Reykjavík Grapevine - des. 2020, Blaðsíða 30

CITY SHOT by Art Bicnick
WELL, YOU ASKED
How 2 B
Cool N Hot

Questions & Answers: Megan Massey
Got a burning question? In desperate need
of advice? We at the Grapevine are here
to help.
How old is too old to be sleeping with
a stuffed animal?
If you can read this you’re too old.
Boys like me so much they don’t want
to date me. What should I do?
Baby, I hate to say it, but it’s time for
some tough love. There are two possible
explanations for what’s going on here.
Either you’re so hot that boys don’t
wanna date you because they’re only
interested in marrying you (in which
case, my advice is to just choose a hottie
and lock him down).
However I highly, highly doubt this
is the case. It’s more likely that you’re
just a little bit…average. To combat
this, you should try to make yourself
more attractive and interesting. I could
tutor you on how to be hotter but the
classes are pretty pricey and I can just
tell from the way you typed your ques-
tion that you deffo can’t afford it. I can
also tell that becoming more attrac-
tive is going to be a difficult feat, so
maybe just focus on becoming more
interesting. You can do this by picking
up an intimidating-yet-sexy hobby like
archery. Honestly, I don’t have much
advice for you because I’m actually very
pretty and also a model so I’ve never
experienced this myself.
If I stay in the bath for long enough
will I dissolve into a broth?
It depends. If you’re a snacccccc then
hell yeah—come on in, the water’s fine!
If not, then you’ll turn into a weird
smelly mess and probably also get
sucked down the drain. Sorry to be the
one to break it to you. Stay Strong.
For advice, send your quandaries to
grapevine@grapevine.is Finally! Trees in Reykjavík!
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30 The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 10— 2020
HORROR!SCOPES
Bin!ein! Every
Vanessa Hud!ens
Christmas Movie Ever
Words: Two S"gitt"rii & An Aries
All hail “The Knight Before Christ-
mas.” We are not worthy.
Aries
Aries, we respect the hustle
you’ve put into perfecting “Into
The Unknown” for your annual
family Christmas karaoke. Un-
fortunately, due to a bad run-in
with 40 years of smoking, your
grandma has been deemed high-
risk and karaoke is cancelled. But
don’t panic Aries, there’s just no
way you could ever belt it out like
Idina and rock that riff like Au-
rora. Pathetic.
Taurus
I bet a quasi-pagan like you is
awaiting Yuletide whilst lament-
ing Christmas consumerism, but
maybe it’s time to admit that if
you can’t beat them, you might
as well join them. You secretly
love 'The Polar Express' and you
know what? That’s okay. The
hot chocolate scene is pretty lit,
and if you’re honest with your-
self you’d rather watch that than
'The Nightmare Before Christ-
mas' (which you’ve been playing
on repeat since Halloween in an
attempt to uphold your witchy
aesthetic).
Gemini
You’re not special for not liking
Christmas, Gemini. You’ve an-
nounced this every year to seem
edgy and every year no one has
cared. Unlike Emma Roberts in
Holidate, no one is going to fall
in love with you because of your
pick-me girl Grinch vibes.

Cancer
Hanukkah HELP!: What can you,
a shiksa goddess, do to turn from
a Macca-don’t to the star of all
eight nights? It’s easy, just use
your Goy-YUM charm to marry a
nice Jewish boy like Joseph Gor-
don-Levitt or Seth Cohen. Mazel
Tov and welcome to the family.
*squeezes cheeks*
Leo
Yes Leo, you were right. Despite
what your bitchy roommate says,
you ARE Cameron Diaz in The
Holiday. And despite what those
bitchy Hollywood bigwigs say,
you WOULD kiss Jude Law.
Virgo
The stars have something very
special in mind for you, Virgo.
They wouldn’t tell us what, but
we’re pretty sure it involves buy-
ing a one-way ticket to a generic
yet quaint European country
with a monarchical system and
somehow getting in the way of
a certain prince or princess. Get
ready for your emotional barriers
to be broken down and to learn
something poignant about the
true meaning of Christmas. Be-
cause you’re worth it.

Libra
The best way to get in touch with
your inner Gr!la is to blast Ari-
ana Grande’s “Greedy”.

Scorpio
Scorpio, just because you can sell
your hometown to a mall devel-
oper doesn’t mean you should.
Get ready to be visited by Ghosts
of Christmas Past, Present and
Future. It’s about time we saw
some character development.

Sagittarius
For a born and bred Sagittarius
like yourself, the holidays are
merely an excuse to drink, eat
treats and reconnect with child-
hood flames. This year is no dif-
ferent, except your alcohol toler-
ance is off-the-roof, you’ve eaten
way too many sweets to care and
your childhood flame is current-
ly in quarantine. Blast.

Capricorn
Realising that you’ve already put
a lot of energy into organising
Christmas festivities—you even
got your lights up before your
neighbours!—treat yourself by
getting plastered at the family
dinner and calling out your racist
relatives. In front of their kids.

Aquarius
It’s that time of year again: time
to remind everyone, both in per-
son and across social media plat-
forms, that Christmas actually
has pagan roots and is derived
from the Roman holiday of Sat-
urnalia. We assure you, people
are very grateful for this remind-
er and do not at all roll their eyes
every single year when you bring
this up.

Pisces
Too scared to tell your fam-
ily that you stopped celebrating
Christmas years ago, you will
once again buy a round of gifts
for your relatives, send thank-
you cards and dutifully report for
family dinner in the most hid-
eous Christmas sweater you can
find. You can always tell them
next year, right?