Reykjavík Grapevine - 16.06.2017, Qupperneq 28

The
Men
What do men think? While Car-
rie Bradshaw spent six HBO
seasons desperately searching
for the answer, The Grapevine
went straight to the source,
and to explore the masculine
side of Iceland’s sex and re-
lationship scene, we picked
five very different males to
anonymously tell us the real-
real. Some were romantics,
others players. Some Read at
your own risk, but know that all
names have been changed as
have ages and any identifying
details have been taken out.
Just try and find out who these
people are, we dare you.
The Panel:
Fannar: 19, Icelandic,
Straight, Single
Gísli: 21, Icelandic,
Straight, In a Relationship
Jón: 27, Icelandic,
Straight, Single
Liam: 33, Foreign,
Gay, “Dating someone but I
don’t want to put labels on it”
Sigurður: 36, Icelandic,
Straight, Single
Jón: The stereotype of Icelandic
relationships is that people meet
up downtown, get drunk, hook up,
then sort of fall into a relationship
almost accidentally.
Liam: Yeah, but Icelandic people
are terrible at confrontation. So
let’s say you have two Icelanders
who meet at B5. They go home to-
gether and they keep doing it for
like four months. Do you find that
people end up being in a relation-
ship without having that conver-
sation, because they’re too afraid
to?
Jón: Definitely. I haven’t, but I
know people who have. Like they
decide to move in together be-
cause it’s easier, but they’ve never
said “We’re in a relationship.”
Gísli: That is the typical stuck-in-
Iceland person. The guy who never
leaves the country.
Sigurður: It’s never happened
to me. I never ease into relation-
ships, but I guess I’m a hopeless
romantic—or just sick maybe. I
fall in love early and get hooked.
Gísli: Well, we’re right between
European and American culture.
So we have people that grow up
with American romantic culture
and these people that have more
European ideas. Icelandic culture
is awkwardly in the middle.
Sigurður: We don’t learn much
about sex here when we are young.
At least, I don’t remember any-
thing. Nothing in school. Pre-in-
ternet, I remember learning about
sex mostly from my friend’s Dan-
ish porn magazines.
Fannar: Actually my Icelandic
teacher was in the first Icelandic
porn movie made here! Everyone
in school watched it, but I didn’t.
Anyway, I remember learning,
“Porn is not real sex.” My dad told
me at 14, “If you’re gonna have
sex, have sex, but use a condom.”
That’s all.
Liam: Well, you’re Icelandic so I
am going to guess you didn’t. You
people have a weird relationship
with protected sex.
Fannar: Condoms are expensive!
No, I’m joking. I don’t know. My
girlfriend got pregnant twice and
another time a one night stand
called me like, “I’m pregnant.”
So I have dodged the bullet three
times. To be real, I don’t know why
people don’t use condoms here—
but they really don’t.
Gísli: That’s exactly why we are
the chlamydia capital of the world.
My friend actually just got it in his
eye. He was going down on a girl
and, I know, right? But how many
of your friends have had it?
Jón: I don’t even know man.
Fannar: A lot. It’s weirdly not re-
ally considered a big deal here.
People just take the pills.
Liam: “The Reykjavík handshake.”
But the condom thing is worse in
the gay community. People act like
HIV doesn’t exist. They say, “Oh,
but we live in Iceland!” On that
note, I got crabs last year actually.
Fannar: That’s pretty old school.
Gísli: The first time I had sex
with an Icelandic girl without a
condom, I pulled out, and I swear
she had never seen that done be-
fore. She was really shocked. I was
like, “You were just expecting me
to impregnate you?” Then I found
out she wasn’t on the pill or trying
to have a kid, so I just don’t get it.
Jón: I’ve never really seen this.
All my friends use condoms. But
I guess the whole scene here re-
volves around drunk hookups, so
that means unprotected sex.
Liam: Okay, are you taught that
incest is bad, or is it ignored?
‘Cause your entire population
dwindled down to 6,000 people
not that long ago. I have a friend
who told me he took MDMA last
week and made out with three of
his cousins at a party. I mean, I
have a hot gay cousin and I would
have made out with him, but never
before I moved to Iceland. This
place has changed me.
Gísli: I hate to be the guy to break
it to you but I don’t think anyone
in this room has made out with
their cousins.
Fannar: It happens by accident.
I’ve heard many stories. Once my
homie had sex with a girl and then
went to a family party—
Everyone: Oh god.
Fannar: She was his second cous-
in.
Sigurður: I knew quite young
what was illegal and what was
not. You learn really young, I don’t
know why. It’s not really some-
thing that happens often.
Jón: First cousin is incest. Second
cousin is incest.
Sigurður: Third cousin is legal.
Jón: It’s a moral grey area.
Sigurður: I really considered do-
ing something with this girl re-
cently but I was in a relationship
with her sister for two years—not
biologically related. That’s not
incest, but that stuff is bound to
happen. You’re dating a girl that
your best friend dated a few years
ago, or the opposite.
Gísli: These are typical Icelandic
situations. You gotta learn to be
mature about it as fast as possible
or else you are going to have a ter-
rible fucking life here.
Liam: Dating in this country is
even smaller if you are gay though.
Two percent of every developed
country identify as gay men, so
that’s 6,000 in Iceland. 6,000! I
probably know all of them. You
can’t walk down the stairs of Kiki
with a guy or everyone thinks
you’re fucking him. It’s mouth
to dick tabloid news. But I think
many in the gay scene are quite
miserable. All Icelandic gay men
grew up together so they’ve been
fucking each other senseless for
twenty years. They don’t want
to date each other so they move
abroad, find a foreigner, and bring
them back to the mothership.
Fannar: That’s something that
is imprinted in Icelandic people:
Stay in Iceland.
Gísli: Okay, I am going to bring
this up. Icelandic women take
it very poorly when they are re-
jected. They sometimes get vio-
lent. Right? This happens. I got
punched in the face when I reject-
ed my friend.
Jón: Yes! It is so true. If you just
politely just say no, she will call
you names. You are rude for not
wanting to go home with me! It’s
just assumed you want to.
Gísli: I once turned down a girl
and she just called me a faggot. A
faggot! Jesus.
Fannar: Yes, when you want to
turn down Icelandic women, you
have to turn them down easy so
they won’t go spreading shit. They
don’t take it well.
Sigurður: I haven’t experienced it
so aggressively, but they don’t take
hints that show I’m not into you.
They keep at it, and at it, and at
it. It’s hard right now because I’m
really just looking for a partner.
I don’t want someone too young,
foreign and no kids. It’s hard when
someone doesn’t tell you they have
kids. That’s a rule for me.
Fannar: Do they expect to hear,
“Wow, I’ve always wanted to be
a dad!”? Like let’s say you’re with
them for three years and this kid
starts to know you, then you break
up, then what are you to him? He
knows you.
Liam: Well, I now live in a coun-
try where I could have children.
I never imagined in my entire
life I would be allowed to, so now
I am trying to figure out how I
feel. But my summing up of the
gay scene in this country, in one
word, would be “depressing.” It’s
a beautiful country to move to if
you want to find yourself, but if
you’re a gay person looking for a
husband, don’t move here.
Sigurður: It’s hard. I mean, I just
started on Tinder. I’ve been on two
dates and those are the first I‘ve
been on in fourteen years. It’s so
weird. We don’t really go on dates
here, so I am bad at it. I find it so
funny and so cute. I become like a
teenager. We went for a coffee and
a talk, and then the next one we
just hooked up downtown and had
sex. The Icelandic way. Half a date
and half an Icelandic date.
Jón: Dates just feel unnatural.
Fannar: On the date you don’t
usually hook up. The hookup hap-
pens the next day when you pick
up your phone at 2am and you see
a slurred text or seven Facebook
calls in a row and that’s the make
or break point. That’s Icelandic re-
lationships.
The
Women
All names have been changed
as have ages and any identify-
ing details have been taken out.
The Panel:
Guðrun: 31, Icelandic,
Straight, Single
Anna: 29, Icelandic,
Straight, “It’s complicated”
Kristin: 35, Icelandic,
Straight, Married
Ásdis: 20, Icelandic,
Straight, Single
Marissa: 24, Icelandic,
Straight, Single
Ásdis: I met my last boyfriend at
3am at Paloma. I went up to him
and grinded on him from behind.
Then we went home and fucked.
Marissa: That’s such a typical
“Icelandic first date.”
Kristín: Yes, but I think it’s im-
portant to go to bed with someone
as soon as possible because you
need to test drive, you know? Are
you good in bed together? Then
you can decide if you want to do
more. Alcohol is always involved,
without exception, I think. If it
isn’t that’s quite rare.
Anna: Even my low-key friends—
with perfect childhoods and no
daddy issues—go downtown,
meet someone for the first time,
sleep with them, and then wait for
them to call.
Guðrun: I was raised Catholic so
I lost my virginity very late, and I
was with the same man for seven
years after that, so I feel young
in the dating scene. If I really
like them, I don’t fuck them right
away, which is not how people
work in Reykjavík. But if I toler-
ate them and think they are sexy
that’s when I do the one night
stand thing. Drunk hookups are
the worst though. No one is able to
fuck properly.
Anna: And then drugs and alcohol
come in, with the “I can’t cum, I’m
too drunk.” And I’m like huh, I’m
a girl, I totally can’t relate to sex
being unfulfilling. Like I was with
Arnar—
Marissa: —Wait, him? I’ve slept
with him. You slept with him?
Guðrun: I didn’t sleep with him. I
would like to sleep with him.
Marissa: Wait, did you sleep with
him?
Anna: He’s my cousin so no I did
not fuck my cousin.
Ásdis: There we go. This is Ice-
land.
Marissa: It’s just a small town so
no matter what happens you will
see this person every week for the
rest of your life.
Guðrun: Yeah I mean, imagine,
you're seeing someone, and maybe
three years ago he was living with
your friend, raising her babies,
and now you are sleeping with
him. It doesn’t even matter if she’s
married now, you still feel kind of
evil.
Anna: All exes become gay in my
eyes after we break up. That’s how
I deal with it.
Kristín: In my workplace, every-
one could name maybe three co-
workers they have slept or made
out with. It’s like that everywhere
you go, though.
Guðrun: The other day, my friend
asked me if I minded that she start
dating this guy that I had been
sleeping with and had feelings for.
I was like, “SURE. THAT’S COOL.
OF COURSE: THAT’S SO COOL.”
And then they were making out
in front of me and I was like, “Oh
shit, this is not cool.”
Kristín: Everyone should have
two to three vetoes in Iceland.
Some guys just mean something
to you, so you just don’t want your
best friend in the mix. Or your lit-
tle sister. Or your mother.
Ásdis: I was in a domestic rela-
tionship when I was nineteen—it
was quite abusive—and I recently
found out that my best friend was
sleeping with him after we broke
up. It’s fucked up and we don’t
speak anymore.
Marissa: Having that even be a
possibility is only in Iceland. I
have those guys where it’s like, “I
don’t give a shit if you two are in
love, you can’t hook up with him.”
And friends have respected that,
and other friends haven’t, and
that’s a make or break thing.
Guðrun: And in Iceland, you can’t
take that shit back. It’s so small
that you probably aren’t going
to make completely new friends
again. When people get divorced
and if there’s a third party in-
volved, everyone knows, and no
matter what the issue, you will al-
ways see them at parties and bars
or any other public occasion.
Marissa: But you married a for-
eigner, Kristín, how different was
that?
Kristín: Simple. All of you, I could
make one phone call, “Who is this
“Everyone is looking for a best friend
who they like fucking. Someone who
will be like, ‘Want to eat this burrito
with me?’ Sure. ‘Want to go down on
me?’ Sure.”
“That’s exactly why we are the
chlamydia capital of the world. My
friend actually just got it in his eye.
He was going down on a girl and, I
know, right?”
“I could make one
phone call, ask
‘Who is this girl?’
and I'd get your
whole life story.”
“Airbnb is
ruining Icelandic
relationships.”
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