Reykjavík Grapevine - Aug 2023, Page 38

The Reykjavík Grapevine 12 / 23 38
Musings Still Single, Hoping
to Mingle
Bad advice for finding queer love
WORDS Charlie Winters
IMAGE Art Bicnick
When you arrive the first
thing that you notice is that the sun
never sets on this queer little island.
Walking down the streets there’s
rainbows everywhere but you aren’t
focused on that because… Dear
Lord! Everyone is so fucking hot! Gay
panic hits you like the rapidly shift-
ing weather and the one question
that echoes in your brain: “How do I
get me some of that?”
Hi, I’m Charlie and I’ll be your gay
guide to Reykjavik. As a single
anxious virginal gay immigrant who
went to Christian missionary school
(God bless), I am the forefront expert
on not getting laid. So, to help you
out, I’m going to tell you everything
I’ve tried on this little gay volcanic
landmass to try and get a date, so
you don’t replicate my mistakes.
First, I must apologize, ladies and
nonbinary friends, my attempts have
been strictly MLM (male loving male
– my Multi Level Marketing ventures
are unrelated). As such, you’ll have
to look at my advice through the
lens of a cis-homo male.
First, we need to figure out if it is
possible to have a homoerotic
encounter in Iceland. Looking at its
history, Iceland is pretty queer. The
country has had a queer organi-
sation (Samtökin ‘78) for over 45
years, had the world’s first open-
ly gay prime minister (Jóhanna
Sigurðardóttir) and has the most
LGBTQ+ members of society per
capita (trust me). This means the
likelihood of homo-to-homo com-
munication is high.
Great! So how do I meet them? Any
good manhunt starts at a gay bar.
If you’ve ever Googled the words
“queer” and “Iceland” you know of
Kiki. You can’t miss it, it’s the down-
town building painted with a giant
rainbow where Reykjavik’s most
fashionably dressed gay tourists and
straight women dance to the ABBA
remix playing every night. I was
able to strike up a wonderful con-
versation with a cute guy when they
caught me hiding in the bathrooms
hyperventilating, sadly it didn’t go
anywhere.
The alternative bar is Gaukurinn.
It’s also downtown and it’s known to
host many queer events. If Kiki is full
to the brim with the party queens,
Gaukurinn is filled with the leather
jacket, spiked collared alt queers.
They’re all friendly and wonderful,
but a hot guy said “Hey” to me once
and Gay Panic evolved into Gay Pan-
ic Attack real fast. I’ve never been
able to go back.
If the bars are a no-go, then the al-
ternative is apps. There are three in
Iceland: Tinder, Grindr and Smitten.
Tinder is Tinder except you run out
of potential people to swipe on
damn fast. But hey, if you’re looking
for hunky gay sailors, flight attend-
ants or tourists, it’s the place to be.
Unfortunately, I’m simultaneously
scared of the sea, inflight meals and
camping gear, so Tinder didn’t work
for me.
There’s also Grindr. Those on Grindr
know how thirsty people can be
and on an island with such a small
population, you might as well be
slapped with a “Fresh Meat” label
and taken to the market. Hungry
queers grabbed at me from all sides.
Too intense.
I was left with one final option. If any-
one else is on Smitten, let me know,
cause it seems to be me and some
guy named Bjarki just chillin’ here.
And those are all the tips I can
provide. Hopefully, you won’t follow
my advice and will actually be able
to find yourself someone to spend
Pride with.
Good luck, Godspeed, use protec-
tion, and happy hunting.
Hot tub, sauna, gym
& a relaxation area
in the city center.
Þingholtsstræti 3-5, 101 Reykjavík
centerhotels.com/spa-gym
2 for 1
spa offer
Valid until August 31st