Reykjavík Grapevine - 05.07.2019, Side 10

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It’s the summer fallow season, when
cottongrass blows through the air,
the only sound anyone wants to
hear is ice falling into a glass, and
Iceland’s brave smiters take some
time off from humiliating England,
saving penalties from Messi, and
repelling mobs of angry Turks.
However, there’s still plenty of
news to report, from weddings,
to transfers, injuries, and online
travails. Here’s your latest roundup
of the goings on in Camp Smite.
The invasion of Italy
If you follow Iceland’s footballing
internationals on Instagram, you’ll
have noticed that Gylfi Sigurðsson
got married this June when your
entire feed was overtaken with
shiny-faced, gel-coiffed, orange-
tanned smiters in beach-sneakers
and blazers.
Taking a break from his trade-
mark darting runs, fiery inswinging
shots, laser-guided free kicks and
skied penalties, Gylfi “the twinkle
toed maimer” and the rambunc-
tious holidaying horde romped
over to Lake Como for the ceremony.
Gylfi was duly wed to model Alex-
andra Ívarsdóttir in a ceremony
that unnamed insiders called “an
Ásatrú extravaganza,” including
horns of mead and invocations of
Freyja and Frigg
under a streaming
man-made waterfall
pouring the tears
of Gylfi’s smaught
enemies over the
assembled throng,
who partied like it
was 1399.
A l s o
unconfirmed were
rumours of height-
ened security at local
museums and vaults;
indeed, the presence
of so many plunder-
curious Vikings in
one place is enough
to send a shiver
down the spine of any
sensible Italian noble.
Afterwards, Gylfi and
Alexandra set sail for
the Maldives, Singa-
pore and Bali on their
honeymoon, and the
horde snuck away on
the longship under
cover of darkness,
vanishing creepily
from whence they
came.
Rúrik's Insta-
million
In other football
romance news, Rúrik
Gíslason is no longer
a member of the
Instagram millionaire club. “Sexy”
Rúrik went viral during Iceland’s
ill-fated inaugural World Cup run,
despite playing for
just a few minutes.
H i s f l o w i n g
locks and craggy
features managed
to captivate a large
online audience,
who immediately
started stalking
him on Insta-
gram, sending
his follower count
rapidly up through
the hundreds of thousands to the
magic million mark.
It turned out most of this new
army of fans were women from
South America, putting Rúrik in the
unlikely position of being an influ-
encer of young Peruvian ladies. It
also led to some lucrative modelling
contracts that have, by all accounts,
far outpaced Rúrik’s income as a
sportsman.
However, Rúrik recently made
the faux-pas of revealing himself to
be a human person with a normal
life, thus alienating his lusty masses.
His crime? He posted a picture of
himself with a sultry lady-friend
at the aforementioned wedding,
prompting an immediate drop of
over 8,000 followers, who presum-
ably went into mourning, beating
their pillows and crying rivers of
mascara like widows in a telenovela.
Will they forgive Sexy Rúrik? Or will
he stride boldly forth with his beau-
tiful belle and conquer the world
regardless? Tune in next issue to
find out.
Holiday boot camp
No sooner is one season over, than
another begins. After the festivi-
ties of GylfStock—and some holi-
days back in the motherland—the
smiters have been reporting for pre-
season training at their clubs.
Some are staying put. Jóhann
“The Berg” Guðmundsson posted
a classic tourist pic of himself at
the Seljalandsfoss waterfall before
getting back to the business of
improving on his injury-smitten
2018/19 campaign as he rejoins
Premier League stragglers Burnley.
Alfreð “The Arctic Fox in the Box”
Finnbogason is recovering from a
tendon injury and hoping to cement
his rightful place as Augsburg's top
striker; Aron Gunnarsson, as previ-
ously reported, is heading from
Cardiff to Qatar for Al Arabi; and
star player Gylfi will remain at Ever-
ton.
Others are moving to new battle-
fields. Ari Skúlason has signed a
two-year contract at KV Oostende,
where he’ll play as an attacking
left-back. Things are less sure for
Birkir “Horror Hooves” Bjarnason,
who was pictured
c o m m u n i n g
with his kin on
a horse -riding
trip in Akureyri
recently. After a
torrid period of
bench-warming at
newly promoted
Aston Villa, he
could be seeking
to re-establish
himself as a first
team regular—although rumours
abound about his future. All will be
revealed in due course.
Follow our live-tweets on Euro
qualification matchdays on Twit-
ter at @rvkgrapevine. Iceland's
indomitable and unstoppable
march to the Euro 2020 trophy
will continue throughout 2019,
as Aron, Gylfi, Jóhann Berg and
the boys smite their way through
all the continents of the world,
laying waste to any team foolish
enough to step into their terrible
path to glory.
#IcelandSmites 10 The Reykjavík GrapevineIssue 11— 2019
Oh, Those
Summer Smites
Gylfi’s blockbuster wedding, and the
ongoing Insta-saga of Sexy Rúrik
Words: John Rogers Illustration: Lóa Hlín Hjálmtýsdóttir
An ocean of broken hearted tears as Rúrik gets a gf
THE REAL THING
We Are
Not The
Champions

One of the top stories of this year’s
domestic Icelandic football divi-
sion—named The Pepsi League ,
because everyone knows that sug-
ary soft drinks enhance fitness and
sporting performance—is the situ-
ation of Valur, the reigning cham-
pions.
Having romped to a notable
triple last year by winning the
league title, the League Cup, and
the Super Cup all in one season,
hopes for 2019 were high. The club
signed Iceland’s goalkeeping hero,
Hannes “Wild Claws” Halldórson—
a half-man-half-giant, with huge
hands said to be able to reach up
and grasp the moon itself. With this
Messi-smiting World Cup behemoth
in goal, surely the champions would
be unassailable.
But that’s not how the first half
of the season has played out. Valur
suffered a surprising slump in form,
languishing in the table’s lower
reaches for the opening weeks.
Meanwhile, their deadly rivals—Ves-
turbær posh boys KR—pulled a Man
City by beating everyone in sight,
quickly doubling Valur’s points tally.
One contributing factor may be
the strange case of Gary Martin, the
journeyman English striker who’s
played in Iceland for much of his
career. He signed a three-year deal
with Valur—thought to be the fi-
nal move of his playing life—only
to mysteriously leave the club just
five months later. He immediately
signed for Westman Islands league
stragglers ÍBV, making them his
fifth club in three years. Weird.
Nevertheless, Valur have start-
ed to turn their season around
with three wins in their last five
games. It would take KR having a
train wreck from here on in for
them to be in with a chance of pro-
tecting the Pepsi League title. But,
in the world of Icelandic football,
much stranger things have hap-
pened. JR
“Rúrik made
the faux-pas
of revealing
himself to
be a human
person.’”
FOOTBALL