Reykjavík Grapevine - aug. 2023, Side 12

The Reykjavík Grapevine 12 / 23 12Feature
WORDS Catharine Fulton
(with files from Rex
Beckett)
IMAGES Art Bicnick
What is BDSM? Typically
considered sexual preferences and
practices that include elements
of control, submission or pain, it
stands for bondage, dominance,
sadism and masochism. It’s kink, it’s
control, it’s an exploration of sexual
desire. It’s pleasure and pain and
pleasure derived from pain. It’s role
play, power exchange and humilia-
tion. It’s intimacy and sex.
If you’re blushing right now, you’re
not alone. BDSM remains taboo for
large swaths of the population –
even within the LGBTQIA+ commu-
nity. It’s a sexual preference. But is it
an orientation? Is it queer? What is
BDSM really?
“The last chair of the organisation
and I, we’ve had this conversation I
don’t know how many times,” says
Margrét Nilsdóttir, chairperson of
the Icelandic BDSM Organisation,
when asked for an official line on the
practice. “It’s always the question
that is asked in every interview and
every time we’re being talked about,
but it’s so hard to define it. It’s so dif-
ferent for everybody.”
For some, Margrét says, gesturing to
herself and her fellow board mem-
bers, Jón Thoroddsen (Nonni) and
Katrin Íris, there’s no question that
it’s an orientation. “Some people
really burn for it and have it as a very
intrinsic part of themselves,” she
says. “But it can also be something
you do to spice up your sex life or
whatever. So I think first you have to
kind of split [those groups] – BDSM
as an orientation and BDSM as stuff
you do. Because the acronym alone
only stands for the stuff you do. It’s
not really descriptive about the rea-
sons why we do it.”
“We have sometimes tried to define
BDSM as everything you do that is
sexual or for sexual, romantic or in-
timate purposes that is outside the
box of what is considered ‘normal.’”
Margrét explains. “And that box is
expanding a lot.”
A TUMULTUOUS UNION
Both the “stuff” being done and the
reasons for exploring BDSM have
seen the global community em-
broiled in debate every time Pride
month – internationally in June,
but August here in Iceland – rolls
around. As the “love is love” mes-
saging of international Pride fes-
tivities works to ensure marches
are “family-friendly,” conversations
around the presence of kink, BDSM,
nudity and other expressions of sex-
uality at Pride are reignited annually.
Pearl clutchers question the harm
being inflicted on children ex-
posed to pup play gear, harnessed
or collared individuals, or the odd
bare bottom at Pride parades. While
Iceland is often spoken about as a
forward-thinking and open society,
it hasn’t escaped the debate about
the appropriateness of BDSM at
Pride or within the larger LGBTQIA+
community.
Though an official entity since 1997,
the Icelandic BDSM Organisation
became a partner association of
Samtökin ‘78, the national queer as-
sociation, in 2016 in a vote bookend-
ed by drama and heated debate.
“Conservative groups talk about
‘slippery slopes,’” says Nonni about
the larger debate around the inclu-
sion of BDSM under the Samtökin
‘78 umbrella, “but respectability
politics are a slippery slope. I think
that’s really important to remember.”
The board of BDSM in Iceland first
expressed interest in affiliating with
Samtökin ‘78 in 2015, but the associ-
ation was concerned it would cause
turmoil within their core community
and instead advised the board to
take some time to introduce itself
and its motivations to the larger
queer community.
“We took that advice and tried to
reach out, talk to people and explain
our position that basically we just
wanted cooperation and formal in-
clusion, seeing that many of us were
already queer in other ways and that
kink has been a part of the queer
community since, well, since forev-
er,” recalls Margrét, who was a board
member at that time as well. Indeed,
kinksters and the BDSM community
have been active in the queer rights
movement since Stonewall.
The board’s application at Samtökin
‘78’s 2016 general meeting was
successful – albeit briefly. Once their
inclusion was publicised, a group of
older LGBT folks, who Margrét says
had long been inactive within the
community, took offence and turned
to technicalities in the queer associ-
ation’s charter to deem the general
meeting – and, by extension, the
vote about BDSM in Iceland’s affilia-
tion – null and void.
So a second vote was held and
again the BDSM group was admit-
ted, though by a smaller margin of
support. The vocal opposition still
did not let up and managed to force
a third vote.
“It was the biggest general meeting
ever,” Margrét says. “People were
angry and friendships were falling
apart – it was horrible. But in hind-
sight it was also cleansing, as there
had been an underlying bitterness
that hadn’t been addressed for
years which was now in the open,
with us caught in the middle.”
The third vote was also in favour of
the BDSM group’s affiliation with
Samtökin ‘78. It has stood since.
Nonni recalls that a number of peo-
ple who had initially been opposed
to the inclusion of BDSM within
Samtök ‘78 came around rather
quickly and some even approached
Margrét about their change of heart.
Margrét even recalls one older gay
man raising his hand at one of those
fateful general meetings to ask
whether BDSM’s affiliation meant
the community could finally talk
about sex again.
“You know, [many Samtökin ‘78
members] were so tired of the
white-washing and ‘love is love’
and all that,” Margrét shares. “The
message that ‘we’re just like every-
body else,’ and taking all the sexual
energy and the queerness out …
That had been the discourse for
so many years that people were
feeling bored. So many people
were relieved when BDSM came
to Samtökin. It was like a breath of
fresh air – I had heard that verba-
tim.”
“Having this big latex-clad elephant
in the room forced people to kind
of admit that queerness is not just
‘love is love,’” Margrét continues.
“Queerness is being disturbing.”
Fortunately – for the entire queer
community – BDSM has since been
formally and warmly welcomed by
Samtökin ‘78. Since being brought
under the umbrella of the queer
association, the Icelandic BDSM
Organisation has enjoyed fruitful
and supportive cooperation, using
Samtökin ‘78’s headquarters for
Feature Bound By All Things Kinky
Exploring BDSM in Iceland and how it fits into the larger queer community
Having this big old latex clad
elephant in the room forced
people to kind of admit that
queerness is not just “love is
love.” Queerness is being dis-
turbing.