Reykjavík Grapevine - okt. 2021, Blaðsíða 31

HORROR!SCOPES
Oh, Snap!
Marvelous
Zodiac Pairin!s
I can do this all day.
Words: Desir"i Thompson
What tells you more about a
person: their Zodiac sign or which
Avenger they most identify with?
It’s always better to be overin-
formed, so Grapevine got busy pair-
ing the star signs with characters
from the Marvel Cinematic Uni-
verse. So...before we get started,
does anyone want to get out?
Aries
You’re the intergalactic cowboy
of the Zodiac, Star-Lord. When
you’re not on the run from space
bandits or bopping along to
eighties hits, you’re punching
the purple out of genocidal war-
lords. At least we got one more
Avengers movie out of the whole
thing since it all could’ve been
over then and there if you just
knew how to keep your cool.
Taurus
Known for being stable, patient
and uncompromising, Taurus,
you’re Cap all the way. I mean,
you had to wait decades to
reunite with the woman of your
dreams. We stan age-and era-
defying love.
Gemini
You’re the empath of the Zodiac,
therefore you’re the empath of
the Guardians. Live your life by
Mantis’ mantra, “Kick names,
take ass.”

Cancer
A sign of extremes, you’re the per-
fect Zodiac symbol for Bruce Ban-
ner and Hulk. What’s your origin
story, Cancer? Were you outbid for
your favorite childhood Furby on
eBay and never quite got over it?
Leo
Sorry it took half a sec to put
the attention back on you, Leo.
Gregarious to a fault and unwav-
eringly convinced that you’re the
main character of, well, every-
thing, you’re clearly Ironman.
Your creativity is second to none
and we applaud you for that but
WOW do we wish you could shut
up about your newest passion
project.
Virgo
You? Analytical? Well of course,
Vision, you’re a freakin’ robot.
Libra
Ah, the symbolic scales dem-
onstrating Cliff Barton’s desire
to balance his dedication to his
family and his loyalty to the
Avengers. Does he strike this
equilibrium perfectly? Of course
not. The only thing Hawkeye can
strike perfectly is a bullseye and
that’s more than we can say for
you.
Scorpio
You’re a true friend to the ones
closest to you but we’ve also
heard you have a bit of a violent
streak. Whether you’re more
Winter Soldier or Black Widow,
we can’t say—or we’re afraid to.
Sagittarius
No one can spin a yarn quite like
a Sag. There’s also no one more
determined to be the center of
attention. That’s why you’re the
Nordic saga-based hero, Thor.
Few other star signs, or Avengers
for that matter, are so concerned
with understanding the meaning
of life and their purpose in it. So
go ahead, crack open that ale and
tell a tale or two.
Capricorn
You’re practical, you’re disci-
plined, you’re condescending.
You’re Dr. Strange and that’s all
we have to say about that, Cap.
No, not that Cap.
Aquarius
Progressive and humanitarian.
It’s hard to imagine two words
to better describe Aquarius or
Black Panther. We’ll leave it at
that. Wakanda Forever.

Pisces
The only sign so weighed down
by your emotions that you would
construct a whole new reality
just to escape them. Dust off that
50’s era A-line dress and practice
saying “yes, dear” with such
sugary sweetness it makes your
eyes water because you’re living
Wandavision, honey.
WELL, YOU ASKED
The Cleanest
Country On Earth

Words: Reetta Huhta
Answers to the confused Finns visiting
Iceland
Why don’t Icelanders use bidet
showers?
Some Finnish friends of mine have no-
ticed that Icelandic bathrooms don’t
include a bidet shower. And no, they’re
not talking about the bulky and incon-
venient porcelain bidets, or the crazy
Japanese toilets that are designed to
clean the critical areas after taking a
dump. No, said Finns are talking about
the good old “bum guns”, the small
shower heads found beside many Finn-
ish toilets.
My simple answer to their ques-
tion is that Icelanders don’t need bi-
det showers in order to be clean. After
all, this country is as clean as it gets.
Think about it! The water running
down the rivers and from the taps is
some of the cleanest worldwide. The
air that Icelanders breathe is fresh and
crisp, nothing like the polluted air in
the world’s largest cities. On top of that,
Iceland has an abundance of clean en-
ergy to work with.
It goes without saying that when you
utilize the purest commodities in the
world, it is absolutely unnecessary to
use a bidet shower after taking a num-
ber two. When your body is surrounded
and saturated by cleanliness, nothing
that comes out of it will be able to mess
things up.
Why is the rush hour so dreadful in
Reykjavík?
The same Finnish friends were flab-
bergasted by the daily traffic jams in
Reykjavík. I’ll make it simple: you have
money. You buy a car. You sit happily in
the traffic and laugh at people waiting
for a bus outside in horrible weather.
You feel superior. That’s it.
31The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 10— 2021
CITY SHOT by John Pearson
Low autumn sun, pink church