Reykjavík Grapevine - 20.10.2017, Qupperneq 16

16 The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 19 — 2017
Grapevine’s
Political
Horoscope
Let the stars show you your new opinions
Words: Paul Fontaine Illustrations: Ananaline
We at Grapevine pride ourselves on being on the cutting edge
of analysis and the scientific method. In keeping with this, we
offer for you this definitive political horoscope to help you nav-
igate your way through the political landscape. What should
you care about, what should you dismiss, where should you
stand? Don’t consider the issues; consider your birthday.
Libra (September
23-October 22): You’re
the kind of centrist who
sincerely believes in the
Horseshoe Theory. You
believe that any extreme
is bad, and the truth is
always in the middle. As
such, you should probably
vote for any vaguely mid-
dle-of-the-road party that
offers non-ideas like “com-
promise” and “harmony.”
Scorpio (October
23-November 21): For
you, there is literally no
other gauge for how vi-
able a candidate is than
how attractive and
charming they are. Issues
don’t matter; sex appeal
does. You’ll end up voting
for whichever candidate
you last fantasized about
during one of your many
ill-advised hookups.
Sagittarius (Novem-
ber 22-December 21):
Politics is supposed to
be fun, all the time, and
that’s what draws you
to any particular party.
What’s an indexed loan?
Who gives a shit? You just
want to be entertained,
and your ballot will go to
whoever amuses you the
most.
Capricorn (December
22-January 19): A cold,
calculating Machiavel-
lian such as yourself has
only one question when it
comes to who to vote for:
what’s in it for me? Look
at which parties are ap-
pealing to the topics that
matter to you directly.
Disregard everyone else.
Aquarius (January
20-February 18): For
you, dearest water-
bearer, politics is dead
boring. Whatever forces
are at work shaping the
functions of society sim-
ply don’t appear on your
radar. You can sit out the
elections. No one will
blame you.
Pisces (February 19 to
March 20): Literally no
party is going to be good
enough for you. Your tow-
ering idealism cannot
even be approached by
any conventional politi-
cal party. Your best bet is
to stick to attending pro-
tests and writing scath-
ing political screeds for
Medium.
Aries (March 21-April
19): You think leftism
means having ideals, but
then compromising them
for the right wing because
you don’t want to alienate
anyone. Change is fine, so
long as it’s watered down
to the point where no one
can object because no
one knows what it means
anymore. Cast your vote
just one nanometer left of
centre.
Taurus (April 20-May
20): You know who ELSE
was a Taurus? Yeah we
see right through you.
Just be honest about be-
ing a literal fascist for a
change.
Gemini (May 21-June
20): No one really knows
where you stand because
you’re just too good at
seeing other people’s
points of view. Your opin-
ions change easily when
presented with a halfway
cogent argument. You’ll
end up voting for what-
ever was the last party’s
logo you saw on your way
to the polls.
Cancer (June 21-July
22): You will spend 20
minutes in the voting
booth, pencil in trem-
bling hand, questioning
every decision you could
possibly make at this mo-
ment. None of them will
be good enough. You’ll
end up closing your eyes
and drawing an X on some
random place on the bal-
lot. It will not be counted.
Leo (July 23-August
22): Old school leftists
like you will tell anyone
who will listen how the
left is a hollow shell of
what it used to be. And
then you’ll vote for which-
ever leftist party is most
likely to get the most
votes anyway.
Virgo (August 23-Sep-
tember 22): After you’ve
put down Morgunblaðið
and put on your best
tweed jacket, you’ll get
in your SUV and drive to
the polls, cursing under
your breath about George
Soros. Then you’ll decide
that all politicians are paid
shills of the international-
ist agenda, and head in-
stead to the nearest bar to
drink yourself numb.
Future Imperfect:
Our Possible
Ruling
Coalitions
The options are simultaneously greater and fewer
Words: Paul Fontaine
Maybe you can’t vote in Iceland’s up-
coming elections, but you still pay
taxes. Or you’re just genuinely curi-
ous about which way the country will
go. In either case, you should still con-
sider the possible ruling coalitions
we could get after all the ballots are
counted. These possibilities are based
on current polling, so things may
change drastically, and votes may not
necessarily reflect the polls to the first
decimal place. We can, however, make
estimates within a reasonable margin
of error, so let’s take a look at what we
could get:
1. Leftist-Greens, Social Democrats
and the Pirates.
Why?: The Leftist-Greens are polling
the strongest. They’ve been in a coali-
tion with the Social Democrats before,
and while the Pirates don’t like to de-
scribe themselves as left or right, their
platform is arguably leftist.
Why not?: The Leftist-Greens have
a long-standing distrust, at best, for
the Pirates. The Pirates have also been
fiercely supportive of a new constitu-
tion, while the Leftist-Greens and So-
cial Democrats have been more reluc-
tant. That said, recent polling showing
the vast majority of voters for all these
parties want a new constitution this
term may change that.
Chances: Very high.
2. Leftist-Greens, Social Democrats,
and the Reform Party.
Why?: Has the same number of seats
as the previous configuration, only
without the Pirates.
Why not?: The Reform Party is semi
right wing, which would be unappeal-
ing to the Leftist-Greens (the Social
Democrats have partnered with con-
servatives before), and the Reform
Party's close ties to the Independence
Party may make them very unappeal-
ing to either of the other two parties.
Chances: Moderate at best.
3. Leftist-Greens and the Indepen-
dence Party.
Why?: They’re the two strongest-poll-
ing parties right now, and the only two
who could form a two-party coalition.
Why not?: They are so diametrically
opposed to one another on the issues
that one of them would need to change
into the other in order for them to cre-
ate a joint platform.
Chances: Nigh impossible.
4. Independence Party, the Reform
Party, the Progressive Party and the
Centre Party.
Why?: They’re close enough to one an-
other on the issues, and some of them
have worked together before.
Why not?: Icelanders barely accept
three-party coalitions and, based on
current polling, these four parties do
not comprise enough seats to form a
ruling coalition.
Chances: Very low.

Neither Bright Future nor the Peoples'
Party were included in this section be-
cause neither of these parties are cur-
rently polling high enough to win a seat.
As can be seen, the chances of a right
wing government after the elections
is pretty low, by virtue of the plethora
of right wing parties to choose from.
Meanwhile, the three parliamentary
leftist parties don’t have any real con-
tenders. As such, the left wing looks set
to lead the next government almost by
default. However, we should be care-
ful about polls. Remember how well
the Pirates were polling in 2016? If last
year’s elections taught us anything, it’s
to keep your cool and don’t rule out
anything.
“We should be
careful about
polls. Remember
how well the
Pirates were
polling in 2016?”
The Election Section aka Groundhog Day 2017 aka Edge of (no)
Tomorrow aka 50 First Polls aka History Repeating aka Please Turn
The Record Over aka I'm suuuure we'll learn from it this time aka
Elections 2017
aka just try to get it right this time, okay?
Iceland's political landscape is ever-shifting in terms of new parties and
voters that rove from party to party, but at the same time the same top-
ics, problems and scandals crop up over and over again. To help you
make sense of it all, we offer a few vantage points. Our election cov-
erage is a mixture of comedy, analysis and theater, because frankly,
it's hard to understand this farce and impossible to take it seriously.