Reykjavík Grapevine - 08.04.2016, Qupperneq 14

By CIARÁN DALY
Iceland may be one of the safest
countries in the world, but it is
definitely not a safe island.
Since the settlement era, the
history of Iceland is nothing if
not a history of humans trying to
learn from stupid, fatal mistakes
in one of the most inhospitable
lands on the planet. No matter
how hard we try to conquer it—
whether through dam projects,
rope fences, or new roads—this
island will always win. It does not
care about you, your plans, or your
dreams. It is unfuckwithable.
The people who live here are
able to do so only thanks to a rich
tradition of messing up and dying
horribly. Tourists, on the other
hand, have largely not grown up
in a place where people once used
to have bury food under shit in
the hope that they wouldn’t starve
when the winter came to storm
or avalanche its way through their
hovels. For this reason, a lot of
dumb, tragic shit has happened to
visitors during this tourist boom.
With more and more clueless
tourists flooding the countryside
unaccompanied, Icelandic emer-
gency services are finding it hard-
er and harder to keep up. While
there are ongoing improvements
to safety measures being imple-
mented, these have only come
about as a result of a lot of pain,
whoopsies and death.
Let me be clear—fatal accidents
in Iceland are certainly tragedies,
but the vast majority of them also
tend to be the result of some mon-
umentally stupid decisions. Just
weeks ago, thirty people thought
it would be a good idea to climb on
some moving ice floes (!!!) to get a
better look at some seals. Luckily
nobody was hurt—but there’s ig-
norance, and then there’s stupid-
ity, and then there’s climbing on
an iceberg.
This is a dangerous, unforgiv-
ing, and brutal landscape, and
it demands the utmost respect.
With that in mind, let’s take a look
at some important rules that need
to be attended to if you wish to
ensure your corporal existence on
this planet continues beyond your
visit to Iceland.
1. Check conditions before
leaving town
Check before you travel:
Safetravel.is
Road.is
Vedur.is
If, like me, you’re from a country
where the weather does not want
to murder you, you probably don’t
put much faith into weather warn-
ings. A “severe” storm warning
back home rarely turns out to be
more than light drizzle and a bit
of tabloid hysteria. Nobody really
pays attention to the public safety
warnings, because there’s usually
nothing to actually be afraid of.
This is not the case in Iceland.
Just as you shouldn’t touch a
hot plate to find out if it’s switched
on or not, you should never neglect
to check weather and road condi-
tions before embarking. Doing so
could mean setting yourself up for
what will possibly be an extremely
pointless death.
There have been many cases of
tourists driving out into the coun-
tryside throughout the year and
meeting grisly fates—even on the
Ring Road. The Ring Road often
suffers from a lack of traffic bar-
riers, lampposts, and even tarmac
and lanes. The F-roads are even
more rudimentary. You’re at risk
of head-on collision, crashing off-
road, or getting trapped in your
car. (As a side note, driving off-
road in Iceland is illegal and you’re
going to ruin the landscape for ev-
erybody else with your big, dumb
4x4 tracks.)
You might only have three
days in Iceland during your stop-
over, but it doesn’t matter. There
is plenty of stuff to do in Reykja-
vík that doesn’t involve freezing,
starving, suffocating, or collid-
ing yourself to death. (Well, up
to a point.) There are no souvenir
shirts bearing the words “I Went
To Iceland And All I Got Was This
Lousy Casket.” Ensure the condi-
tions are right for your trip and
inform the rescue services of
your whereabouts if you’re plan-
ning to take an F-road. Basically,
check that the big scary monster is
sleeping before you drive straight
into its gaping maw.
2. Read the fucking signs
Important signs:
ÓFÆRÐ / Ófærð
DO NOT PASS
DANGER
So you’ve ignored rule #1 and
you’re out on the road. The weath-
er seems fine to you, and you don’t
know what any fuss could pos-
sibly be about. You carry on until
you reach a giant sign that says
ÓFÆRÐ (impassable), and drive
round it, the sun still shining. Lit-
tle do you know, your good fortune
is diminishing dramatically with
each kilometre travelled.
Ok, you probably don’t speak
Icelandic. The vast majority of
the world doesn’t. However, most
signs have English translations,
and even if they don’t, it doesn’t
take an Icelander to know that road
signs tend to imply something at
least a bit scary and important. If
you see any sign that doesn’t tell
you how far away the next town is,
that sign is probably there for a very
good reason: to keep you safe.
The same goes for natural at-
tractions. If you ignore the cor-
dons or KEEP BACK signs at
Strokkur, you are going to receive
some fun, boiling hot souvenirs
from the heavens in the form of
deep tissue scars, as tourists (and
even children) before you have.
You can expect similarly grue-
some results if you choose to ig-
nore the signage at Gullfoss or in
front of giant floating ice cubes.
Out of the thousands who have
come before you, you are not going
to be the exception to the rule—no
matter how experienced or smart
you think you might be. Listen to
the experts. Read the fucking signs.
Similarly, you should maintain
a healthy suspicion of any awe-
inspiring natural wonder that
doesn’t have any signage. The ma-
jority of Iceland is not designed
as a tourist attraction, nor is it
designed for your safety or con-
venience—which brings us to our
next (and most important) point.
3. Exercise common sense
when confronted with the
forces of nature
“Common sense” includes skills
such as:
- Avoiding fights with millen-
nia-old geographical forma-
tions
- Not climbing on floating things
or walking towards the edge of
large precipices
- Sticking to the path well-
trodden by people who died of
things like cancer and gout,
rather than stupidity
The most important rule when
it comes to not ending up knee-
deep in the shitheap of your own
mortality is, basically, to exercise
common sense.
If you’re trapped in your car
during a storm, if you’ve been
swept offshore by a brutal wave, or
fallen off a rocky and/or icy ledge,
you’ve already sort of crossed the
Rubicon in terms of survival. You
need to avoid that happening in
the first place. You need to exer-
cise some common sense. It is
rarely apparent that something is
dangerous, so it’s up to you to not
put yourself in danger.
You need to remember that you
are a baby here, in the scheme of
things. A big, useless baby. The
difference is that nobody is going
to be there to bail you out when
your stupid baby head thinks it’s
a good idea to jump off the top of
the toy box. Have you ever seen a
baby try to climb over the bars on
its cradle? Have you ever heard of
it ending well? Those bars are on
the cradle for a reason, baby. Exer-
cise caution and stay in your crib.
It’s important to have fun, but
as Grapevine’s HR department
likes to tell us on a regular basis,
fun isn’t fun unless it’s safe fun.
SHARE: gpv.is/dontdie
Top Ten
Most Popular
Accident Spots
In Iceland:
How To Avoid
Death’s Warm
Embrace
1. The roads
Check conditions. Give way.
Keep your headlights on at
all times. Pay attention to the
signs. Watch out for other cars,
people, sheep, and reindeer.
2. Reynisfjara beach
There are lots of great places
to swim in Iceland. This is not
one of them.
3. The ocean in general
This applies not just to Iceland,
but to the ocean in general.
Leave the ocean alone.
Not only is it way better at
swimming than you, it is filled
with monsters and condoms.
4. Jökulsárlon
Icebergs are not your friend.
Don’t try and walk on them.
They will flip you over.
5. Goðafoss
See that giant waterfall?
It’s been eroding the rocks
beneath your feet with water
for centuries. They are icy
and slippery. Stay behind
the cordon.
6. Geysir
Exploding hot water is not your
friend. Stay behind the cordon.
7. The Highlands
Don’t go here, full stop. That is,
unless you’re accompanied by
an experienced local or travel
guide who knows their shit.
A McCandless-style fate
awaits you.
8. Glaciers
Like icebergs, glaciers are
constantly moving—and
melting—pieces of geography.
Do not attempt to beat them
with your feet, your hands, or
your 3-door rental car. They
will always win.
9. Active volcanoes
Have you seen the end of ‘Lord
of the Rings’? That wasn’t a
magical elf volcano. That was
just a giant volcano. There are
lots of those here. They spew
hot jizz out of the ground and
fart toxic gas. Need I say more?
10. The mean streets of
Reykjavík
Do you like having an intact
skeleton? Keep the sidewalk
tomfoolery to a minimum
during winter. Watch your head
for icicles and those damn kids
with their snowballs and beers
and punk music, too.
SAFETY
UNLEASHED:
An Idiot’s
Guide To
Avoiding
Accidents,
Mishaps,
And Certain
Death In
Iceland
Photo by ART BICNICK
The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 4 — 2016
14