ketill is still in love with
Hrafnhildur, Hallbjörn forces him
to marry another woman with
whom he promptly has a daugh-
ter and names her—you guessed
it—Hrafnhildur. When Giantess-
Hrafnhildur returns, Ketill in-
vites her to live with them but she
returns home with a broken heart.
When Human-Hrafnhildur
grows up, some dude called Fra-
marr asks to marry her. She’s
like, “Nah,” and he’s like so many
shitty dudes are when women
“nah” them: he gets all aggro and
challenges her father to a duel.
The night before the duel, Ketill is
freezing outside and a man named
Böðmóður invites him inside, of-
fering to hold a shield for Ketill
during the battle. With his help,
Ketill faces off against Framarr,
who is magically impervious to
metal. They yell lame poems at
each other until Ketill thinks to
use the other side of his sword,
which inexplicably manages to
cut Framarr open. He dies with a
final, Rihanna-inspired poem:
I have been killed by Salmon
Ella, ella, ella
Eh, eh, eh
Killed by salmonella
Böðmóður marries Human-Hraf-
nhildur and they live happily ever
after… until the drama continues
in the next issue with the Saga of
Grímur Hairy-Cheek.
Morals of the story:
1. If you love your parents, show
them with well-made furniture.
2. If you don’t love your parents,
date someone they would hate.
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