Reykjavík Grapevine - jan 2021, Qupperneq 30

CITY SHOT by Art Bicnick
WELL, YOU ASKED
Will 2
Power

Words: Valur Grettisson
Got a burning question? In desperate need
of advice? We at the Grapevine are here
to help.
🍌
So, I'm really inspired by the coup
thing in the US, but I live in Iceland.
How exactly would one plan a coup
in Reykjavík, I mean, does anyone
even have to use a gun to take power?
Best, David.
I’m so glad that you asked, David. I've
been thinking about this myself. You
just need to get the president, Prime
Minister and the leaders of the coali-
tion and the chairman of the Supreme
Court to take an elevator at the same
time, then get it stuck. This has actu-
ally happened once before and no one
ruled the country for an hour. So the
moment they get stuck, we would send
a press release, informing the puny na-
tion of the Icelandic slaves that they
have a new king/God/Tzar. Then we
would barricade ourselves inside the
parliament and hope no one throws us
out or ask us politely to leave the pa-
rameters. (You are white, right?) Sim-
ple. I’ll find the elevator, you draft the
statement.
👺
I’m thinking of quitting social me-
dia. Convince me otherwise.
Well, first of all, think about Mark
Zuckerberg’s kids. How are they gonna
feel about you leaving their father with-
out even saying goodbye? Second of all,
think about all of the people that will
not get the chance to listen to your hot
takes on the current issue. How will
they get throughout the day without
being inspired by your deep, intellec-
tual thoughts on the world's problems?
And finally, what about us?! How are
we gonna reach you? Please email your
phone number at least!
For advice, send your quandaries to
grapevine@grapevine.is Der Himmel über Reykjavík
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30 The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 01— 2021
HORROR-SCOPES
Go Agrarian, Not
Vegetarian
Words: Jeffree Star & Kanye West
The Grapevine’s team of amateur
astrologists followed all pandemic
restrictions over their cosmic
New Years celebrations. They,
along with all 88 constellations,
remained light years away from
each other while they partied,
so you can trust that no fever is
addling their minds during these
predictions.
Aries
Sit down, Aries. We—along with
many dwarf stars—are worried
about how many Yummy Mum-
my blogs you have already con-
sumed in the first week of 2021.
It’s not healthy and so we’re go-
ing to tell you the hard truth: No
matter how many teaspoons of
turmeric you add to your child’s
formula, they are still going to
enjoy YouTube family vloggers.
It’s just genetic.
Taurus
Wow! An Apple Watch for Christ-
mas! Groundbreaking. Flex on all
your haters by pointing it out at
every given moment.
Gemini
Your landlord is ghosting you for
a reason, Gemini. Our spiritual
consultants say it’s because you
resemble his childhood bully.
Sorry.

Cancer
You’re right! Learning Latin is
a great New Year’s Resolution,
Cancer. Especially if that one
film you watched while drunk is
correct and you will one day ac-
cidentally stumble upon a time
machine and wake up in Rome
circa 250 CE. Just kidding—the
Latin you’re learning is a mix-
ture of ten centuries worth of
language with a modern, eccle-
siastical-tradition pronunciation
and without a doubt, no one in
the empire would understand
you. You useless bitch.
Leo
What’s the point of life? We know
you spend a lot of time mulling
over such deep questions, but
if we are all going to die in the
end, what’s the point? Live in
the moment, girl. Stop spending
your weeknights dissecting the
nature of godliness and spend
it Zooming with hotties like the
goddess you are. And no, don’t
you dare start unpacking the
term “goddess.”
Virgo
Remember that anime phase
you had, Virgo? Well, it shouldn’t
have been a phase. You messed
your fate up the moment you
sold your manga, but the gra-
cious planetary bodies are now
giving you a moment to rectify it.
Here’s your second chance: Don’t
blow it.

Libra
Keep on rocking this week, Libra.
And what’s the best way to keep
on rocking? Pepper your next
texts with rocking emoticons
like \m/ or, for more advanced
rockers, \m/(><)\m/ and bd(OoO)
bd. All that’s left is to pump some
iron to Five Finger Death Punch.

Scorpio
We’re proud that you’ve kept the
personal manipulation to a min-
imum so far in 2021, Scorpio. It
shows real personal growth and,
frankly, the tea leaves did not ex-
pect such maturity from some-
one with such a storied past. That
said, the ex you robbed will be
frequenting your local grocery
store over the next few days, so
take care to avoid it lest you be-
lieve it’s time to make “amends.”
But really—what amount of
amends will replace their grand-
ma’s ashes that you nicked to use
in your latest performance art
project? No amount of amends,
Scorpio. None.

Sagittarius
FAME. FORTUNE. LOVE. These
are just a few of the blessings you
can expect in 2021 if you keep a
positive, open mind. ‘The Secret’
who?!

Capricorn
When you heard the voices of the
cosmos tell you to “go vegetari-
an” for 2021, you misunderstood.
They actually meant “go agrar-
ian”. Yes, it’s a common miscon-
ception and one that’s definitely
contributing to the declining
rate of communes worldwide.
But don’t worry—we got you, you
future farming legend.

Aquarius
Ho it up this year Aquarius. We
stan an empowered woman.

Pisces
Don’t ho it up this year Pisces.
In fact, actively not-ho it up and
loudly judge anyone who does.
For more inspiration, check out
the temperance movement.