Reykjavík Grapevine - 01.07.2016, Blaðsíða 68

Let’s just get this out of the way
upfront: forget what the history
books told you because Columbus
did not “discover” the Americas.
Several hundred years before he
set out across the Atlantic, the
Norsemen sailed along the coasts
of what is now Canada and made
settlements there, if only tempo-
rarily. But lemme tell you some-
thing else: they didn’t “discover”
the Americas either. I should hope
it’s not news to you that there were
millions of indigenous people al-
ready thriving there for lawd-
knows-how-long. I mean, how do
you even “discover” a place where
people already live?
Despite the tenuous encoun-
ters with the natives described in
this Saga, there luckily remains
no Saga of Ísak the Inuit-Skull-
Crusher or anything of that shitty
sort. So we’ll content ourselves
with the Saga of Eiríkur the Red,
the story of the Norse settlements
in Greenland and the sarcastically
quotation-marked “discovery” of
North America.
Iceland is green and
Greenland is STFU
This story begins with the usual
entire chapter of who was the
son of who before getting to part
where Greenland is named. Then
some guy named Eiríkur is out-
lawed from Iceland and goes to
live in a land he’d heard spoken of
to the west. He calls it Greenland,
hoping people will want to settle
there if “it has a nice name.” This
is the origin of that stupid phrase
which anyone who’s ever told any
English speaker that they’ve been
to Iceland have probably heard:
“Iceland is green and Greenland
is ice, right?” Whether or not you
responded with, “And your eye is
black, bitch” and a punch to their
dumb face, you can blame Eiríkur
for starting it.
Eiríkur’s buddy Þórbjörn goes
out to live with him in Green-
land. It’s a bad fishing year for
them over there, but some witch
comes around offering to tell the
future. They make her some por-
ridge from goat milk and animal
hearts (yum) but she
also needs someone
to sing some kind of
incantation called a
“weird song.” Luckily,
Þórbjörn’s daughter
Guðríður knows it so
she’s got the witch’s
back. She foretells the
fishing will be fine
and that Guðríður
will find a hella hot
husband in Green-
land but eventually
go back to Iceland to
have many awesome
babies. Score!
Fishing for
Jesus
So Eiríkur’s son Leifur (you might
have heard of him by his angli-
cized name Leif Eiriksson) goes
to Norway, gets converted, and
brings back the worst souvenir
ever: Christianity. Then there is an
illness that kills a bunch of people,
but their corpses all get up and
start wreaking all kinds of havoc
because they weren’t given Chris-
tian burials. This is remedied for
Christ’s literal sake.
Then, for no goddamn reason
at all, they decide to go to Vin-
land, even though it’s never been
mentioned before and they pre-
sumably haven’t named it. They
sail along the coast of what is pre-
sumably now Nunavut, giving the
regions very beautiful names like
Flat-slab-of-stone-land and Bor-
der-of-the-forest-land. They have
two Scottish peo-
ple with them, who
can apparently run
“faster than wild
beasts,” and they
use them to scout
out a nice place to
stay for winter.
When they
come back with a
handful of grapes,
which totally don’t
grow wild in New-
foundland, they de-
cide to settle there.
But the fishing
sucks balls and ev-
eryone is starving
so they eat some
random whale that
washes up on shore
and everyone gets
sick. When one dude says he re-
cited a poem for the god Þórr and
the whale must be a gift from him
in return, they all pray to Jesus in-
stead. Suddenly, the fishing and

1. If it’s not your
country, interact
with the people
there on their
terms or GTFO.
2. When you go on
vacation, bring your
loved ones back
a nice souvenir,
not Christianity.
Maybe something
more useful, like a
magnet.
Morals of
the story:
Episode 12:
Saga of Eiríkur
the Red
SAGA RECAP
Words GRAYSON DEL FARO
Art INGA MARIA BRYNJARS DÓTTIR
The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 9 — 2016
68
HUMANS OF REYKJAVÍK
On what brings him to
Reykjavík
“I’m from eastern Canada. I
travel west each year to do
some snowboarding but this
is the first trip outside of my
country. I came because the
flight tickets were so cheap.
I had no other options where
to travel, I just wanted to see
Iceland.”
On his Iceland highlights
“I will be here for ten days
and I’m really enjoying the
country. For me, the highlights
are Gullfoss, Dettifoss and
Westfjords. But I really like
here in Reykjavík too because
the food is so good (especially
fish) and also the people are
really nice. I’m sad to leave, I
want to stay in Iceland but I
have to go to work. I will visit
Iceland again, maybe in two
years.”
On differences between
Iceland and Canada
“It’s colder in Canada! Here
in Iceland it is really warm in
summer.” (He really meant
it!) “And what is more, it’s so
weird that it doesn’t get dark
at night.”
Words & Photo GEIDI RAUD
hunting gets better and everyone
is happy, most especially Jesus and
his ego.
Tit for tat
They split into two teams to ex-
plore more, one team heading
back north and promptly drown-
ing while the other heads south
and doesn’t drown. They set up
in a nice forest and after encoun-
tering the natives, they begin to
trade with them. This only lasts
until one of their bulls escapes
and scares the natives shitless.
They disappear and reappear to
attack the Norsemen, who all run
for their lives.
Freydís, Eiríkur’s daughter,
yells that they’re all pussies and
they should stand up for them-
selves. They ignore her (like puss-
ies) and keep running. Then she
picks up a sword, turns to face the
native army, whips out her tit (not
even kidding), and begins smack-
ing it with the sword. This sends
the attackers running. Then all
hail the fearless boob-warrior!
They decide that despite the
land being good for farming,
there are already people there and
maybe it would be best to go back
whence they came. The rest of the
saga is fucking boring, so we’ll
just leave it here as a lesson. Too
bad it’s too late for Columbus to
learn it.
SHARE: gpv.is/saga12
Martial Lévesque
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