Reykjavík Grapevine - apr. 2021, Blaðsíða 31

HORROR!SCOPES
WHAT VOLCANO R U?
Words: H"nn"h J"ne Cohen
The Grapevine’s team of amateur
astrologists recently read online
that people who like astrology also
really like personality quizzes.
In an attempt to appease this
group—and the advertisers that
specifically target them—we
went to the cosmos and bothered
the constellations long enough to
adequately determine… just what
volcano they were.
Aries
Curiously, Mount Etna has been
unexpectedly active these last
weeks. Since February 26th, the
volcano has been spewing lava
and showering ash every 48 hours
on the dot. Apparently, this level
of mathematical precision is
rather unusual. In fact, the regu-
larity is actually making scien-
tists wary. Does this hit a little
too close to home? Ever notice
how scared people seem to get
when you start getting your shit
together? Why? Because that usu-
ally means that soon said shit is
going to rain down all over their
little lives. Maybe don’t next time.
Maybe best you leave it be.
Taurus
The extinct Tamu Massif lies, at
its shallowest, 1,980 metres below
the surface of the Pacific Ocean.
It was, for a short time, declared
the largest single volcano in the
world, until—in a Pluto-esque
situation—it wasn’t. Taurus, like
Tamu Massif, so-called experts
have been stealing your spot-
light recently. Don’t let them. Just
fucking get taller and explode.
Show Hawaii’s Mauna Loa (tHe
TaLlEsT vOlCaNo In ThE wOrLd)
who is boss.
Gemini
No one exactly knows how Cali-
fornia’s Clear Lake Volcanic Field
even exists. It’s not on a subduc-
tion zone, rift zone, or hotspot,
so scientists have determined it
must be related to the San An-
dreas fault in some way. So basi-
cally, it’s a fucking strange enig-
matic mystery… much like you.

Cancer
The chill and party-ready Cancers
of the world are emblematic of
Indonesia’s famed tourist des-
tination Mount Bromo. As they
famously state: Mo Bros, Mo Fun.
Leo
Krakatoa. You erupted once. It
was very dramatic. And you never
let anyone forget about that, do
you?
Virgo
In 1985, Mount St. Helens unex-
pectedly blew, killing 57 people,
including Harry Randall Truman,
a lodge owner who considered
himself part of the mountain,
and Reid Blackburn, a photojour-
nalist who heroically went to the
unstable volcano to document it.
There’s only one sign that would
so viciously slaughter people that
just wanted to, you know, hang
out and get to know them and
that’s you, Virgo. This month,
take a leaf from Fagradalsfjall
and stop (fatally) pushing away
those that want to be close to you.

Libra
Easy! Kilimanjaro. Why? Because
even though it grabs headlines as
the largest mountain in Africa,
the trek up is notoriously easy.
Just like you.

Scorpio
Don’t hurt us, Scorpio—even
though we know you, with your
Avoidant Attachment Style, in-
evitably will—but you’re without
a doubt the fucking Yellowstone
Caldera Supervolcano. No one can
ever anticipate just when you will
fly off the handle, but it’s widely
known (and studied) that when
you do, you will basically just de-
stroy the entire world for at least
a century.
Sagittarius
If there’s something Sagittarius
likes, it’s media attention. There-
fore, there’s none better volcano
to represent you than Iceland’s
very own Eyjafjallajökull. Its
2010 eruption caused lots of
havoc worldwide—from thou-
sands of grounded aeroplanes to
stumbling newscasters trying
to report on it—but in the end,
it didn’t actually hurt anybody
or cause any real damage. Basi-
cally, the ideal sort of attention-
seeking behaviour. Brava!

Capricorn
Did you know Tenerife is a vol-
cano? Yes, the well-known party
vacation island could easily be
the site of a massacre one day.
This about that next time you’re
pounding back shots. We don’t
want to say you have a problem,
but...

Aquarius
Deep in the desert of Chad lies
Emi Koussi, the volcano deter-
mined to be most similar to
Mars. Aquarius, your creativity is
similarly otherworldly. And you
are most certainly a Chad too. Go
get’em tiger.

Pisces
Not a volcano. More a sinkhole of
despair.
CITY SHOT by Art Bicnick
WELL, YOU ASKED
NFTs &
Vegan Spit

Words: Andie Sophia Fontaine
Photo: Eugeny Hramenkov
You keep asking, we keep answering.
Should I make my art an NFT?
Yes totally. Sure, non-fungible tokens
are bad for the environment, specu-
lative in value at best, underline the
entire problem of the modern art
movement catering to the rich, and
can easily be circumvented by taking
a screenshot of the art in question, but
you shouldn’t let that stop you. Clout
doesn’t come for free!
My roommate made fun of me for
waving at the volcano livestream
camera. AITA?
No, you are absolutely not TA. People
all over the world are watching the vol-
cano livestream. This is your best shot
at getting your face out there for all to
see. It could land you a call from a Hol-
lywood producer or modelling agency.
Don’t listen to naysayers’ claims that
you’re blocking the view of the volcano.
You’ve seen one volcano, you’ve seen
them all. It’s not like the volcano is go-
ing to do something surprising and
unexpected, like erupting lollipops or
whatever.
Is it vegan to let my girlfriend spit in
my mouth?
This is a complex question with many
implications. If your girlfriend has
enthusiastically consented to spit in
your mouth and will suffer no ill con-
sequences for declining to spit in your
mouth, then it is probably vegan. How-
ever, human saliva does contain nu-
merous microorganisms incapable of
consenting to being transferred to an-
other mouth for consumption, so may-
be it isn’t vegan. Listen to your heart.
Winter is back
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31The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 04— 2021