Reykjavík Grapevine - 26.08.2016, Side 60

Our summer Saga series has taken us
to Norway and Sweden (and will again)
but has largely skipped all things Dan-
ish. We wouldn’t want our former
colonizers to feel left out (they were
very involved for soooo long after all),
so this issue is going to recap a short
tale pulled from a very long and bor-
ing series of Sagas about Scandinavian
nobility called Heimskringla. While
most Sagas’ authors are unknown,
Heimskringla and the short tales as-
sociated with it were almost certainly
written by Iceland’s medieval literary
monarch himself: Snorri Sturluson.
(Fun fact: “snorri” is also a Swed-
ish slang term for “penis.” Isn’t that
adorable?) He loved making money
and writing books, two activities that
have preoccupied most Icelanders ever
since—although most have to choose
only one of the two.
Third time’s the charm
This tale is about a Dane named Hrói.
He’s got one blue, one black eye, and an
assload of bad luck. He’s mad skilled
at smithing, so he makes tons of dope
shit but when he gets in a boat to try and
sell it, he wrecks it and loses everything.
So what’s a dude to do? Get back on the
horse, or whatever inspiration cliché
you prefer, so he starts all over and
makes more but when he sets off to sell
it, he falls right back off the horse. And
by horse, I mean the ship. And by he, I
mean all of his shit. So he finally decides
to try something else. Kinda.
He goes to the King of Denmark to
try his luck. I mean luck is basically
the only thing that qualifies a king to
lead a whole country, so the guy must
basically piss felix felicis. Hrói offers
to give the king a cut of his profits if
he goes into business with him and
even though the court is all, “nooooo,
don’t doooooo it,” the king has tons of
money and zero fucks, so why not give
the money? His luck outweighs Hrói’s
and this makes them both even richer.
Then Hrói ends the deal and peaces
out to Sweden.
Fool me once
In a sentence I didn’t think I’d ever have
to write, he meets one fugly douchebag
in Sweden. This guy, Helgi, takes him
into a warehouse filled with stuff and
offers to trade it all for Hrói’s stuff and
they agree on a time and place. Hrói
has his stuff delivered but when he ar-
rives a day late to pick up Helgi’s stuff,
the warehouse is empty. Helgi says
that he dragged it all out for Hrói but
since Sweden has a law that men must
protect their stuff from thieves and
Hrói wasn’t present on time to do so,
he considers the deal void and is keep-
ing ALL THE THINGS.
I forgot to mention that Hrói is to-
tally pimped out in fancy clothes with
a fancy belt and knife. As he’s walk-
ing away, he runs into Helgi’s equally
fugly and douchey brother, Þorgill,
who claims that Hrói stole the knife
and belt from him in Normandy. Then
he runs into a one-eyed douche named
Þorir, another brother, who claims
Hrói stole his eye using magic and
that’s why his eyes are mismatched.
What a fucking day, amirite?
Good thing he then runs into some
babe named Sigurbjörg. She’s like,
“Are you Dumbass-Hrói?” and he’s
like, “I used to be Rich-as-Fuck-Hrói
but I guess I’m Dumbass-Hrói now.
Please help me?” She says she doesn’t
think she can help him but she totally
wants to touch his butt, so she offers
to hide him in her room so he can over-
hear what her father, a very wise law-
speaker, suggests. This turns out to be
fighting lies with lies.
An eye for an eye
In court, the three Brothers Douche
claim their bullshit but Hrói’s not
such a dumbass as his name suggests.
He lies about having a brother whom
Þorgill murdered and that’s how he
got the knife. With Þorir, he suggests
they each pop out an eyeball and if they
don’t weigh the same, Þorir must be
lying and of course he refuses.
Finally, against Helgi, he claims
that since he was standing in the
warehouse when he made the deal that
Helgi himself should also be includ-
ed in the property and that he must
therefore be granted to Hrói as a slave.
Sigurbjörg’s dad has Hrói’s back and
the king offers Hrói ALL THE THINGS
and also all three brothers as slaves.
Jackpot! He banishes Helgi and has the
other two killed. Then he marries Sig-
urbjörg, moves back to Denmark, and
lives as Rich-as-Fuck-Hrói richly-as-
fuck ever after.
SHARE: gpv.is/saga15
Morals of the story:
1. Try to be on time
2. Capitalism is trickery
S01E16:
The Tale of
Dumbass-Hrói
SAGA RECAP
WORDS OF INTEREST
Words GRAYSON DEL FARO
Art INGA MARIA BRYNJARS DÓTTIR
The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 13 — 2016
60
The Secret
Cheese
If you’ve been to Iceland, or live there, chances are you’ve
probably had “skyr.” It’s a popular treat and you can find
many flavours and variations, including a drinkable ver-
sion. “Skyr” is often mistaken for yogurt, which is under-
standable, given its commercially sweetened flavour and
frequent appearance at the breakfast table. But, if we’re go-
ing to get technical about it, skyr is actually a cheese.
It was brought to Iceland from Norway over a thousand
years ago, and, back in those days, it was made with sheep’s
milk. Today it’s made with cow’s milk (still, it’s pretty au-
thentic, since Iceland does not import livestock, and the
cows that make milk in Iceland today are direct descen-
dants of the cows that made milk for the Vikings many cen-
turies ago). It takes four cups of milk to make a single cup of
skyr, which explains why skyr has such a thick consistency.
As you can imagine, it’s a great source of protein.
Like Greek yogurt, skyr lends itself generously to a num-
ber of culinary uses, including mousses, muffins, breads,
dips, smoothies, and soups. Here’s a recipe for “skyrkaka,”
or “skyr cake,” that I learned from my friend David (who
learned from his friend Brynja). It’s not traditional by any
means (it calls for cherry pie filling, which is possibly the
most American of all pie fillings) but it’s impossible to mess
up, and tastes like a party.
Ingredients:
1 package crispy chocolate chip cookies
2 cups heavy cream
2 cups vanilla skyr
1 can cherry pie filling, or other fruit compote
Recipe:
Step 1. Crush chocolate chips with Viking might until they
resemble coarse gravel
Step 2. Lay cookie crumble to rest on cake pan or pie dish
and spread to make an even layer.
Step 3. Whip heavy cream with mixer until stiff peaks form.
Step 4. Stir in skyr.
Step 5. Pour cream/skyr mixture into cake pan and spread
cherry pie filling on top.
Step 6. Cover and refrigerate overnight, unless impatient
and hungry in which case just leave it in there for a few
hours and eat goopy cake.
In Kraum you will find carefully
selected products from over 100
Icelandic designers
Kraum
Bankastræti 7 (entrance of Cintamani)
101 Reykjavik
(+354) 517-7797
www.kraum.is
Welcome to our new location in Bankastræti 7!