Reykjavík Grapevine - 08.11.2019, Síða 38

38 The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 20— 2019
HORROR!SCOPES
PISCES IS KING
Kanye West… just stop
Words: The Reykj!vík Gr!pevine Spiritu!l Dep.
Illustration: Kosmon!tk!
In HorrorScopes, the Grapevine’s
dedicated team of amateur astrolo-
gists breaks down your upcoming
weeks based on shit like Venus.
Aries
How do crickets know if
they’ve told a good joke?
Just some food for thought for
your next bathroom session.
Taurus Things to journal about: “The quiet pain of being
unloved.” GeminiYou’ll find yourself con-templating why it’s called a
toothbrush, when ideally you have
several teeth in your mouth. Don’t
spend to much time on it, this is
going nowhere.
Cancer
If you don’t read at least
three of Andi Snær’s
books before the new year, omi-
nous things approach. If you do,
you’re guaranteed to impress
some hottie at Kaffibarinn in
loose black clothing. Win-win.
LeoA band at Airwaves im-presses you. You follow
them on Instagram. They don’t
follow you back, but what were you
expecting? You don’t even FaceTune
your selfies, you ugly punk.
Virgo
The month ahead will be
much like the last season of
‘Lost’: controversial, divisive, and
strangely religious. Friends might
doubt that you ever knew what you
were doing, and ask you questions
like: Why wasn’t Michael in the
church??? It’ll all end up OK, but
stay away from lottery tickets. LibraCountess Malaise’s new album will provide the
soundtrack for an important mo-
ment in your near future. A birth?
A death? A religious awakening?
Only time—and vinyl pants—can
tell.
ScorpioIt’s your birthday month! Celebrate with the tast-
ing menu at Dill—oh wait, you
spent all your money on that new
iPhone, which will definitely not
be outdated in a year. Why have
one camera when you could have
three?
Sagittarius‘Game of Thrones’ cre-ators David Benioff and
Dan Weiss were hired in February
2018 to create the next Star Wars
trilogy. They allegedly subsequently
sped up the end of their hit show so
they could start working on it. That
said, they recently “left” the project.
Is this the result of the last two sea-
sons of GoT being so shoddy that
Disney could no longer trust them
to do anything well? We believe so.
Karma’s a bitch, so put in effort, Sag.
CapricornNobel Peace Prize win-ner Barack Hussei n
Obama recently came out against
callout culture. Hmm, pretty fishy
from a man who released a fake
birth certificate.
AquariusIf you know what’s good for you, you’ll stay away
from !ingvellir. The old gods are
out for blood, and they will take it
from any wayward traveller born
under Aquarius. You have been
warned.
Pisces Oh Pisces, stop pre-tending you like the
new Kanye West album. No one
does.
CITY SHOT by Art Bicnick
WELL, YOU ASKED
God & Some
Whining
Words: Valur Gréttisson
Photo: Art Bicnick
I’m having a quarter-life crisis,
help me?
Hm, okay, Does that mean you’re
like "# years old? Jesus, relax. My first
advice would be don’t panic. Everyone
will be dead in five years because of
global warming, anyway, so don’t bother
running the rat race that you feel like
you’re losing already. Second advice?
Grow up. Have a kid. Taking care of
something other than your own fragile
ego really takes the spotlight off yourself.
After just a few minutes as a parent,
you’ll embrace the end of the world.
The National Church...why?
Well, because the world is ending, and
we like to give money to silly institutions
rather than directly to people that
actually need it. See, in Iceland, we enjoy
paying people money to keep us scared
of some fictional thing that is constantly
threatening to send us to eternal flames.
Who else would do it? And why is
anything? Why is this a question? Go to
hell, atheist.
How bad will the newest Star Wars
movie be?
I’m glad that you asked! Let’s put it
like this: Imagine yourself sullen and
deformed after $% years of nuclear
winter. You have eaten all your friends
(and their spouses), and you’re not sure
if the radioactivity is the source of the
constant screams in your head, or if it’s
just the syphilis slowing eating through
your kuru-infected brain, resulting in
your brutal tremors and objectively
hilarious loss of coordination. As you
lose all control of your bowels, lying in
your own filth and pus, you have one
last lucid thought: Well, at least this
isn’t as bad as ‘Star Wars: The Rise Of
Skywalker.’
Send your unsolvable (UNTIL NOW )
problems to grapevine@grapevine.is or
tweet us at @rvkgrapevine.
Love is in the air for Cancers, if they read Andri Snær
Queueing up for fun