Reykjavík Grapevine - 10.11.2017, Qupperneq 10

As the Icelandic national men and wom-
en’s football teams continue to smite
the entire world within an inch of its
quivering life, we once again decided
to turn to the omens, witches, entrails,
the Grapevine Magic 8-Ball, Google—
and, ahem, press releases—for a closer
look at what’s going on inside the sport.
Germany: Smited
You know how awesome our men’s team
is? Well, equally awesome is our women’s
team. Last month, they beat two-time
World Cup winners Germany 3-2 in an
away game in Weisbaden—their first
World Cup qualifying loss since 1998.
A Dagny Brynjarsdóttir brace and a
sumptuous Elín Metta Jensen strike
secured the glorious smiting as “stel-
purnar okkar” (“our
girls”) solidified their
position in Group Five,
and now they sit just
two points off the top
spot, with a game in
hand. Not until the
men beat Germany in
Volgagrad in next sum-
mer’s World Cup has
the superstar nation
suffered such a loss.
Unfriendlies:
Qatar, you’re
next
The idea of “friendlies”
doesn’t apply to Iceland,
who know no “friendly”
in the heat of battle, and
can only smite. On No-
vember 14 they’ll catastrophically deci-
mate the unsuspecting national men’s
teams of Qatar, who will be razed to the
ground in a torrent of fiery footballing
wrath. Good luck finding a streaming link.
The Curse Of Merseyside
A troubling pattern seems to be emerg-
ing for Icelandic star players who ply
their trade professionally to the twin
Merseyside teams of Everton and Liver-
pool. Many moons ago in the mid-’90s,
the most talented attacking young foot-
baller in the Icelandic game, Haukur Ingi
Guðnasson, signed onto the Liverpool
youth team, only to be plagued by inju-
ries and never play a single competitive
game. Last summer, Icelandic marks-
man and star midfielder Gylfi Sigurðs-
son followed suit and signed for Everton
in a £45m move. He has since gone from
being Swansea’s star player to being a
wretched Evertonian bench warmer.
Is it a coincidence? Is it a dark Scouse
curse? Only time, and omens, will tell.
Diego Cometh
Villaviciosa-born (that sounds warm)
right-back Diego Johannesson Pando
was back in the Iceland squad for the No-
vember friendlies against Czech Republic
and Qatar. Diego made his full debut for
the country of his father’s birth in 2016,
after declaring his allegiance two years
earlier. Rumour has it he was called up
to protect stalwart right-back Birkir Már
Saevarsson from a Vitamin D-induced
coma, and it is thought other members of
the squad are frantically trawling through
Icelandic genealogy databases to avoid se-
lection for the 2022 Qatar World Cup. For
now, they’ll have to make do with SPF 50.
Iceland Prepares To Smite
The World... At Quidditch
Quidditch—a broomstick-based, air-
borne fictional sport from J. K. Rowl-
ing’s Harry Potter universe involving
a flying golden puck
called “the snitch”—is
also a sport that’s be-
ing approximated in
real life. Iceland has a
team, managed by Sig-
urður Skúli Sigurgeirs-
son, who says the IRL
version lies somewhere
b e t w e e n h a n d b a l l ,
rugby and dodgeball.
According to Sigurður,
instead of a snitch the
game uses "an indi-
vidual who wears yel-
low clothes and a huge
sock over his head with
a tennis ball attached
to it." The ridiculous-
ness of the sport does
not matter—Iceland
will smite the world
at it anyway. The tournament will
take place in 2018 in the Italian city
of Florence between June 27-July 2.
Follow our ongoing commentary on
football-related goings-on via the @rvk-
grapevine Twitter and use the hashatgs
#Ice l an dSmites an d — of course —
#SmiteTheWorld to join in the fun. Get your-
self a #SmiteShirt at shop.grapevine.is.
Words:
John Rogers &
Greig Robertson
Illustration:
Lóa Hlín
Hjálmtýsdóttir
Iceland’s World
Cup Winning
Destiny Inches
Ever Closer
The world trembles in terror as our
football (and quidditch) teams approach
world domination
SPORT
#IcelandSmites 10 The Reykjavík GrapevineIssue 20 — 2017
Gylfi ‘The Viking
Virtuoso’
Sigurðsson
Age: 28
Hometown: Reykjavík
Club: Everton
Position: Attacking Midfield
Special skills: 30-yard-scorchers,
pillaging defences, costing more
than 7,000,000 copies of Independ-
ent People
Nicknames: The Viking Virtuoso,
The Smiting Sorcerer, The Poet, The
Wing’d Booted Warlord, Gylfi The
Greatest, The Cold-Eyed Excecu-
tioner, Mighty Zingboy
For many, Aron “The Annihilator” Gun-
narsson is the face of the Icelandic
national football team. A dogged,
ever-committed midfielder with an
end-to-end style, the team’s cap-
tain excels in crunching tackles and
mighty long throws. Despite having
only scored two goals at interna-
tional level, he is a totemic midfield
presence that drives the team for-
ward with boundless grit and deter-
mination. Aron is also the ringleader
of the famous “Viking clap,” which
is a victory ritual, and not a virulent
venereal disease.
After rising rapidly through the
ranks of the youth system, he be-
came the permanent captain of the
side in 2012, and has spent time play-
ing at Coventry City and then Cardiff
City in the UK. Under his leadership,
Iceland qualified for their first Euro-
pean Cup playoffs, and then the fi-
nals, where they famously beat Eng-
land before going out against the
host, France. In 2017, Aron captained
Iceland into their first ever World Cup
finals.
It is rumoured that Aron’s beard
length is directly connected to the
fortune of his side, so we’re pleased
to see him growing back his facial
coif ahead of Iceland’s foray into the
World Cup. During the Euro Cup 2016,
he unleashed a robust challenge
on Cristiano Ronaldo, who refused
to swap shirts with him at the final
whistle, forever cementing Aron’s
place in the hearts of football fans
worldwide. GR
PLAYER PROFILES
“Gylfi has
gone from
being
Swansea’s
star player to
a wretched
Evertonian
bench
warmer. Is it a
coincidence,
or a dark
Scouse
curse?”
NO BUN
NO FUN