Reykjavík Grapevine - 27.09.2019, Blaðsíða 46

46 The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 17— 2019
HORROR!SCOPES
The Drawin!
Of The Taurus
The Pisces fled across the desert
and the Scorpio followed
Words: H"nn"h J"ne Cohen & Le" Müller Image: Kosmon"tk"
In HorrorScopes, Grapevine’s dedi-
cated team of amateur astrologists
breaks down your upcoming weeks
based on shit like what Mercury’s
up to.
Aries
Liking Lana Del Rey’s
new album is not a per-
sonality trait, but it might mean
you have to tackle your Daddy is-
sues and depression.
Taurus You finish the Dark Tower series and the ridiculous
ending promptly sends you into a
nervous breakdown. Did he really
just erase the villain of the entire
story? Yes! He did. Did I actually
just spend a year of my life read-
ing this? Yes! You did. Don’t worry,
we’ve been there. Just remember:
Ka is a friend to good as well as
evil. Embrace the stupidity.
GeminiOn the street, you run into the infamous naked-man-
in-a-box Almar Atlason. He gives
you a piece of saltfiskur and asks
you to fuck off. This is as close as
you’ll ever come to fame, so trea-
sure it.
Cancer
Treat yourself! Brunch at
the Laundromat is on us.
Just kidding, you’re paying.
LeoTake your S.O. on a romantic getaway to
Húsavík. Whales are a surefire
aphrodisiac.
Virgo
You’re too happy. Read
‘Atonement’ to dull your-
self down.
LibraThe East of Iceland is an untamed getaway for
those looking for mysterious ven-
tures. Rent a van and “find your
self.” What does that mean? We
don’t exactly know, but our crystal
balls say it involves lots of star-
gazing, flat tires, and making out
with other hippies. Avoid Scorpios. ScorpioAll of your friends have a group chat without you.

SagittariusHorses run for fame but donkeys are the once to
achieve it. Consider this in all
business decisions.
CapricornYou’ll be setting a new trend by wearing a pink
vagina hat. Congratulations, not
even Björk was able to do that.
AquariusIt’s never too late to take out your Kony 2012 ac-
tion pack and SAVE THE WORLD.

Pisces If you’re a boss, give all your employees a raise!
They deserve it. It’s not like the
publisher of the Grapevine is a Pi-
sces, though. That would be totally
unethical for us to write.
CITY SHOT by Art Bicnick
WELL, YOU ASKED
Hidden Folk,
Hit Me Up
Words: Sam O’Donnell
Photo: Art Bicnick
Do the Huldufólk watch TV? Do they
use smartphones? Drive SUVs? Shop
at Ikea and Costco? How about Elves
and Trolls? -asking for a friend

Dear friend,
I know you’re asking for yourself, and that’s
okay. Own your question. It’s good. The
elves and huldufólk are one in the same.
They use our TVs when we’re not home.
They have their own streaming service,
called Huldú. It’s totally free, but only they
can see it. You might have accidentally
activated it. Any time your ChromeCast
fails, you’ve switched to Huldú.
Smartphones cost money, and
huldufólk only have as much as they find
around their elf-stones, portals to their
world that resemble ordinary stones. (If
you want to contribute to the huldufólk,
there is an elf-stone at Hafnarstræti !".
Every little bit helps.)
They can travel anywhere in our world
through these stones, but some of them
like driving. They think they’re fantastic
drivers, but they’re maniacs and road-
hogs. They do shop at Ikea. They don’t buy
anything; they like to browse. They never
shop at Costco. Elves are surprisingly anti-
American, and the idea of stepping into
Costco sends them into an uncontrollable
rage. Seriously, don’t even suggest it to
them.
There are many different kinds of
trolls in Iceland, and they are all smarter
than humans, elves or huldufólk. I’ll try to
group them into two categories for you.
Basically, there are the nasty trolls who
don’t go shopping. They simply take the
humans who wander off the beaten path
and cook them for supper. Then there are
nice trolls who are wise and benevolent,
so of course they don’t shop at Costco.
They go to Bónus for the deals. They don’t
drive SUVs because they care about nature.
They might drive a smart-car, though.
Send your unsolvable (UNTIL NOW )
problems to grapevine@grapevine.is or
tweet us at @rvkgrapevine.
A cancer, likely in the grip of a Scorpio
Hello future friend!
ARTISAN BAKERY
& COFFEE HOUSE
OPEN EVERYDAY 6.30 - 21.00
LAUGAVEGUR 36 · 101 REYKJAVIK