Reykjavík Grapevine - 05.03.2010, Qupperneq 4

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4
Letters
Sour grapes
and stuff
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MOST AWESOME LETTER:
Dear grapevine
I’ve been living in Iceland for seven months and I am having the time of my life. I think
I’m over the worst part of the year; I have had sheep-balls for lunch and the dark, dark morn-
ings until eleven, the horror! No, I just didn’t get out of bed until it was light, “you should never
fight nature, people!”.
Having moved from London in July to get away from the big smoke and throw away society
there, to a cleaner healthier life, I find myself constantly amazed by how much litter there is
here.
The thing is I run, a lot, around Reykjavík and Kópavogur and the amount of rubbish that
is thrown from the cars amazes me. You really notice it in such a beautiful place.
Ok, let me just say one thing; you may think I’m just a tourist who knows nothing about
how Icelanders live and that I’m looking at it through the eyes of a loved up immigrant who has
fallen in love with this strange land, how ever in the England we have a saying; you wouldn’t
crap in your own back garden.
I realize everybody drives here, and I understand, I tried to get a bus once but I couldn’t
wait for two days! I didn’t have the time, or the below zero outfits needed, plus every car driver
looks at me with amazement! “Why is he waiting, the golden circle? It’s not that way!”, While
slurping on a soda and throwing some fast-food wrapper out the window.
You have such an amazing life here; you really don’t want to end up using your garden as a
rubbish bin.
Jason doyle
Dear Jason,
You are absolutely right on every count. We won’t even bother with a witty retort here or any-
thing. You’re just right. Listen to Jason, people. He knows what he’s talking about. The rest of
y’all throwing shit from your cars: fuck you.
Morning,
I have been reading the online musings
and muttings for a few months to get an idea
of what to expect when visiting Iceland. I am
going to be there this weekend and I think I am
more excited than I was at christmas.
I have laughed and chuckled out loud in the
office more than once when passing the "work-
ing" hours engrossed in your website. Great
journalism and also very informative though
not sure if i'll be going to see "Empty Hollow
Void" on friday night...
Well just a big thanks for the Elf/Viking
tips and I hope the weather stays weather! Keep
up the good work.

Cheers
Geoff
Dear Geoff,
are you sure you’ve been reading the Grape-
vine? We do our best not to report on elves and
Vikings, although they admittedly slip in there
every now and again. Anyway, thank you for
your kind words – we hope you have a nice stay
in Iceland, don’t contract any STDs, see some
Aurora, hang out with some Vikings, shoot the
shit with elves, eat a glacier, hike some ram’s
balls, etc. etc.
There I was, sitting in my salubrious drawing
room pencilling another eviscerating review
on some spotty oiks who believed themselves
to be the next Sigur rós, when my servant of-
fered the latest periodical of the Reykjavik
Grapevine. Amongst the usual blathering was
some mains hum from a new hip beat combo
who called themselves Kimono. I vaguely recall
writing something about them a while back; I
review so many second rate Icelandic albums
it ś hard to remember.
Imagine how perturbed I was when my
good name was dragged through the mud all
because I deemed the title of their latest album
as “stupid” (actually I said it was “awful”) and
I lacked understanding and imagination! The
cads!
Once my blood pressure returned to nor-
mal, I realised that there was no way my puny
brain could possibly fathom the numerous
levels that the title, “Easy music for difficult
people”, operates on.
Quite simply this title should go up with
the great album names in history, for example
“UNeasy listening” by the main influence on
the Kimono sound, Chumbawamba. It even ex-
ceeds the subtle play on words exemplified by
Public Enemy ś “How You Sell Soul to a Soul-
less People Who Sold Their Soul?” or the But-
thole Surfers “Rembrandt Pussyhorse”. Indeed
the level of metaphysical philosophising with
“easy music for difficult people” is so great, that
“When the Pawn Hits the Conflicts He Thinks
Like a King, What He Knows Throws the Blows
When He Goes to the Fight, and He'll Win the
Whole Thing 'Fore He Enters the Ring, There's
No Body to Batter When Your Mind Is Your
Might, So When You Go Solo, You Hold Your
Own Hand, and Remember That Depth Is the
Greatest of Heights, and If You Know Where
You Stand, Then You'll Know Where to Land,
and If You Fall It Won't Matter, Cuz You Know
That You're Right” by Fiona Apple can t́ possi-
bly stand up to it! It truly is that excellent!
And what sort of name is Cluness? Well if I
knew my father I’m sure I would ask him (right
now I’ve narrowed it down to Sean Connery or
Fat Bastard from the Austin Powers movies).
But if I must descend to the name calling level
of the lumpen proletariat, then all I can say
is that Kimono can suck on my 12-inch taint
forthwith!
Regards
Robert Carl Cluness Esq.
PS – Get a bass player, your sound is too tinny....
Dear Robert (Robert?),
thank you for your letter. We are pretty sure
it will be the last thing ever printed in the
Grapevine by yourself, as the notoriously hard
men of kimono are apt to hunt you down, mo-
lest, disembowel and skin your ass when this
is published. Regardless, you do have a point.
That Fiona Apple album title is surely a classic
of modern philosophy. It’s been lovely knowing
you, Bob. See you in hell.
Dear Grapevine,
While I think highly of your publication, ap-
prove of the causes your journalists defend and
read with great pleasure your articles about Ice-
land and Icelandic culture, I find myself repeat-
edly puzzled by your excessive use of the word
“awesome”. To be honest, I deleted that word
from my vocabulary a long time ago, thinking
it had lost all of its power – if it ever had any.
The English lexicon is rich enough, dare I say,
for you to find quite a few synonyms for that
word.
See, I am one of these people who think
that, if you tend to over use a word, it loses its
strength and becomes almost meaningless,
really. And it seems that, these past few years,
television has had quite a strong effect on our
written culture, for better or worse. And while I
love TV and I cannot live a day without a rerun
of Friends or a week without a new episode of
How I met your mother (even with their count-
less “awesome, dude!”s), I am quite saddened
by its influence on our English vocabulary. Or
maybe I'm just not cool enough to get the whole
“awesome” thing – and don't you dare calling
me “dude”!
I am not against the modernization of
language, far from that, but by all means, let's
not forget all these synonyms, whose destiny
is indeed to keep us away from awkward rep-
etitions, like the ones I often come across in
the Grapevine (or do you get paid by the “awe-
some”?). If you take your job seriously, turn off
your TV and scroll through your thesaurus,
please!
Awesome, when you analyze its construc-
tion, is actually quite a poetic word. Or used to
be. But it has lost its beauty simply because, one
day, it became fashionable amongst American
teenagers. I would expect from a magazine or
newspaper, no matter how trendy and modern
it is, to use a more sophisticated language. This
not preventing you from keeping the very infor-
mal tone which gives the Grapevine its charm
and personality, of course.
As far as I am concerned, I do hope you
will not take this letter as an offense, merely
as constructive criticism, and yes, I will keep
on reading the Grapevine and enjoy it, because
despite this little flaw (which, who knows, per-
haps really bothers me alone and a couple of my
friends), your paper is still pretty astonishing,
awe-inspiring, beautiful, breathtaking, daunt-
ing, fascinating, formidable, grand, imposing,
impressive, incredible, magnificent, majestic,
marvelous, mind-blowing, prodigious, stun-
ning, superb, wonderful... you get my point!
Best regards,
Jean-Christophe from France (not even a native
English speaker!)
Dear Jean-Cristophe from France that’s not
even a native English-speaker,
thank you for your most awesome letter.
It really got us thinking. For instance, what is
this “thesaurus” you speak of? Who are those
“Friends” you like watching? What are “syn-
onyms” and “lexicons”? What have you got
against American teenagers?
Anyway, dude, thanks again for your awe-
some letter.
What? No Free Beer?
Yes, there's no free beer for this issue's MOST AWESOME LETTER. We finally found
something even more awesome than beer to give away to the folks that write us fun and/
or interesting letters. Yes, there is such a thing!
And what is it that’s so much more awesome than a free case
of beer? We’ll tell you: It’s a hundred page laser cut horse-
skin notebook, designed and crafted by the most excellent
designer (and sometimes GV contributor) Sruli Recht! He calls
the thing THY WILL BE DONE, it looks freaking awesome,
and it’s available at his boutique Vopnabúrið and through his
web-site, www.srulirecht.com, for a mere 3.800 ISK. And did
we mention that it’s hand-bound with square horseshoe nails?
Because it is.