Reykjavík Grapevine - jun 2021, Qupperneq 31

HORROR!SCOPES
Out, Damned Pot!
Words: H!nn!h J!ne Cohen, !strologer !nd brewess
The wand’ring sheep did call
the Grapevine Astrology Guilde
together, who hast not kindled
their flames together since
delivering Sophia herself back to
the Heav’ens. Ho! Let us joine now
with those that condense thou-
sands of years of words and slang
into one spiritual reading.
Aries
Arise, ye Aries! And fear not
that the end of this mask-man-
date means those ne'er-do-wells
will once again judge yer shit
lipstick skills. Nei, dear cleric,
the facepaint ye don is apotheo-
tic. Let the Gods watch!
Taurus
Naked ye was borne and naked
ye will exit ye pandemic, ya
harlot! Back to the shadows
with yer floozy ways b’fore the
wrath does rain from above, we
decree. And by wrath, we mean
an ill-fated romance with a
Scorpio. Fetch the leeches! Ill-
ness approaches!
Gemini
The bards did sing of yer con-
quests, Gemini, when they did
look at the stars. I prithee, my
peerless paramour, that ye do
follow yer loins this coming
month. The stars guide ye. As
do yer loins. What ho!

Cancer
“Whence comest thou?” the gent
said. But ye did not come. Ye
never did come with him...
Leo
Out, damned pot! The time of
420 is over! Nei, this here June,
grab a mead and head out of
yer isolation to an alehouse!
Down in Canaan, the seers say
the rivers flow red with wine.
Methinks, a good start for a
pilgrimage and a romp in the
holy hay.
Virgo
The abbey is nei place for a
maiden such as yerself, Virgo.
While Mans first Disobedi-
ence brought the Fruit of that
Forbidden Tree and Death into
the World, the death of yer new
espresso machine need not
Joynd with that Eternal Servant
to create Hideous Ruine and
Bottomless Perdition. So Break
your Chains and Extinguish
the Penal Fire, for there is no
Shame in a cup of Filtered Cof-
fee.
As He sings:
“Better reign in watery swill than
to serve in caffeine-induced sup-
pression.”
Libra
Half-sick of shadows? Say not,
fair Libra, for already the Ro-
mans approachest to sadden a
Goth such as yerself. We cannot
have ye so down, so leave the
dark, leave the loom, make three
paces through the room and
blast yer best Type O Negative.
Ye are not in Shalott; ye is in
Reykjavík and the only curse
that is upon ye is yer damned
low self-confidence.

Scorpio
Look here, Scorpio: If ye want a
new friend, don’t speak to them
in an unknown tongue. For we
wish none but a new plague
upon thee who speak preten-
tiously! Besthrew those who
utter “Well, actually…”!
They vassals, we say!
Sagittarius
Listen closely to yer arrow-
smith. Yer half-way there.

Capricorn
This month ye might beg for
alms from a former flame. She
will not give. Aye—there’s the
rub.
Aquarius
Lo! The folk-kings and princes
did display their prowess-in-
battle, but none compares to the
belovèd bairn of the Aquariuses.
Yes, yer children will inherit all
that the Earth has to give, but
ye will not be so lucky. Take yer
coin out of the Bit lest misfor-
tune hit. AMC to the heavens.

Pisces
Sing your paean, Pisces.
WELL, YOU ASKED
Iceland’s New
Mecca

Words: Brittnee Kiner
Answering questions with as much hon-
esty as money can buy – because well, you
asked and we’re generous.
Feeling a little anxious that COVID
is ending. If we’re being honest, I al-
most don’t want it to end. What do
I do?
Hey, we get it – gone are the days where
you could run errands around this tiny
city without having to painfully engage
in conversation with one of your many
pandemic-era Tinder dates. While
the use of masks and social distanc-
ing fades away, being a total recluse
is more acceptable than it’s ever been.
After finishing your workday in a pub-
lic space, you can go home and bake
banana bread or binge “Tiger King” to
relive all of your lockdown dreams. Just
when you’ve finished binging and bak-
ing, dive into some self-care by journ-
aling about the million and one things
you could be doing better as a human
being—banana bread is only going to
get you so far.
I’m a broke, busy guy. If I could only
visit one place in Iceland right now,
where would I go?
You’ve probably heard by now, but Ice-
land has an erupting volcano. If your
entire social media feed hasn’t man-
aged to be completely annihilated by
endless drone footage, consider your-
self lucky. You’re definitely luckier
than most—including the numerous
amateur drone pilots that think if they
crank the accelerator hard enough on
their handheld controllers, it will clear
the globs of fire. If you want to tag
along on the Icelandic pilgrimage, grab
a beer from the bar, snatch a speaker
for your back pocket, and drag along
your friend with the drone that hates
hiking because this is our new mecca –
no excuses are permitted here. Aerial
views are necessary despite the inevita-
ble consequences, so then you can both
hike back bitter and droneless.
shop.grapevine.is
shop.grapevine.is
shop.grapevine.is*
shop.grapevine.is
shop.grapevine.isshop.grapevine.is
Get
Grapevine
Merch!
Don't Hesitate!
Act Now!
* You only need to type the URL in once
31The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 06— 2021
CITY SHOT by Art Bicnick
Collectively watching volcano news