Reykjavík Grapevine - 21.06.2019, Qupperneq 52

EDDA RECAP
Lokasenna
The Banter of Loki
Words: Grayson Del Faro Photo: Lóa Hjálmtýsdóttir
This poem is a classic story of
youthful pastimes, such as party-
crashing or shit-talking. Revolving
around Loki, the trickster god and
all around asshole, the poem is ba-
sically just a long list of Loki’s shady
put-downs against the other Norse
gods. He’ll make them pay for not
inviting him to their party, even if
it’s only in hospital bills for their
siiiick burns.
He says, she says
So the gods are having a party. All
the rich and powerful are there, ex-
cept for Þórr, who is off conducting
some shady business in Giantland,
and Loki, because (lezbehonest)
he’s kind of a piece of shit. This
prick knows his invitation wasn’t
lost in the mail but he shows up at
the front door anyway.
“What are they talking about
in there?” he asks the doorman.
“Stuff,” the doorman says. “And
things. Like how great they all are.
And how much they hate the shit
out of you.” Loki says he’s going in
and the doorman says he isn’t, so
Loki is like, “You’re just a doorman!
Doorman!” and goes in anyway.
He demands a place at the table
and toasts to the gods present: “To
everyone except Bragi over there!”
Bragi tells him to be nice or fuck
off. Loki says, “Pffft, what are you?
The god of poetry? More like the
god of pussies, amirite!” When
Iðunn, the goddess of youth and
Bragi’s wife, tells him to chill, Loki
replies, “Shut up, slut! You’re so
dick-thirsty that you even banged
the dude who killed your own
brother!”
Gefjon, the goddess of farming,
warns not to take Loki seriously.
Loki says, “Shut up, whore! You
once exchanged sex for farmland!”
No homo, yes homo
Then Óðinn says Loki is out of
control. Loki says, “Whatever, you
make selfish decisions!” Óðinn
says, “Well, that one time you got
fucked by a horse and then preg-
nant and then gave birth and that
makes you gay!” Loki says, “Well I
heard that you once put on a dress
and that makes you gay!”
You get the idea: the wig-
snatching continues. Loki goes
on to reveal that Frigg fucked her
brothers-in-law, Freyja fucked her
actual brother, Njörður let two gi-
antesses piss in his mouth, and
that Loki himself has boned Skaði,
Sif, and Týr’s wife. That is some
kinky shit. Illegal nowadays, too!
Þór suddenly arrives and tells
Loki that if he doesn’t get the fuck
out, he’ll hit him with his hammer.
Loki stops, blinks, and says, “A’ight,
peace out.”
Morals of the story:
1. To be fair, if I was a literal god-
dess I’d sleep around too.
2. Except that incest stuff. Gross.
TV GODDESS
Baby Blue Eyes
Lóa takes on the world of TV
Words: Lóa Hlín Hjálmtýsdóttir
I haven't looked it up but there has
probably been a study where a photo
of Elijah Wood's face has been used
to determine whether people are
sociopaths or not. There is some-
thing about the arrangement of his
features and the color of his eyes
that make him the most innocent
looking man on earth. Whenever
Elijah appears on the screen I want
to mother him to death while tell-
ing him everything's going to be
allright. I'm just telling you this
so you'll understand how hard it
is for me to watch him in constant
danger and anguish in Dirk Gently
on Netflix.
The series are based on books
by Douglas Adams, who famously
wrote The Hitchhikers Guide to
the Galaxy. If you don't like Adams'
writing, do not bother with Dirk
Gently. It is not by any means real-
istic and I've noticed some people
hate imaginary things. My twitter
friends say the books about Dirk
Gently are great and the show is
garbage and I'm worried they think
I'm a tasteless moron, but I do love
the show and want to be very mean
to the person who cancelled it. If
you haven't watched it already it's
full of adventure, suspense and
philosophy about how everything
happens exactly as it is supposed to.
I would, if I could, find some great
philosopher to associate with this
kind of thinking but I can't google
anything because my computer
says my connection is unsafe and
doesn't allow me to pretend I'm
smarter than I am at the moment.
But nevertheless, I haven't watched
a show this fun since I saw the
British magician/detective show
with the funny curly haired man
with the lisp who is on the smart
people's game-show with Stephen
Fry who may or may not be named
Steven.
52The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 10 — 2018
In this series, we illuminate
the individual poems of the
Edda–that most famous, epic
masterpiece of Icelandic literary
tradition–with humour, vulgarity
and modern realness. If you're
still confused, Google 'Saga
Recap.'