Reykjavík Grapevine - 20.10.2017, Page 10

After a historic hometown victory that
saw Iceland smite Kosovo within an inch
of their lives, the Icelandic national men’s
football team has now progressed to their
first ever World Cup finals. The tourna-
ment will be held in Russia in 2018, and
the eyes of the footballing world are once
more on Iceland. We thought it would be
wise to consult the various spirits, ora-
cles, witches, animals, decks of mysteri-
ous cards, omens, entrails, tea leaves,
necropants, and The Grapevine Magic
8-Ball, to find out what the gods
have in store for the Icelan-
dic horde. Here’s what
we’ve uncovered so
far.
1. Solla The
Strange
Despite being a
mysterious völ-
va who lives in
a hut in the foot-
hills of Langjökull,
Solla The Strange
does keep a Nokia 3310
handy in case of emergen-
cy. We sent her a text to see what
visions she’s had since our vicious, ri-
otous smashing of the Kosovan tribe.
Solla texted back an hour later, saying
she’d ventured outdoors to look into a
pool of clear glacial meltwater. As she
sank into a trance, it clouded over, and
she was taken to a dark room where a
squat, misshapen dwarf-like figure sat
with his head clasped in his hands. It’s
only speculation, but we interpret this as
a vision of Wayne Rooney. Will Iceland
once again face the prancing millionaire
manboys of England on the field of war?
Time will tell.
2. The Entrails
We asked our interns to
dismember a chicken in
order to read its entrails
for a glimpse of our foot-
balling future. After a
gruesome half hour of
searching, the chicken’s
liver was located. Our in-
terns compared it to an
entrail-reading chart
we bought on
eBay, but they were a) nau-
seous, b) visibly shaken,
and c) thus unable to
divine the future. It
also made a real
mess in the office—
we’ll designate a
formal entrails-
reading area next
time, rather than
using our graphic
designer’s desk. Also,
the interns are new to
this, having mostly studied
journalism and not witchcraft,
anatomy or divination, so we’ll give them
some time to study before trying again.

3. Peter The Puffin
Peter the Puffin, the Icelandic team’s
“lucky charm,” is rumoured to issue ad-
vice on a full moon. With the full moon in
Aries having just passed, Peter apparently
squawked into Heimir Hallgrímsson’s ear:
“The joining of Mars and Venus around
this full moon will help you to believe in
yourself, and achieve your goals.” Heimir
asked: “To achieve… goals?” Peter did not
reply, having already lost his ability to
speak in the human tongue. The next full
moon is November 4th,
so stay tuned for more
sage astrological puffin
wisdom.
4. The Elves
We contacted Magnús The
Medium to see if he’d been
in touch with the Elven
parliament lately. He in-
formed us that he’s due for
a pilgrimage there in the coming weeks, but
his main correspondent is currently on sick
leave, so he doesn’t yet have an appoint-
ment—but when he gets one, he’ll ask what
the word is about our World Cup chances.
5. The Grapevine Magic
8-Ball
We asked the Grapevine Magic 8-Ball:
“Will our brave clansmen fulfil their pro-
phetic destiny and carry home the World
Cup from the frozen wasteland of Rus-
sia?” It replied: “It’s certain.”
So, as you can see, the signs so far are
positive, but inconclusive, with much
still to be learned. Follow our Twitter at
@rvkgrapevine for further updates.
Words:
John Rogers
Illustration:
Lóa Hlín
Hjálmtýsdóttir
Photo cribbed
from Dagur
Hjartarson's
Twitter
Smite The World
We consulted the oracles and entrails
about Iceland’s World Cup destiny
PREDICTIONS
Solla, a puffin, interns scouring entrails and a sick elf. A normal day.
#IcelandSmites 10 The Reykjavík GrapevineIssue 19 — 2017
Aron
“The Annihilator”
Einar Malmquist
Gunnarsson
Age: 28
Hometown: Akureyri
Position: Midfield
Club: Cardiff FC
Special Skills: Long throws, the
“Viking clap,” screaming, raiding,
beheading
Nicknames: Aron The Annihilator,
Father Of Destruction, The Terrify-
ing Maimer, The Ronaldo Ruiner, The
Bearded Beheader, Big A
For many, Aron “The Annihilator” Gun-
narsson is the face of the Icelandic
national football team. A dogged,
ever-committed midfielder with an
end-to-end style, the team’s cap-
tain excels in crunching tackles and
mighty long throws. Despite having
only scored two goals at interna-
tional level, he is a totemic midfield
presence that drives the team for-
ward with boundless grit and deter-
mination. Aron is also the ringleader
of the famous “Viking clap,” which
is a victory ritual, and not a virulent
venereal disease.
After rising rapidly through the
ranks of the youth system, he be-
came the permanent captain of the
side in 2012, and has spent time play-
ing at Coventry City and then Cardiff
City in the UK. Under his leadership,
Iceland qualified for their first Euro-
pean Cup playoffs, and then the fi-
nals, where they famously beat Eng-
land before going out against the
host, France. In 2017, Aron captained
Iceland into their first ever World Cup
finals.
It is rumoured that Aron’s beard
length is directly connected to the
fortune of his side, so we’re pleased
to see him growing back his facial
coif ahead of Iceland’s foray into the
World Cup. During the Euro Cup 2016,
he unleashed a robust challenge
on Cristiano Ronaldo, who refused
to swap shirts with him at the final
whistle, forever cementing Aron’s
place in the hearts of football fans
worldwide. JR
PLAYER PROFILES
“After a
gruesome
half hour of
searching, the
chicken’s liver
was located.”
Lækjargata 8, tel: 5460006