Reykjavík Grapevine - 12.08.2011, Síða 42

42
The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 12 — 2011
Sexy | Time
A long-standing stereotype about
Icelanders is that they do not date.
The notion of asking for someone's
number, inviting them out for dinner
or movies, taking a potential rela-
tionship through a step-by-step pro-
cess from friends to lovers has been,
as many contend, a phenomenon
largely absent from Icelandic soci-
ety. Relationships are rather founded
within circles of friends, often cata-
lysed by alcohol; you're friends one
moment and lovers the next, with
levels of commitment increasing
with how many times you sleep with
each other.
This stereotype, like most, is not without
a kernel of truth. In a society as close-knit
as Iceland, the whole “getting to know
you” aspect of dating can seem largely
unnecessary. But it is this very close-knit
quality that also pushes more “fringe”
aspects of the romantic world into the
shadows—specifically with regard to Ice-
land's BDSM and swing scene.
“Many couples probably engage in
BDSM, or have a D/s [Dominant/submis-
sive] relationship, without even knowing
what it is,” says Tinna, who has been ac-
tive in the BDSM community, both here
in Iceland and in the UK, for several years
now. “Maybe a girl will like it when her
boyfriend ties her up, or a guy enjoys be-
ing spanked, but neither would ever say
they're into BDSM. That term carries as-
sociations with something they'd see as
freakish and perverted. Not something
'normal' people would do. But they do it
all the time.”
It is difficult to assess just how large,
or small, Iceland's underground sex
scene is. There are a handful of Icelan-
dic web forums catering specifically to
those into BDSM and swinging, though
none that are especially active. People
with these interests prefer instead to use
general dating sites, such as Einkamal.is,
to find like-minded partners.
Tinna has been less than pleased
with Iceland's BDSM scene, which she
compares to “sandbox games”—children
playing irresponsibly.
“There's almost no self-policing,” she
says. “If some young sub ends up in the
hands of a Dom [“sub” and “Dom” are
shorthand for “submissive” and “Domi-
nant”—the use of lowercase for the
former and uppercase for the latter un-
derlining the power dynamic] who turns
out to be abusive, doesn't respect limits
or doesn't listen to safe words, normally,
word would spread like wildfire to avoid
this guy. Here, though, people are so
afraid of being exposed as being a part of
this world that they keep things quiet.”
HOW THE SCENE GREW
Freyja, who has also been a part of Ice-
land's BDSM scene, contends that the
size of Iceland is only a part of why people
with these interests stay underground.
“In the last few years laws regard-
ing sex have gotten stricter,” she says.
“In 2000, the hours that clubs could stay
open until were changed. Then they be-
gan shutting down the strip clubs, and
then they made it illegal to pay for the
services of a prostitute.”
Freyja says that while these issues,
taken separately, might have fine justi-
fications, they reflect a general growing
prudishness about sex.
“In the last five years or so, the price
for a regular service [from a prostitute]
has gone from 30,000 ISK to 15,000 ISK,”
she adds. “In times of crazy inflation, I'd
say that this is a pretty good indicator
that the underground sex scene is grow-
ing. Who's fault is that? Brushing things
under the carpet might just make the
mould grow under the carpet. So we have
more hookers and cheap ones, too.”
Things being driven underground has
done little to affect the vibrancy of the
community, though, she says. “I think this
is how things came to be in the under-
ground sex scene in Iceland. People were
told not to, so they found a way, and also
found out that they weren't the only pervs
out there. Now you can find little parties
of a 50-year-old bisexual crossdresser
being spanked in a pink dress just after
the evening news by an ordinary couple
in the suburbs. If you don't like that, I'm
sure you can find what you crave.”
Freyja explained the process of how
these people find each other. It starts,
more often than not, on Einkamál. A per-
son sets up a profile (usually without a
face photo) outlining their interests. They
find others with similar interests, and be-
gin communicating through private mes-
sages on this site. If this goes well, they
might carry the conversations over to
MSN or Skype chat. If this goes well, they
might then agree to meet in public, such
as at a café, to see if there's any physical
chemistry. And if that goes well, they take
it from there.
But not everything going on under-
ground is strictly one-on-one. Gunnar
and Bryndís, a couple in their late 40s,
regularly host swing parties at their sum-
mer house in the countryside. Having
taken part in swing parties in Iceland and
the US for a number of years, they have
learned a few things along the way.
Gunnar and Bryndís have had swing
parties that involved young people from
all over Iceland, but for the most part,
they say those involved in this world are
between the ages 30 and 55 and usually
come from the capital area.
“Young people, especially those with
small children, might have a hard time
keeping this a secret or simply finding
the time and energy to take part,” Gun-
nar says. “People in small towns have to
be even more careful. But when these
couples get older, and the kids are moved
out of the house, they start looking for
adventure.”
PLAYING BY THE RULES
Bryndís and Gunnar have established
ground rules with regard to who can
participate, and how. “We ask for total
honesty,” Bryndís says. “We're not go-
ing to have some guy over who wants
to cheat on his wife, or wants to deceive
their partner in some way.” By one bizarre
example, she mentions a time when they
were contacted by a young man looking
for a foursome. Insisting that his girlfriend
could not know he had found the couple
on Einkamál, he suggested instead that
he take her for a walk, and that Gunnar
could pretend to “just happen by” and of-
fer the couple to take part in a foursome.
They also don't tolerate possessive-
ness and jealousy. Most important, how-
ever, is that “everyone has a good time.” If
someone is nervous or shy in a group set-
ting, they say, they prefer to make them
feel relaxed, with assurances that “no
one should do anything they don't want
to do.”
This, then, is the core of Iceland's
underground sex scene (or really, un-
derground sex communities the world
over): a form of fun between consenting,
informed adults.
“The ones that never liked having the
sex scene shoved in their face are happy
thinking that it all just went away,” Freyja
says. “At the same time, the underground
scene is growing fast in all directions.
That bubble is about to burst, and then
we'll see what is accepted and what
isn't.”
Iceland's Underground Sex Scene:
“Whatever. Let them have their Scandinavian
language. The Icelanders and Faroese have more
fun speaking to each other anyways”
All names in this article have been changed to protect identities.
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Lækjargata 8
Between Consenting Adults
Words
Paul Fontaine
Photo
Alanna Ralph