Reykjavík Grapevine - 24.08.2012, Qupperneq 4

Dear Grapevine,
I'm sure we share the same passion in
trying out the best parties in Iceland,
and this year that quest took me to
Þjóðhátíð in Vestmannaeyjar. I've been
to many festivals all across Scandi-
navia but they all seem quite low-key
compared to one that has thunderous
firework displays, a gigantic exploding
bonfire, a
long line of bright f lares, and a politi-
cian shouting "Djamm!". There was
great partying indeed, but also some
unfortunate encounters with a certain
tribe of people that we could just call
douchebags.
For example: I was as usual wearing
my festival hat (a big fancy officer's hat
from Ukraine) which at one point was
taken from me by a girl that hid it in
her tent. Since I didn't know which tent
was hers I had to ask her to bring it back
to me. She refused to admit that she
ever had the hat, and instead started to
rather aggressively try make me leave
the camp. Of course I wouldn't go with-
out my hat, and a long and very silly
discussion ensued until finally one of
her friends started to feel sorry for me
and brought the hat back. On my way
out of the camp I poured out a bottle
of the girl's gin all over the ground as
revenge, and was promptly pushed
away. I know I'm not the most morally
perfected person around, and pouring
out her gin was an immature thing to
do (even if she deserved it). I would
have apologized for it, but in that case
I would have expected her to apologize
for trying to steal my hat.
But that's not as bad as what happened
to a friend of mine. We had gotten sepa-
rated and she was looking for me near
the stage when all of a sudden two guys
lifted her up high and ran away with
her. She screamed at them to stop but
they just shouted "Hooga chaka! Hooga
chaka! Hooga chaka!". Then they threw
her across the bar at the candyf loss
place, sending her crashing down on
the machines. A lot of people at the
stall got very angry and wanted to cut
her wristband and kick her out for it.
But she started crying and said it wasn't
her fault, so one man offered to help her
find the guys that did it. They went out
and saw one of them near the entrance,
so the man wrestled him down and
told my friend to kick him in the balls.
Which she did, twice. Immediate pay-
back, and she left it like that.
What's to learn from all this? Well, if
you mess with The Random Swedes
you will get your gin poured out and/
or your balls kicked. But let's not go
down that road! Let's all be nice to
those we meet at the festival, and keep
the douchebaggery to a minimum.
Let's have Þjóðhátíð for meeting new
friends, partying and making love un-
der fireworks.
So everyone just behave well! And I'll
see you next year.
Karlmundur
hópleiðtogi, The Random Swedes
Dear Karlmundur and The Random
Swedes,
First of all, we sorry that people stole
your belongings back and that your
friend got assaulted. These things are
not cool at all. If you had asked for our
advice about the best parties, we prob-
ably would not have recommended
Þjóðhátið as their douchebag quotient is
notoriously high, amongst a slew of oth-
er issues we take with it. But we digress!
That being said, we are not super im-
pressed by your retaliation tactics. You
responded to theft and violence with
theft and violence, some of it much
worse than what was done to you – you
got your hat back, but did that girl get
her gin back? Your friend shouldn’t
have been tossed around like that, but
she could have reported it rather than
inflicting a much more severe assault
on that guy’s nuts. Two wrongs don’t
make a right and takes a douchebag to
know a douchebag.
If you do come back for Þjóðhátið next
year, practice what you preach and be-
have yourselves. Be constructive, be cre-
ative, be proactive, but don’t be a dick.
Bjork
1. Bjork, you are protecting the «Pussy Riot» ? OK. Then you
will haveto jump and shout at the altar of St Paul's Cathedral
in London, inthe mask … This is the most effective support
of the «Pussy Riot» ...And when you are taken away by the po-
lice, the International HumanRights organization, Amnesty
International, immediately recognizes you as a "prisoner of
conscience"…
2. Bjork, I need your big photo (with a wide forehead) for my
website of the pathological russophobes :
http://tchaykovsky.com/rusphobi/edward_lucas.htm
Sergey Selyunin. Russia.
Dear Sergey,
We are not the singer-songwriter Björk. We are a magazine
called the Reykjavík Grapevine. Hi!
1. We aren’t sure you really “get” this whole activism thing
or what effective support means. We are also pretty sure that
there are not as many judiciary-religious cahoots in England
that would make it so someone doing such a thing in St-Paul’s
would reduce them to a political prisoner. I mean, you saw the
London Riots last year, right? Most of those folks got a misde-
meanour charge at most, so you know.
2. Since we are (still) not Björk, we cannot provide you this im-
age for your fucking hilarious website, but here is a free t-shirt
for you. Hopefully it does not end up pictured on your website
with PATHOLOGICAL RUSSOPHOBE emblazoned over it!
Sincerely,
Not-Björk
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From that point on you are in good hands.
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This is what you say to the taxi driver
or when asking locals for directions:
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(Hello! What‘s up)
When you arrive you tell the waiter:
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get ég fengið hamborgara”
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