Reykjavík Grapevine - 30.06.2017, Blaðsíða 68

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Creating the Self

Finnur Jónsson
Gunnlaugur Scheving
Jóhann Briem
Jóhannes Kjarval
Jón Engilberts
Jón Stefánsson
Muggur
Snorri Arinbjarnar
Foreign
Installation by Tinna Ottesen
̶ expressionism
in Icelandic paintings 1915-1945
SAGA RECAP
The Saga of Bosi
and Herrauður
Words: Grayson Del Faro Illustration: Inga María Brynjarsdóttir
One thing you should know about
the Icelandic sagas is that some
of them are not only sexually
charged, they’re utterly fucking
pornographic. And equally pun-
ographic. There’s no other way to
prepare you for what you’re about
to read, so let’s just get it on with
the Saga of Bosi and Herrauður.
Getting hard
As with any porn, there is an awk-
wardly long and formulaic intro-
duction sequence. (“Did anybody
order a pizza?”) And as with any
porn, we’re just gonna skip that.
Basically Bosi and Herrauður are
on a quest to find some magical
vulture’s egg so the king, Her-
rauður’s father, will pardon Bosi
for some shitty thing he did. They
wander into some farmer’s house
in the woods of Permia, now Perm
in Russia, where they’re treated to
nice ale with the farmer’s family,
including his attractive daughter.
See where this is going?
After everyone is asleep, Bosi
sneaks to the daughter’s bed. Nor-
mally at these points, the sagas say
something like “and they enjoyed
themselves” and I then translate
that as “they boned their brains
out” or something similar. But this
one really has to speak for itself, so
I’ll just quote the published Eng-
lish translation wholesale:
“‘What do you want to do here?’
she said. ‘I want to temper my war-
rior,’ said Bosi. […] He gave her a
gold ring and got into bed beside
her. She asked him where the war-
rior was, and he told her to feel
between his legs, but she pulled
her hand back and said he could
keep his warrior and asked why he
was carrying a monster like that
on him, as hard as a tree. He told
her the warrior would soften in
the dark hole, and then she said
he could do anything he wanted.
So now he set the warrior between
her legs. The path before him was
rather narrow, and yet he managed
to complete his mission.”
Getting wet
I wasn’t kidding. So basically they
keep at it, during which he asks her
where they can find this vulture’s
egg and she tells him all about how
Hleiður, a noble king’s sister, has
been kidnapped by an evil priest-
ess whose temple is guarded by a
vulture. So Bosi and Herrauður
kil l the slave of
the temple, shove
a spear up his ass
and use him as
bait to spear the
vulture through
the face. Then they
kill the priestess,
take the egg, and
resc ue H leiður,
w h o a g r e e s t o
marry Herrauður.
Unlucky for him,
her brother has
already given her
hand away in mar-
riage to someone
else.
I n o r d e r t o
make a plan to res-
cue her, Bosi has to
do a little recon-
naissance in Per-
mia. So he drops in
on another farm-
er’s daughter. This
time, however, it’s
his “horse” than
needs to “drink” in
her “well.” She’s skeptical that his
horse can handle a “well” like hers,
but consents anyway. Eventually
she asks where all the fluids in the
bed had come from, wondering if
maybe his “horse” drank too much
and puked it back up. She com-
ments that she’s never ridden such
a good-tempered “horse” before
asking Bosi who he is, thus prov-
ing that Nordic dating culture has
not changed in basically 700 years.
Getting off
So she gives him the information
he need to hatch a plan to save
Hleiður from her wedding. This in-
volves Bosi and Herrauður killing
two men attending the wedding,
skinning them, sneaking in wear-
ing their faces, and smuggling
Hleiður out inside a giant harp,
because apparently that’s incon-
spicuous. As they flee, Bosi says
he has some important business
to attend to on the way. You know,
in Permia.
So Bosi and Herrauður just pop
into another farmer’s house. That
night, Bosi asks the daughter to put
a “ring” on his “stump.” He offers
to “plug” her “bunghole,” thrusting
so deeply that she can feel it in her
ribs. She is shocked
and he offers to pull
out, but she says she
liked it “as much
as a fresh drink of
mead.” She asks him
to keep going and he
does until she feels
too hot, when she
asks him to stop.
And he does! Take
note, bitches. Dur-
ing their break, she
tells him how he can
abduct the princess
of Permia, which he
immediately does
and then convinces
her to marry him.
Then there is
a big stupid battle
with Hleiður’s rival
suitors who turn
into giant bulls and
dragons and shit,
which of course Bosi
and Herrauður win
anyway. Then they
each marry their
princesses and become kings and
spend the rest of their days tem-
pering their horses or watering
their bungholes or whatever for-
ever. Yes, their bungholes.
68 The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 11 — 2017
Morals of the
story:
1. Sex. Lots of
sex.

2. Well, no-
body did or-
der that pizza
but I’m sure
someone here
would be will-
ing to pay for
it somehow.