Reykjavík Grapevine - 04.05.2018, Blaðsíða 10

As Russia sits buried under unseason-
ably heavy snow, Iceland’s marauding
attackers are battling injury as the World
Cup approaches. At the same time,
Argentina players are resigning the
national team to avoid facing Iceland.
Here’s the latest news from Camp Smite.
Alfreð the indestructible
Despite being laid low with a terrible
wound to his calf this January, Iceland
striker Alfreð Finnbogason returned
this month and went straight back
into the breach. Playing for FC Augs-
burg in the top German division, he
scored a 90th-minute belter to seal a
2-0 win over Mainz. During Alfreð’s
absence the club managed to win
only two games, and despite spend-
ing four months in the healing tent,
he remains their top scorer, netting
12 times this season. Some high-grade
badassery, we think you’ll agree. JR
Aron scores a screamer
Not one to be upstaged, Icelandic
captain Aron Gunnarsson also returned
from injury to smash home a spectac-
ular rocket that boosted Cardiff FC’s
chances of Premier League promotion.
T h e 7 5 t h - m i n u t e
stunner came when
the ball bounced to
Aron after a goal-
mouth scramble; he
leapt like a breaching
whale and scythed
it emphatically into
the net. In Cardiff ’s
next game, Aron was
subbed off after ten
minutes after again
injuring himself, and will now undergo
knee surgery. “I’m told if everything
goes well I have a good chance of recov-
ering before our first game in Moscow,”
said Aron. “Time will make this clear
but I am choosing to be positive and
optimistic.” We’re optimistic too: World
Cup glory is Aron’s certain destiny. JR
Gylfi raring to go
Since losing their majestic attacking
warlord Gylfi Sigurðsson to injury earlier
this year, Everton have floundered in
the Premier League. Toffees manager
Sam Allardyce was grilled about Gylfi’s
recovery recently, and said he expects
him to smite again for the club before
the season ends. Gylfi himself is inde-
fatigable, and would storm the field on
crutches given the chance. “I’m not very
patient, to be honest,” he said, at a press
conference. “I like to get things done
quickly... I’ll come back stronger and
fitter than ever.” Full-strength Gylfi is a
force of nature: be afraid, Argentina. JR
Argentines crocking
themselves
As the horde regains their terrifying
strength, Argentina’s star players are
fleeing the squad like a sinking ship.
Sergio Agüero has channelled his inner
Simeone, feigning injury in a pathetic
attempt to the Moscow clash on 16th
June. Rumours suggest that his unnec-
essary knee surgery was a far preferable
option to facing Iceland in battle. Pale-
faced Paulo Dybala and trembling Mauro
Icardi have also expressed worries to
coach Jorge Sampaoli, who has duly
granted them compassionate leave from
the national side. Carlos Tevez, mean-
while, went to even greater lengths
to miss the battle whilst visiting his
brother in maximum security prison,
where he allegedly paid an inmate to chiv
him in the calf during a kickabout. GR
Russian crops smited by
Skaði
In yet another powerful omen of the
footballing Ice Age that’s about to
arrive, Russia remains unseasonably
frigid this Spring. Bloomberg reports
that cold weather in the Volga valley has
delayed wheat crops by several weeks,
according to the Institute for Agricul-
tural Market Stud-
ies. Russian villagers
have been whisper-
ing about sightings
of the ancient sorcer-
ess Baba Yaga roam-
ing the snowy forests
m u t t e r i n g c u r s e s
a b o u t S k a ð i , t h e
Icelandic goddess of
winter. Baba is power-
less before the might
of the Ásatrú gods: the snow falls relent-
lessly, burying both football fields, and
the feeble hopes of our opposition. JR
Words:
John Rogers &
Greig Robertson
Illustration:
Lóa Hlín
Hjálmtýsdóttir
SPORT
10 The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 07 — 2018
“Argentina’s
star players
are fleeing the
squad like a
sinking ship.”
Follow our football
commentary on
Twitter:
@rvkgrapevine
Birkir Már
“The Steriliser”
Sævarsson
Age: 33
Hometown: Reykjavík
Position: Right-back
Club: Valur
Special skills: Soul-sapping man-marking,
being physically allergic to flair, rising to
the occasion
Nicknames: “The Steriliser,” “The Laundry-
man,” “Lockout Lookout,” “The One Who
Knocks”

Birkir Már Sævarsson is ever-present in
Berserkirnir Okkar’s rearguard. He’s a fully
certified bore-draw fanatic, as spindly as
he is ravenous for keeping clean sheets.
Birkir Már spends his free time re-watching
Greece’s excruciatingly dull road to the Euro
2004 title, pondering Otto Rehhagel’s dreary
tactics over a glass of warm lamb’s blood.
His only indulgence comes at the weekend
when he attempts to grow the followers of
his YouTube channel dedicated to Tony Pulis’
greatest noughties shutouts.
At club level, Birkir Már has always
stayed fairly close to home, beginning his
career for hometown club Valur, before
moving onto Norway with Brann and Ham-
marby in Sweden. Now back with Valur,
some have suggested that “The Steriliser” is
required to be within three hours away from
Reykjavík at all times in order to properly
maintain his Snow Patrol shrine.
Where international football is con-
cerned, nobody is exactly sure when Birkir
Már made his debut for Iceland (historians
have speculated it came as early as 1973)
but one thing for certain is that he has
elite pedigree. At Euro 2016, for example,
he pocketed Cristiano Ronaldo and Raheem
Sterling and purposefully scored an own
goal against Hungary, only so that he could
deny forward Dániel Böde the pleasure of
notching a last-gasp equaliser.
After playing the entirety of the Euro
2016 campaign, Birkir Már will be hoping to
go 240 minutes further this time around in
Russia. After all, winning the World Cup in
normal time guarantees goals, which would
force “The Laundryman” to pull out his
EpiPen to prevent himself from going into
anaphylactic shock. GR
MEET THE SMITERS
Fear The Walk-
ing Wounded
The World Cup approacheth

We'll play on crutches if we have to
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