The Arctic Marine - 30.10.1941, Page 4

4
THE ARCTIC MARINE
This Issue of The Arctic Marine Published by
A2-TK Celebrating its First Anniversary
MODERN
COMFORTS
★
A fifteen minute play in one act.
★
Characters.
ist. Sgt. Growler Fouler, who may
resemble a human slightly, but
this resemblance is purely accid-
ental and is not meant to offend
any member of the human race.
Office Stooge, a freckle-faced kind
hearted lad who is an honorary
member of the Waste-paper
Basket Emptiers Aassociation of
America.
Commanding Officer, General Nu-
isance, as hard-boiled as a 12
minute egg.
Sergeant “Willie The Wolf” Willi-
ams, a decrepit old Sgt. in the
U.S. Marine Corps Reserve.
Pvt. “Hollywood” Nathan, a not-
orious liar from Hollywood,
California, to be used as a wit-
ness.
S c ene I.
(In the Company office, Sgt.
Growler Fouler is busily en-
gaged in typing out a court
martial proceedings via the
two finger, hunt end peck syst-
em. Office Stooge is preparing
to start for the incinerator
with a basket of waste-paper.
(Comes a discreet tap at the
office door).)
íst Sgt. Fouler: Come in!
(Door opens, enters Sgt.
“Willie the Wolf” Williams,
closely s followed by Pvt.
“Hollywood” Nathan).
ist Sgt. Fouler: (In a very
nasty vocie) State your busi-
ness and shove off.
Sgt. Williams: I would like
to speak to the Command-
ing Officer.
lst Sgt. Fouler: For what rea-
son?
Sgt. Williams: To draw one,
(1) each comforter, regula-
tion Government issue, col-
or dark tan, size 36”x72”.
ist Sgt.: AA7ait here, I’ll go see
the General. (lst Sgt. crosses
the room and knocks on
General Nuisance’s office
door).
C. O.: (In a thnudering voice)
Come in!
ist Sgt. Enters shuffling nerv-
ously — —
C.O.: State your business, Sgt.
Fouler.
ist Sgt.: Sir, there is a Sgt.
Williams here that requests
permission to speak witli the
General.
C.O.: What is the nature of
Sgt. Williams’ business?
ist Sgt.: To obtain one of tlie
comforters which we receiv-
ed from the Quartermaster
yesterday, Sir.
C.O.: (With a nasty leer) Show
Sgt. Williams in, Sgt. Foul-
er.
ist Sgt.: Aye, Aye, Sir. (Sgt.
Fouler takes one step back-
ward, does a smart ahout-
face and leaves tlie office).
ist Sgt.: (With a nasty leer on
his face and an almost exact
duplicate of Gen. Nuisance)
Sgt. WTlliams, tlie General
will see you now.
S c e n e II.
(Inside General Nuuisance’s
Office).
(Sgt. Williams crosses the
room and enters Gen. Nuis-
ance’s office, after cautioning
Pvt. “Hollywood” Nathan to
wait outside the door. Gen.
Nuisance leaves Sgt. Williams
standing for five minutes in
front of desk, nervouslv shift-
ing from one size 12, russet
brown regulation G.I. slioe to
the other. In process of shift-
ing, Sgt. Williams dislodges
one bar of Hawaiian Fudge
pogy-bait from his híp pocket,
which falls with a loud crash
to the deck, whereupon the
General looks up.)
C.O.: (In a rasping, whisky
soaked voice) AVell! What
the Hell do you want?.
Sgt. Williams: (Starts violent-
ly, clears his throat nervous-
ly, and swallows his adams
apple two or three times, and
is unable to speak).
C.O.: Well! Don’t stand tliere
like a darnned idiot, say
sometliing!
Sgt. WiIIiams': S-s-s-’sir, I wisli
to speak with you.
C.O.: (AVith a withering look)
W7ell! W7liat’s stopping you?
Did the cat get your tongue?
Sgt. Williams: —e-er, no Sir,
that is not .exactly, Sir.
C.O.: (Very sweetly) Ali! Per-
haps the Sergeant come in
to look at my Barrymore
profile, is that it?
Sgt. Williams: —e-er, No, Sir,
that is not exeactly, Sir.
C.O.: (Very, verv sweetly) Ah!
Perliaps I airf repulsive to
the siglit, is that it Sergeant?
Sgt. Williams: —er, No, Sir,
not exactly, Sir.
C.O.: (W’itli an exasperated
look) My God, man, is tliat
all vou can say?
Sgt. Williams: (Very, very
nervously) —er, No, Sir. Not
exactly, Sir.
C.O.: Now look, my good man,
did you come in here for
the express purpose of wast-
ing' my time?
Sgt. Williams: —er-er, No, Sir,
tliat is, not exactlv, Sir.
C.O.: Ye Gods! And small suf-
fering catfishes! Please,
.pretty please, tell me what
you want, Sergeant.
Sgt. Williams: Well, Sir, I
lieard tliat vou had fifteen
comforters to he issued and
one hundred and fifty men
for tliem to be issued to, so
I wanted to put in my re-
quisition early. (Sgt. Willi-
ams swallows hard, as if he
liad just got a heavy load off
liis chest.)
C.O.: Sgt. Williams, I suppose
you realize, due to the short-
age of comforters, that we
will have to be positive tliat
you really require this com-
forter to keep you from
freezing.
Sgt. Williams: Yes, Sir, I und-
erstand, Sir, and I think I
can fnrnish all tlie proof
that is needed, Sir. For the
past five mornings, I liave
been waking up so black and
blue with cold that “Formal-
dehyde” Capron has been
looking at me witli a spec-
ulative gleam in liis eve as
thoug'h he saw possibilities
of getting to practice his
chosen profession, which I
might add, Sir, is mortician.
C.O.: Tliat is all well and good,
Sergeant, but you will liave
to produce witnesses and
make a sworn statement that
you'have shivered and shook
with cold for five niglits pre-
vious to this application. Is
that clear?
Sgt. Williams: Yes, Sir, and
I can produce my first wit-
ness now. (Sgt. Williams
calls in a loud voice for
“Hollywood” Nathan, wlio
comes crashing through the
door, falls flat on his face,
gets up with a stupid grin
on liis pan --------and says:
“Hollywood” Nathan: Hi ya,
General, Hi ya, “Wolf”,
AVhat ya want?
C.O.: My Good man, is this
your witness?
Sgt. Williams: Yes, Sir, and
a more truthful man I never
Iaid eyes on, Sir. The onlv
difference between him and
George Washington, Sir, is
that Washington couldn’t tell
a lie, “HoIIywood” can but
won’t.
C.O.: Well, he certainly be-
lies his looks, I truthfully
say that for him. (Turning
to “Hollywood” Nathan with
a stern look on his face):
Young fellow, how long' have
you known tliis man?
“Hollywood”: (Witli a vacant.
stare in his eyes) AVhat man
is that, Sir?
C.O.: (In a very sarcastic vo-
ice) Just how many more
men do you see in this room
besides myself?
“Hollywood”: (Closely exam-
ines the room) One, Sir.
C.O.: Um-m, a very, very in-
telligent lad. Now, young
man, after you have brought
your power of deduction in-
to plav, and discovered only
one other man in the roonl
besides myself, would you
please tell me how long you
have known Sgt. Williams.
„Hollywood”: (Brightening
perceptibly): Oh! Him?
Why didn’t you say so in the
first place? I have known
Sgt. Williams for about a
year, Sir.
C.O.: In the time that vou liave
known Sgt. Williams, have
you always found him to be
honest, trustworthy and
trutliful in all his dealings?
“Hollywood”: Yes, Sir, at all
times, Sir.
C.O.: Have you at any time
within the last five mornings
observed Sgt. “Willie the
Wolf” Williams, as he is
known to vou, to appear to
be cold and nearly frozen?
“Hollywood”: Yes, Sir, for the
past five nights Sgt. “Willie
the Wolf” has been shiver-
ing and shaking in liis bunk
so bad that he has been
keeping us all awake.
C.O.: Mv God! Say it isn’t so,
to think that a member of
my command has been suf-
fering in this manner. (At
this a look of extreme satis-