Reykjavík Grapevine - aug. 2023, Side 14

The Reykjavík Grapevine 12 / 23 14Feature
and informal gatherings – called
“munches” in the BDSM communi-
ty – in Iceland is their distinct lack of
drugs and alcohol. The use of sub-
stances is actually something that
surprised Katrín about the BDSM
scenes in other countries in which
she has played.
“When I went the first time to Torture
Garden, it was my first big event and
people were getting shit faced,” she
recalls. “I was like, ‘whoa, is this al-
lowed? There’s no drink limit?’ They
have dungeon monitors looking out
for people, but they’re not asking
‘Are you intoxicated or are you on
drugs?’”
She explains that the entire expe-
rience was fine until the wee hours
of the morning when the event was
ending and “a lot of men were get-
ting desperate.” It was then that she
was being grabbed and picked up
by men with whom she had engaged
in consensual activities earlier in
the event. A dungeon master had to
intervene.
“He said, ‘girl, just get out of here.’
Up until that I was just fine. I was
alone most of the night. I had played
some sadomasochistic games,
which was fine. But the clinginess at
the end of the night was too much
because people were so drunk.”
“The mentality at parties [in Iceland]
is if you’re going to have a drink,
you’re going to do it after you play,”
Nonni adds. “And if you’re only there
for observing, I think it would be
frowned upon if you’re drinking more
than a couple.”
The drinking culture may differ at
privately-hosted parties, but even
in those settings intoxication isn’t
the norm. “That’s mostly newbies,”
Katrín adds. “Mostly new people
that maybe drink too much at those
private parties.”
SAFETY AND CONSENT
Whether or not substance use is
happening at BDSM play parties and
munches, other factors can impact
the safety of participants. Namely, if
someone in attendance is an abus-
er. Because, despite what some
rampant discourse about the BDSM
community projects, the acts being
engaged in and the power dynamics
being consensually explored are not
abusive in and of themselves.
“It’s all based on consent,” Margrét
explains. “Consent is the key there.
Because, you know, sex without
consent is rape. So, hitting a person
without consent is violence. With
consent, it’s just you hitting a per-
son.”
As in every other interpersonal dy-
namic in the world, abusers can find
ways to inflict abuse on another. This
is also the case in BDSM relation-
ships, where an abusive individual is
perverting what is meant to be a mu-
tually consensual and fulfilling rela-
tionship into something that is solely
about satisfying their own wants or
needs. But abuse and BDSM are not
two sides of the same coin.
“These abusers, they might very
well be kinky as well,” Nonni says. “I
mean, they can present themselves
as part of the community. But there’s
this No True Scotsman thing often
going on, like if you’re into BDSM,
you can’t be an abuser because they
are mutually exclusive. But that’s a
naive take.”
Consent occurs with communica-
tion. “I think it lies in communica-
tion and the intent of the game,”
Katrín says. “I think the whole thing
is non-abusive when both agree to
it, and both are ready to commit to
[addressing failures] if they happen.
Usually, they don’t happen. But I go
into the scene knowing, this could
hurt me and this could happen, but
I trust myself, I trust my partner. So
I’m willing to take the risk. And I
know he will be there for me if some-
thing happens.”
However, the presence of abusers
within the scene has kept some
from participating actively. One per-
son who spoke with the Grapevine
under the condition of anonymity
shared that they have not participat-
ed in official parties or munches out
of fear their abuser – who was also
convicted – was still participating.
As Margrét explains, “people have
turned to us and said ‘I don’t feel
safe in those events, because my
abuser is there and can some-
thing be done?’ And it depends on
the host that is hosting the event,
because we cannot, as a board, say
‘you cannot allow this person at your
event.’ It’s a grey area even to kind
of tell the host that a person is an
alleged abuser.”
“But if a victim of abuse decides
to press charges and if that would
evolve in such a way that our testi-
mony would be worth anything, then
we would engage.”
DIVING IN
With BDSM in Iceland hosting for-
mal workshops and get-togethers
around ten times per year, there are
plenty of entry points for BDSM-cu-
rious or currently BDSM-closetted
individuals to explore the commu-
nity.
“ I think it’s a very good community
[in Iceland],” Nonni says. “I’m listen-
ing to podcasts and I’m reading stuff
on FetLife and it seems that a lot of
communities are sort of fractured, or
they’re very exclusive. And I think we
have a very welcoming community. I
think there’s a lot of people who feel
welcome. Even if they’re just kind of
kink-adjacent. They just kind of feel
welcome within the BDSM commu-
nity.”
“I think that’s true,” Margrét adds.
“I think a lot of people are drawn to
the BDSM community, not because
they’re so overly kinky, but because
of the acceptance and inclusion.”
All three agree the best way to be
involved is to attend an event and
engage others in conversation. They
warn, however, that it’s sometimes
less sexy than people anticipate.
“Why are they talking about Star
Trek for hours?” Nonni jokes, with
Margrét adding “ I thought there was
kink. Why are people talking about
Dr. Who and My Little Pony?”
A TRIBE FOUND
Whatever misperceptions are float-
ing around about BDSM in public
discourse and popular culture and
no matter if the inclusion of BDSM
groups in Pride events continues
to spark debate and sow division,
there’s no denying that those four
letters are part and parcel of the
identities or lives of countless peo-
ple around the world, including an
estimated 4,000 in Iceland.
As Margrét concludes, “I have never
experienced this kind of belonging
to any group. I’ve always felt like an
alien or an outsider or like I could not
really let people see me. I thought
if people could see how crazy I was
they would run to the hills.”
“Then, getting into the BDSM com-
munity, it was instantly my tribe. I just
looked around and had this connec-
tion with people that I never felt – a
kind of belonging to something big-
ger than myself, which was huge for
me; almost spiritual. It was a really
big thing for me. And I think I never
lost that kind of sense of solidarity
with this community.”
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If you’re not proud and out
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“Yeah, so it is disgusting. If it
wasn’t disgusting, you wouldn’t
be hiding yourself.”