Reykjavík Grapevine - 05.01.2018, Síða 10

Iceland’s marauding horde of football-
ers paused in the tireless pursuit of their
Inevitable World Cup Winning Destiny
in recent weeks, returning to freelance
day-job smiting at various football clubs
across Europe. Of course, the smiting
never really ends; the Icelandic players
were involved in many key incidents,
thunderbolt free kicks, crunching tack-
les, rampaging attacks and staunch,
sturdy shield wall defensive manoeu-
vres, powering their respective teams
forward with their usual Óðinn-blessed
sporting prowess. At the same time, mur-
murs of strange supernatural events and
bizarre phenomena crept across Rus-
sia as the 2018 World Cup draws near-
er. Here’s all the latest smiting news.
Gylfi erupts
Fans of strákarnir okkar (“our boys,” in
English) may have been concerned for
the first few months of this season as
Gylfi “The Viking Virtuoso” Sigurðsson
decided to take a brief sabbatical after
his £45m summer transfer to Everton
FC. Thankfully, Gylfi has now recovered
from carrying the whole Swansea
team on his back for three seasons,
returning to form under new Everton
manager, “Stór” Sam Allardyce. After
dispatching a 25-yard-curler in a 3-1
victory against his former side on
December 18th, Gylfi added insult
to the copious injuries of his former
manager Paul Clement, who was given
the Blood Eagle by the Swansea board
two days after the plundering. GR
Týr weighs in
After Albert Guðmundsson was ab-
surdly shown red in a Jong PSV match
against Fortuna Sittard
for an alleged beating
motion that never hap-
pened, he sought the aid
of Týr, Norse God of law
and justice, trusting in
him to resolve the situ-
ation. After Týr famil-
iarised the Dutch disci-
plinary committee with
the proverb, ‘Fear the
reckoning of those you
have wronged,’ they im-
mediately reversed the
referee’s three-match
punishment, terrified
that an uncontrolla-
ble rage was building
within Albert’s psyche.
Despite his side’s 3-2 defeat, the com-
mittee’s members can rest easy, but
would do well to remember this course
of action for future reference. GR
Russia beset by omens
All across the sprawling landmass
of Russia, strange events have been
reported. In Moscow, an inexplica-
bly long icicle snapped, plummeted
to the frozen ground and shattered
on the pavement like the sword of
Damocles. Oleg, a Russian busker,
picked the shards from his cap, mut-
tering under his breath: “проклятие,
will these Icelandic omens never end?”
In the swamps of west Siberia,
a layer of frosted ice crept over the
turgid, stinking mud. A squirrel de-
scended from a tree and tapped over
the frozen surface, confused and diso-
riented. A thunderous sound echoed
suddenly through the
woods: “HÚH!” The
terrified squirrel scut-
tled back into the trees,
never to be seen again.
In Kalach—a village
in the Urals—a hot
spring suddenly burst
through the ground.
The villagers gathered
to watch the sulphur-
ous steam pour into
the sky. An old, blind
fortune teller stumbled
into the crowd. Every-
one fell silent. She said
just three words, in a
low, quavering voice:
“Iceland is coming.”
We’ll be sure to keep an eye on the
news and report any other strange
phenomena that appear in rela-
tion to the imminent conquest of
Russia by our crush crushing army
of horrible sporting doom. JR
Follow our football commentary via the
@rvkgrapevine Twitter to join in the fun.
Words:
John Rogers &
Greig Robertson
Illustration:
Lóa Hlín
Hjálmtýsdóttir
May The Smite Be
With You, Always
Russia beset by omens of doom

SPORT
#IcelandSmites 10 The Reykjavík GrapevineIssue 01 — 2018
Alfreð Finn-
bogason
Age: 28
Hometown: Grindavík
Club: Augsburg
Special Skills: Predatory poaching,
dehumanising dinks, neutering
nutmegs, summoning a rampaging
demonic wolf spirit in extra time
Nicknames: The Arctic Fox in the Box,
The Punisher, Heimir’s Halberd
Alfreð Finnbogason is strákarnir
okkar’s “Arctic Fox in the Box,” whose
cunning spearheads the Iceland at-
tack. Alfreð is always lurking in the
danger zone, and pounced three
times in eight qualification games,
a scoring record only bested by
talisman Gylfi “The Viking Virtuoso”
Sigurðsson. Feared and revered at
his Bavaria-based club, FC Augsburg,
terrace folklore has it that for every
second one’s gaze meets Alfreð’s,
one suffers 1000 years of pain.
For this reason, few goalkeepers
have managed to stop Alfreð from
netting against them. In 2014, how-
ever, after his capture and imprison-
ment by David Moyes at Real Socie-
dad, Alfreð became weakened and
he was exiled to Olympiacos, playing
in the footballing Underworld of the
Greek top division.
When he broke free in 2016, he
rose from the ashes at FC Augsburg.
Since then, “The Punisher” has never
looked back, rediscovering the form
that saw him degrade opposition at
Dutch Eredivisie club, Heerenveen.
In this summer’s World Cup group
stage, Alfreð will surely whet his ap-
petite for continental prey in match-
ups with the deficient Croatian Dejan
Lovren, the error-strewn Argentine
Nicolas Otamendi, and whoever
plays in defence for Nigeria. Nations
of the globe beware: “Heimir’s Hal-
berd” is coming for you. GR
MEET THE SMITERS
“When
Guðmundsson
was absurdly
shown a
red card, he
sought the
aid of Týr,
Norse God of
justice.”
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