Reykjavík Grapevine - jún. 2021, Blaðsíða 31

Reykjavík Grapevine - jún. 2021, Blaðsíða 31
HORROR!SCOPES Out, Damned Pot! Words: H!nn!h J!ne Cohen, !strologer !nd brewess The wand’ring sheep did call the Grapevine Astrology Guilde together, who hast not kindled their flames together since delivering Sophia herself back to the Heav’ens. Ho! Let us joine now with those that condense thou- sands of years of words and slang into one spiritual reading. Aries Arise, ye Aries! And fear not that the end of this mask-man- date means those ne'er-do-wells will once again judge yer shit lipstick skills. Nei, dear cleric, the facepaint ye don is apotheo- tic. Let the Gods watch! Taurus Naked ye was borne and naked ye will exit ye pandemic, ya harlot! Back to the shadows with yer floozy ways b’fore the wrath does rain from above, we decree. And by wrath, we mean an ill-fated romance with a Scorpio. Fetch the leeches! Ill- ness approaches! Gemini The bards did sing of yer con- quests, Gemini, when they did look at the stars. I prithee, my peerless paramour, that ye do follow yer loins this coming month. The stars guide ye. As do yer loins. What ho! Cancer “Whence comest thou?” the gent said. But ye did not come. Ye never did come with him... Leo Out, damned pot! The time of 420 is over! Nei, this here June, grab a mead and head out of yer isolation to an alehouse! Down in Canaan, the seers say the rivers flow red with wine. Methinks, a good start for a pilgrimage and a romp in the holy hay. Virgo The abbey is nei place for a maiden such as yerself, Virgo. While Mans first Disobedi- ence brought the Fruit of that Forbidden Tree and Death into the World, the death of yer new espresso machine need not Joynd with that Eternal Servant to create Hideous Ruine and Bottomless Perdition. So Break your Chains and Extinguish the Penal Fire, for there is no Shame in a cup of Filtered Cof- fee. As He sings: “Better reign in watery swill than to serve in caffeine-induced sup- pression.” Libra Half-sick of shadows? Say not, fair Libra, for already the Ro- mans approachest to sadden a Goth such as yerself. We cannot have ye so down, so leave the dark, leave the loom, make three paces through the room and blast yer best Type O Negative. Ye are not in Shalott; ye is in Reykjavík and the only curse that is upon ye is yer damned low self-confidence. Scorpio Look here, Scorpio: If ye want a new friend, don’t speak to them in an unknown tongue. For we wish none but a new plague upon thee who speak preten- tiously! Besthrew those who utter “Well, actually…”! They vassals, we say! Sagittarius Listen closely to yer arrow- smith. Yer half-way there. Capricorn This month ye might beg for alms from a former flame. She will not give. Aye—there’s the rub. Aquarius Lo! The folk-kings and princes did display their prowess-in- battle, but none compares to the belovèd bairn of the Aquariuses. Yes, yer children will inherit all that the Earth has to give, but ye will not be so lucky. Take yer coin out of the Bit lest misfor- tune hit. AMC to the heavens. Pisces Sing your paean, Pisces. WELL, YOU ASKED Iceland’s New Mecca Words: Brittnee Kiner Answering questions with as much hon- esty as money can buy – because well, you asked and we’re generous. Feeling a little anxious that COVID is ending. If we’re being honest, I al- most don’t want it to end. What do I do? Hey, we get it – gone are the days where you could run errands around this tiny city without having to painfully engage in conversation with one of your many pandemic-era Tinder dates. While the use of masks and social distanc- ing fades away, being a total recluse is more acceptable than it’s ever been. After finishing your workday in a pub- lic space, you can go home and bake banana bread or binge “Tiger King” to relive all of your lockdown dreams. Just when you’ve finished binging and bak- ing, dive into some self-care by journ- aling about the million and one things you could be doing better as a human being—banana bread is only going to get you so far. I’m a broke, busy guy. If I could only visit one place in Iceland right now, where would I go? You’ve probably heard by now, but Ice- land has an erupting volcano. If your entire social media feed hasn’t man- aged to be completely annihilated by endless drone footage, consider your- self lucky. You’re definitely luckier than most—including the numerous amateur drone pilots that think if they crank the accelerator hard enough on their handheld controllers, it will clear the globs of fire. If you want to tag along on the Icelandic pilgrimage, grab a beer from the bar, snatch a speaker for your back pocket, and drag along your friend with the drone that hates hiking because this is our new mecca – no excuses are permitted here. Aerial views are necessary despite the inevita- ble consequences, so then you can both hike back bitter and droneless. shop.grapevine.is shop.grapevine.is shop.grapevine.is* shop.grapevine.is shop.grapevine.isshop.grapevine.is Get Grapevine Merch! Don't Hesitate! Act Now! * You only need to type the URL in once 31The Reykjavík Grapevine Issue 06— 2021 CITY SHOT by Art Bicnick Collectively watching volcano news

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