Reykjavík Grapevine - 18.05.2018, Side 10

As the world footballing community
shivers with anxiety at the forthcom-
ing Icelandic onslaught, things have
been pretty chill at Camp Iceland.
When you’re definitely going to win,
there’s no need to lose your shit. When
you’re definitely going to be smited,
however… well , that ’s different .
Aron would play on bloody
stumps
It was the moment we’ve all been wait-
ing for. At a recent press conference
at the Icelandic Football Association
(KSÍ) headquarters, Heimir Hallgríms-
son—dentist, drawbridge destroyer,
man-mangler, and manager of Iceland’s
national football team—announced the
final 23-player raiding party that will
soon set sail for Iceland’s appointment
with destiny at the Russian World Cup.
It was with some relief that the assem-
bled media scribes saw the names of
Iceland’s injured but talismanic star
players Aron Einar Gunnarsson and
Gylfi Sigurðsson flash up on the screen.
Heimir revealed that Gylfi is back in
training, and happily wrestling crazed
polar bears on the top of Eyjafjallajökull.
He’s also been in daily contact with
Aron, who confirmed he would even
play on his bloody stumps were both his
legs to be cleaved off in battle. So a little
operation definitely won’t stop him. JR
Albert’s terrifying screech
They were joined by many of the heroes
of Euro 2016, and some young warriors
who’ve edged their way into Heimir’s
considerations with impressive cameos
in Iceland’s recent smash-and-grab
invasion of the Americas. Eyebrows
were raised at the exclusion of seasoned
striker Kolbeinn Sigþórsson—Iceland’s
second-highest goalscorer of all time
(after Eiður Guðjohn-
sen) with 22 goals to
h i s n a m e , i n c l u d-
ing a fateful strike to
knock out the preen-
ing millionaires of
England at Euro 2016.
However, Kolbeinn has
been out injured since
2016, and with no guar-
antee of him recover-
ing in time for Russia,
he was confined to
the reserves camp.
20-year-old striker
Albert Guðmundsson
made the cut instead,
with Heimir prais-
ing the insane stripling berserker’s
unquenchable bloodlust, armour-
piercing shots, and high-pitched
battle screech, which is rumoured to
make opposition goalies’ eardrums
explode as he unleashes each and
every flaming goal-bound stunner. JR
Knock-off Nigels revel as
KSÍ fumes
Meanwhile, the Iceland football asso-
ciation have fallen victim to their
own success before the World Cup has
even begun, as cheap knock-offs of
the new “Blood Up to the Shoulders”
shirt threaten to undercut KSÍ’s cash
cow. While the official jersey will set
genuine Iceland freaks back a hefty
12,000 ISK, disgraceful, disingenu-
ous frauds can purchase the fakes for
as little as 1,600 ISK. As previously
reported, Iceland’s kit manufacturer
Erreà Sport has committed to using
materials that “don’t release the harm-
ful or cancer-causing substances
which are often used to lower produc-
tion costs,” so, if you literally don’t
want to chalk years off your own exis-
tence, buy Icelandic. Well, Italian. GR
Argentina
have previous
Finally, a lesson from
the annals of history.
It was 1990; a time
w h e n p i l l s w e r e
t e n - a - p e n n y a n d
the Icelandic youth
were running riot.
But as Reykjavík was
gurning its prover-
bial face off, World
Cup holders Argen-
tina were slumping
to defeat against
s t a r k u n d e r d o g s
Cameroon in their
June 8th Italian World Cup opening
game. After François Omam-Biyik’s
67th-minute header secured a famous
win, Les Lions Indomptables would go
on to reach the Quarter Finals, even-
tually being knocked out against the
simpering babies of Bobby Robson’s
England. In Russia, the odds will be
similarly stacked against Iceland, but
the current raiding party is hardly
averse to a major scalp. Even if things
don’t go Iceland’s way, they can always
channel their inner Benjamin Massing
to stop fleet-footed prima donna Lionel
Messi in his dainty Bambi-like tracks. JR
Words:
John Rogers &
Greig Robertson
Illustration:
Lóa Hlín
Hjalmtýsdóttir
SPORT
10 The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 08 — 2018
“Albert’s
battle screech
makes goal-
ies’ eardrums
explode as he
unleashes every
flaming goal-
bound stunner.”
Follow our football
commentary on
Twitter:
@rvkgrapevine
Emil
“The Eliminator”
Hallfreðsson
Age: 33
Hometown: Hafnarfjörður
Position: Midfielder
Club: Udinese
Special skills: Skewering dead balls, magic
left leg, so strong that Italian commenta-
tors call duels involving him 90-10s,
both an unstoppable force AND an
immovable object.
Nicknames: “The Eliminator,” “The Glacier,”
“Creator of Complexes,” “The Helmetless”

Part-man, part-glacier, Emil “The Eliminator”
Hallfreðsson is so strong that Hafþór Júlíus
"The Mountain" Björnsson addresses him as
“Master.” This belittling term of endearment
owes to a childhood encounter at a sum-
mer football camp in Reykjavík, when Emil
body-slammed Hafþór to the ground, leav-
ing him in a crumpled heap. Last week, while
celebrating his first World’s Strongest Man
title, Hafþór’s nightmare returned when the
pair bumped shoulders in a downtown bar.
Though Emil stood firm, “The Mountain” spi-
ralled towards the ground, and rumour has
it that he can still be found in Prikið in the
foetal position.
Aside from being the architect of psy-
chological complexes, Emil has also carved
out a successful club career spanning
over 16 years. Starting out with local side
FH, Emil then moved on to Tottenham, but
inexplicably remained behind Teemu Tainio
in the pecking order, and was shipped off
to Malmö FF and Lyn Oslo on loan. Since then,
barring an escapade to Barnsley in 2009-
10 (where his SPF 50 consumption declined
rapidly) Emil’s bulletproof bonce has been
staunchly reflecting the Italian sun. In the
last decade, he has turned out for Reggina,
Verona and Udinese, making 269 league ap-
pearances, scoring 16 and assisting a fur-
ther 35.
In Italy, Emil has become renowned for
his tenacity, aggression and, of course, his
wand-like left peg. One of several on the
World Cup longboat with the capacity to
deliver a skewering dead ball, Emil could
prove key to Iceland’s snatch-and-grab
game plan; especially with Gylfi “The Viking
Virtuoso” fighting to be fit for the tourna-
ment. After clocking up just 24 minutes on
the pitch at Euro 2016, Emil will be hoping
that his dusty catapult is put to greater use
this time around. Only doubling the destruc-
tion in Russia can make up for lost time. GR
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Albert's football battle scream: like a scene from 'Scanners'
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