Reykjavík Grapevine - 01.06.2018, Blaðsíða 10

#IcelandSmites ⚽
The longships are loaded, the sails are
set, the blades are sharp, and the runes
show fair winds for the voyage to Russia.
It’s just a couple of weeks until Iceland’s
appointment with footballing greatness
at the 2018 World Cup. Here’s the latest
news from the Icelandic dressing room.
Russia shows nerves
Terrified of the imminent Icelandic inva-
sion of the World Cup tournament, Russia
is attempting to ward off the attack
through some desperate malarkey. After
Iceland joined a coalition of countries that
imposed sanctions on Russia following
the annexation of Crimea, the Russians
are now using their return sanctions as
an excuse to stop the importation of meat
and mead to feed the horde. Iceland is, of
course, undeterred: we will pour off the
longships and sprint screaming towards
the World Cup trophy cabinet exactly as
planned. Russia has some wild boar, so
we’ll deploy Emil “The Helmetless” to nut
a few into submission for a barbecue. JR
Romero abandons ship
Argentina’s first choice stopper Sergio
Romero—a professional bench-warmer
at Manchester United—
has pulled out of the
Wor l d C u p. I t w a s
announced via Twit-
ter that Romero has
suffered a knee injury.
H o w e v e r, r u m o u r s
abound that having
been wracked by night-
mares about a crushing
defeat at the hands of
a seething Northmen
army under a lightning-
riven sky, he sleep-
walked violently into
a wall trying to escape.
Willy Caballero will
instead don the gloves,
but having recently let in six in a
friendly against Spain, it remains to
be seen if he’ll survive being blasted
by Gylfi’s volcanic free kicks. JR
#SmiteTheWorld shirt
unveiled
Both stylish and practical in battle, our
new #SmiteTheWorld T-shirt is now on
sale. It’s available in Glacier Blue, Terri-
fying Black and Iceberg White. Not only
are they certified dragon-proof, woven
by elves, pre-shrunk in Ronaldo tears,
and hand-tempered by an Icelandic
blacksmith, but every shirt is rumoured
to bless the wearer with a loudly ampli-
fied battle roar that’s been compared in
volume to the sound of ten rampaging
polar bears. Our fleet of delivery ravens
fly worldwide: order at shop.grapevine.is.
“The Disciple of Doom”
boards longboat home
Kári Árnason has
a b a n d o n e d t h e
tropical climes of
Aberdeen, catch-
ing the longboat
back to hometown
club Víkingur. He
last turned out for
the Reykjavík side
in 2004, a year that
ended with Iceland
ranked 93rd in the
FIFA World Rank-
ings after being
beaten home and
away by Scotland in
the Euro 2004 quali-
fication campaign.
Things have certainly changed since
then; Kári is now written into national
folklore as the man who crushed Cris-
tiano at Euro 2016, and Berserkirnir okkar
are on their way to their first World Cup.
There’s still enough miles on Kári’s clock
to help send the Vikings to glory, too. GR
Aron “The Unbreakable”
trains in Qatar
Iceland’s totemic captain is not one to rest
on his laurels. After knackering his knee
in a crunching collision whilst propelling
Cardiff City into the UK’s Premier League,
Aron “the Annihilator” Gunnarsson had
to undergo surgery, with his World Cup
chances looking shaky. But just weeks
later his Instagram story shows him lift-
ing massive weights and hitting the tread-
mills in a Qatari recovery facility. So things
are looking up for Aron to join returning
star forward Gylfi Sigurðsson in Iceland’s
starting eleven. Let him henceforth be
known as Aron “The Unbreakable.” JR
Words:
John Rogers &
Greig Robertson
Illustration:
Lóa Hlín
Hjalmtýsdóttir
SPORT
10 The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 09 — 2018
“Romero was
wracked by
nightmares of a
crushing defeat
at the hands of
a seething army
of Northmen
under a light-
ning-riven sky.”
Follow our football
commentary on
Twitter:
@rvkgrapevine
Jóhann Berg
“The Berginator”
Guðmundsson
Age: 27
Hometown: Reykjavík
Position: Winger
Club: Burnley FC
Special skills: Crosses for the Gods, Sledge-
hammer Strikes, Labyrinthine Runs
Nicknames: “Iceberg,” “The Berginator,”
“The Butcher Of Burnley”

It is written that in the year of 1990, a
strange iceberg drifted into Reykjavík’s
smoky bay and washed ashore on the un-
inhabited Geldinganes headland. A curious
shepherd wandered out for a look and was
shocked to find a baby amongst the melt-
ing glacier-blue shards. So it was that Jo-
hann Berg "The Berginator" Guðmundsson
entered the realm of man.
It quickly became apparent that he
had a great destiny ahead of him when,
as a child, he would play keepy-uppy with
the severed heads of his foes for several
days at a time. With an instinctive feeling of
a worldly calling, he roamed the earth for
years, winning the patronage of the Chelsea
and Fulham youth teams before learning to
ply his terrible trade at Breiðablík upon re-
turning home. Stints followed at Dutch club
AZ Alkmaar then Charlton Athletic, where his
penetrating runs graduated from mazy to
labyrinthine. He scored 16 and was head-
hunted by Premier League scrappers Burn-
ley FC, growing into a fully-fledged Premier
League winger-warrior.
Jóhann started his international ca-
reer the way he meant to go on, firing in a
scorching assist as Iceland romped to vic-
tory in an “unfriendly” battle known as “The
Arson of Azerbaijan” in 2008. Since then, he
hasn’t looked back at the trail of smoulder-
ing wreckage in his wake, netting six times
in the Under-21s, and seven as a full-blown
berserker in the Icelandic horde. Much like
the Titanic, Argentina won’t see this Berg
coming. JR
MEET THE SMITERS
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Argentina's keeper is wracked by Viking nightmares
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“Much like the Titanic,
Argentina won’t see
this Berg coming.”