Reykjavík Grapevine - 13.07.2018, Qupperneq 64

64 The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 12 — 2018
Notoriously relevant rockers Guns
N’ Roses will be welcoming Reyk-
javík to their aural jungle on July
24th. The concert will be Iceland’s
biggest concert ever—take that Jus-
tin Bieber—and ticket prices range
between 30,000 ISK and 88,000
ISK ($280 to $822). At the time of
this writing, there are only 24 left
according to the ticket selling web-
site. Sweet Jesus (O’ Mine)!
Based on the infamous nature of
Guns N’ Roses fans, we assume it’ll
most definitely be a riotous repeat
of Montreal ‘92, with Icelanders
tearing down Laugardalsvöllur
and looting Laugardalur. Hey, the
grass is green there and the girls
are pretty.
That was all a joke. None of that
will happen as the fans of this band
are now over 50 and will only be at
the concert as they got a babysitter
for the night so they could drive up
from Seltjarnarnes and get shit-
faced. Earplugs will be ubiquitous.
The strongest drug in the vicinity
will be Lipitor. Talks will probably
centre around the upcoming Billy
Idol concert.
That said, we’re happy Iceland-
ers have something to smile about
during this miserable summer.
And to be helpful, we’ve compiled
a list of similarly cool and contem-
porary bands that should retire...
oops, we mean also play in Iceland.
Bon Jovi
In 1987, Axl Rose punched a fan in
the face after the fan told Axl he
looked like Bon Jovi. Afterwards,
Rose was quoted as saying, “Bon
Jovi can suck my dick.”
In Iceland, as you know, we’re
all about justice. Remember how
we jailed our bankers? That means
we’re pretty much required to give
Bon Jovi a chance to serve up a big-
ger and better show than the Roses.
After this sure-to-be-lit produc-
tion, Axl will hope he’s compared
to Mr. Jovi!
Moreover, Bon Jovi’s last Bill-
board topping hit was in 1989. That
was practically yesterday! Go to
karaoke bars around Reykjavík and
you’re guaranteed to here a slaugh-
tering of ‘You Give Love A Bad
Name’. Tickets like this are sure to
sell for five times the price of GNR’s
stubs.
Grateful Dead
Didn’t Grateful Dead officially stop
playing together after Jerry died,
I hear you say? Well, you’re clearly
an idiot because the band plays all
the time now as Dead & Company.
Shake my head, you call yourself a
Deadhead?
While Dead & Company only
technically has two original Dead
members—drummer Mickey Hart
only joined in 1967, which practi-
cally makes him a guest
performer—they teamed
up with John motherfuck-
ing Mayer in 2015 to form
this totally hip shebang.
That’s right, Grateful Dead
and John motherfucking
Mayer? What could possi-
bly be more hip, relevant, or cool?
While headliners like Stormzy
and Die Antwoord have gotten the
youngins’ rockin at past Icelandic
festivals, we know what they really
need is a 15-minute long instru-
mental. C’mon, in Iceland mush-
rooms grow in traffic circles. This
is basically the Deadhead Mecca.
Ted Nugent
When you think about important
musicians of the modern day, the
obvious one that comes to mind
is Ted Nugent. The fantastically
talented and innovative visionary
is, in the Grapevine office, often
compared to Mozart. This mind-
blowing intellectual is the author
of such penetrating lyrics as, “I
got you in a stranglehold baby, last
night I crushed your face.” We’re
even embarrassed he’s mentioned
in the same article as Guns N’
Roses, Bon Jovi, or Grateful Dead.
He’s clearly on a completely differ-
ent level!
While you might think the only
reason his name is still broached
in society is due to his connection
with the President of the United
States and for advocating the use
of violence against opponents of
gun control, that is so not true! All
over the world he is celebrated for
his contributions to music and for
calling Barack Obama a “subhuman
mongrel.”
In the future, he will definitely
be pinned next to Jimi Hendrix and
Prince, so the fact that he has not
played in Iceland is an obvious at-
tack on our human rights.
Rob Zombie
Remember hits such as ‘Dragula’
and ‘Living Dead Girl’? Neither do
we!
Just kidding, everyone knows
there’s nothing cooler than shock
rock in this world of lo-fi trap
and ethereal indie. Rob Zombie
still graces the playlists of
hipsters everywhere and,
as he’s currently touring
with Marilyn Manson, we
propose they join up with
Nine Inch Nails, Korn, and
P.O.D. to just go the whole
spooky nine yards. Trust
us, everywhere from Kaffibarinn to
Prikið is bumpin’ ‘Superbeast’.
If this concert isn’t a massive
profit for Iceland, we will close this
paper down, mark our words.
Knock Knock
Knockin’ On
Reykjavík’s Door
Also bands that should retire
Words: Hannah Jane Cohen Photo: Wikimedia Commons
Now we know the inspiration for 'Living Dead Girl' right?
“Bon
Jovi can
suck my
dick.”
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