Reykjavík Grapevine - maj 2021, Side 31

HORROR!SCOPES
WHAT VACCINE R U?
Words: H!nn!h J!ne Cohen
As ethereal floating beings that
live in the depths of the cosmos,
the Grapevine’s team of amateur
astrologists are naturally immune
to all diseases except for hysteria
and general malaise. That said,
they are still doing their best to
spread their ample vaccines to all
of humanity (except for telemar-
keters, obviously). Here’s the
vaccine for you, according to the
brightest psychics in the office.
Aries
Good ole’ Moderna for the good
ole’ Aries! As naturally respon-
sible gals, you, as opposed to dan-
gerous wildcards like Scorpios,
can be trusted to wait the appro-
priate four weeks between shots
and post-shot two weeks before
you begin to venture out of your
2020 lifestyle. Others are not so
dependable.
Taurus
Remember the CanSino vac-
cine? Probably not. It was the
one China approved way back
in June 2020 and the rest of the
world sort of silently ignored be-
cause they were too busy talking
about Carole Baskin or making
sourdough or something. As non-
medical professionals, we don’t
exactly know why no one took the
CanSino vaccine seriously, but
that said, it’s a situation we know
you’re rather familiar with, Tau-
rus. What’s it like to always be ig-
nored due to your bad marketing?
Gemini
You are Johnson & Johnson. One
dose of you is more than enough.

Cancer
Always one for setting a trend,
you were an early COVID-denier,
Cancer. At the beginning, it was a
fun, edgy way for you to stay rel-
evant in your various social me-
dia feeds, but now, you’re trapped
in the conspiracy communities,
shunned by your family, ditched
by your partner and not allowed
into any of your fav stores due
to your Karen-like aversion to
masks. Though you desperately
want a vaccine, you’ll probably
just hold out until everyone else
has one lest you have to—gasp!—
admit you made a mistake.
Leo
A walking controversy, a Leo is
best exemplified by the contro-
versial Oxford-AstraZeneca
vaccine. Why? Because after al-
legedly causing a few blood clots
(waaay less than birth control
does, not that anyone cared), the
world made a rather large media
fuss about you for a week or so.
And if there’s anything Leos are
known for, it’s making a moun-
tain out of a molehill and then
gaslighting everyone into think-
ing they are the crazy ones for
getting worked up about it.
Virgo
Let’s be real. You already had
COVID, and you definitely added
it to your woe-is-me-the-world-
is-against-me list of problems.

Libra
Always in-the-know, you’re the
Novavax a.k.a. the next big vac-
cine on the market, bby. Trudeau
and the U.K. already ordered tens
of millions of you and we can
probably expect to start seeing
your name everywhere soon. But
if that’s out, feel free to grab the
CureVac, the next-next big vac-
cine on the market. Of course, you
already knew that.

Scorpio
Putin tested the Sputnik vac-
cine on his daughter before it
was widely distributed. Seems
like something a Scorpio would
do, right? Maybe. In case Putin
reads this, we’re not saying any-
thing more than we are huge fans
of your daughter’s rock’n’roll
aerobic dancing and, to be hon-
est, we think you’re kind of a
hot dude and we’ve had a few
naughty dreams about you do-
ing some bad boy political stuff
to us. Seriously, why do you have
such sexual magnetism? Maybe
it’s just a side effect.
Sagittarius
You were first big one, bursting
onto the scene like some twinks
at a gay bar when “Toxic” begins
playing. Yup, the famed Pfizer
vaccine is the epitome of a Sag
lifestyle. You showed up, you
dominated and you’ve cemented
your name as one of the GOATs.
Polio could NEVER!

Capricorn
Weirdly enough, your computer
keeps crashing every time you try
to book a vaccine appointment.
Is this fate or merely the result
of your frugalness, which caused
you to not only buy a shitty com-
puter but the cheapest wifi pack-
age too? Who knows? In conclu-
sion, no vaccine for you.

Aquarius
The underdog of the stars, you,
dear Aquarius, are the Carnivac-
Cov, Russia’s new animal-only
vaccine. Basically, you’re gonna
save the Danish mink industry
and become a national hero.

Pisces
GET THEM ALL. We’d expect
nothing less from the most pro-
lific overachiever we know.
CITY SHOT by Art Bicnick
WELL, YOU ASKED
OnlyFans & Coke

Words: Valur Grettisson
I’m a !"-year-old man who just
retired from my lifelong job as a
plumber. I’m having a little trouble
with money, so I’m thinking about
opening an OnlyFans account. Do
you have any tips?
Uh... yes! Yes I do! Finally, an advice
question that’s actually interesting.
Now. The first thing you need to
do is pick a price. We don’t want to go
overboard here, but we’d say a reason-
able monthly fee is between !"."" and
!#$."" depending on your content and
posting schedule. Of course, you could
opt for the “free subscription” model
where you then charge individually for
photo sets or videos, but c’mon. It’s im-
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purchasing a quality product, but at the
same time, purchasing at a low enough
price that they will send you lots of tips
and requests (accompanied by tips) for
other content. Of course, you could you,
being %", could just go all in and charge
!%".%". (Nice.)
Next, you have to promote your stuff
online and the best way to do that is
via Instagram, TikTok, Twitter and Fa-
cebook. As a %" year old retiree, you
might not know what all those are, but
check out google.com for more infor-
mation. Anyway, consistency and com-
munication is key on social media. But
most importantly, it’s good to create a
movement. An erotic simp revolution
where no one needs to be ashamed of
themselves.
Then it’s about consistency and
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ing, and remember that this is a mara-
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be positive and open about this new
career. You're there to slay, not to hide
away from judgemental society. If you
have any more questions, DM me.
I was walking home the other day,
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I really need your help here.
DM me. Seriously. DM ME!
Run, the volcano is coming
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31The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 05— 2021