Reykjavík Grapevine - 24.06.2005, Síða 35

35
Fellow citizens.
It was on a rainy day 61 years ago that the youthful visionaries
of an old nation came together on Þingvellir and declared
Iceland’s independence. Vigorously have we marched on, on
the solid foundation of the world’s oldest democracy, towards a
bright future of prosperity, freedom and happiness. For 61 years
Iceland has proudly asserted, not only its independence in the
world of nations, but values and a character of its own. Yes, we
have marched proudly and our singing is heard. But now, my
dear fellow Icelanders, it is with unlimited joy that I tell you:
March no more! The future is here! We are there!
Our dreams have been fulfilled. A recent survey, conducted
secretly by government agents, proves beyond any reasonable
doubt that nothing is left to be done, no desire is unfulfilled.
Everyone is, if not totally satisfied, as satisfied as his or her
imagination allows for. Progress has succeeded.
Agriculture, general production and business is handled by
others. The development of thought has become as obsolete as
the development of anything else, since no change is needed any
more. You may expect technological innovations from all over
the place – heck, you might even participate in such procedures,
to kill time, so to speak. But nothing will be required of you
ever again.
Personally, I have thus taken up golf, to kill time, or what
remains of it. Recommendations for other futile activities,
put forward in the conclusive report from the government
agents, include such diverse things as sex, car-racing, eating
out, reading good books, reading bad books, watching movies,
meditation, karate, sprout fishing and creative writing courses.
There is not a doubt in my mind that all of you – all of us – will
find something unproductive but fairly amusing to do, until we
die.
My wife has taken up poetry and I will now read you one of her
poems, for our amusement, and to fulfill the last of my duties,
the last duty ever laid on an Icelander, a duty that most certainly
will not remain unaccomplished, my duty to stand speaking at
this podium for a full twelve minutes. Here goes:
Love is like a flower
growing on lava
on the way home from Keflavík airport.
I will then tell a joke:
Do you know how many Jews you can fit into a Volkswagen?
– Excuse me, it slipped my mind that this joke does not
amuse me. At all. Er … how many … hm … how many
Icelanders does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, for we
have immigrant workers. Actually, this is no joke. Dear fellow
citizens: we have immigrant workers to do stuff for us.
If you see them idly wandering the streets and you know of
something that might be done, don’t hesitate to call out and let
them lend a hand! You may loathe work but they love it! They
still have desires to be fulfilled, these people, and some of you
could make it into a hobby to aid them by giving them things to
do. I am sure some of you will.
I will now take off my jacket and swing it around to
demonstrate my happiness at the success of progress. Whooooo!
Wheeeeee!
And finally, I will recite the Icelandic national hymn, in as
much as I remember it. Please stay silent, I want to see if I can
do this on my own.
Iceland’s thousand years,
Iceland’s thousand years … no wait … wait, I know how it
begins …
Oh, god of our country,
oh, our country’s god,
we praise your holy holy name,
under the … stars … knitting …
for you a thousand years is like a day,
no, no: a day like a thousand years,
and a thousand years like a day, no more – and here it comes:
Iceland’s thousand years,
Iceland’s thousand years
– a single, small eternity-flower
with a quivering tear
that worships its god
and dies.
Well and there you are, my fellow citizens … as you can
see I am less and less formal as this speech goes on, quite
appropriately for these not all that exciting but quite pleasant
new times. There is one minute yet to go … one minute …
like a thousand years, eh? I will use this final minute in the
history of Iceland to mention a few of the coolest things that
ever happened – what I consider a few of the coolest things and
I guess you do, too – the cod exports started by World War
II, thank god for that; the Marshall Plan and all its washing
machines, that was quite important … Eurovision, handball,
chocolate factories, er … tourists interested in the Icelandic
horse, unaware that it’s not really a pony, hehe! Suckers! …
deCode, which I guess will remain a pleasant place for those
interested in genetics, and finally that contract with China.
Now, my children, my fellow citizens, you guys, I have spoken
for eleven and a half minutes, and it is high time to declare
the history of Iceland, and thereby Iceland itself, over. I don’t
resign, I declare that my job has vanished, as has the whole state
and its infrastructure – go and have fun in the sun, enjoy those
interest rates, dive in! Whooooo!
The Grapevine Presents
A Spoken Word Creation
Written for, But Not Performed
by, the President of Iceland
During the 61st Celebration
of Iceland’s Independence, at
Austurvöllur, Reykjavík,
June 17th 2005.
By Haukur Már Helgason