Reykjavík Grapevine - 26.04.2019, Blaðsíða 10

T EMPL A R A SUND 3 , 101 RE Y K JAV ÍK , T EL : 5711822, W W W.BERGSSON. IS
BREAKFAST FROM 7
LUNCH FROM 12
As Iceland’s Euro 2020 hopes hang in
the balance, the long wait until the next
qualifying matches seems interminable.
Luckily, the domestic football season is
ramping up to a thrilling conclusion to
keep us distracted. Here’s a roundup of
the latest news pouring in from the far-
flung corners of Europe about Iceland’s
terrifying, indomitable smiters-at-large.
Golden-boots Gylfi
sinks Man Utd
It is said that, at the dawn of time,
before there was anything, there was
just the gaping abyss of the Ginnun-
gagap. There, the
elements of lava and
frost slowly crept
across the noth-
ingness, until they
finally met in a vast
clash of heat and
cold that prompted
the Viking account of
the Big Bang. Ásatrú
cosmogony would
h a v e u s b e l i e v e
that a giant named
Ymir was the crea-
ture who emerged
from this melting
pot of creation—
a h er m a p h ro d i t e
giant who poured
forth children from
its armpits. We now
know, however, that
the figure who first
strode forth into the
universe was Gylfi
Sigurðsson.
Ol’ wing’d boots
was at it again last
weekend when he
inspired his Ever-
ton side to thrash
Ole Gunnar Solsk-
jaer’s undead zombie
demogorgon Man
Utd four-nil. Gylfi
w a s e v e r y w h e r e ;
w h e n h e w a s n’ t
darting down the
flanks and zinging
in crosses, he was
writhing through
the channels and
dinking it into the
box with the kind of
effortless dexterity
that will give Man Utd’s hapless defend-
ers nightmares. The cherry on the cake
was an arrowed shot that cut through
the back line, flashing past highly-rated
goalkeeper David De Gea before he could
even focus his eyes. The look of disbelief
of De Gea’s face said it all. That’s right
son—you’ve been smote. Welcome to
the thunderdome.
Injured Alfreð smites
scoring record from
the bench
Over on the European mainland, fleet-
footed striker Alfreð Finnbogason
has once more been struck down by
injury. As we understand it, the wound
to Alfreð’s calf tendon occurred when
Alfreð summoned a great Sea Eagle mid
game. As the beast swooped over the
pitch, he leapt onto the creature’s back,
leading the charge to save Augsburg’s
season with a booming rallying cry.
His fellow warriors were duly inspired,
pouring towards the VfB Stuttgart
defensive line; however, a stray arrow
caught Alfreð’s leg, ending his season.
This mighty champion has played
around half of Augsburg’s Bundesliga
matches this season—which makes it
all the more impressive that he leads the
club’s scoring chart with a ten-goal tally.
Supporters of the club have murmured
that their talismanic forward has such
a skill for finding the net that the ball
could bounce off him on the bench and
still go in. Between games, he will rest
in a specially constructed healing cave
beneath the Augsburg ground, recharg-
ing his tender tendon between the
chamber’s glowing crystal walls.
Sexy Rúrik
turns heads,
makes money
Despite the ultimately disappoint-
ing result of Iceland’s turbulent debut
World Cup campaign, hunky winger
Rúrik Gíslason continues to make head-
lines. It isn’t for his darting runs and
swooping crosses, however—it’s for
his sharp cheekbones, rugged jawline
and dreamy eyes. Rúrik, you see, is now
Iceland’s next top model. His model-
ling manager, Monika Kisterman, is a
fashion industry maven who has worked
with everyone from Naomi Campbell
to Dolce & Gabbana and Marc Jacobs.
Monika recently underlined her confi-
dence in Rúrik’s sexy magick, saying to
Stöð 2: “He is better than David Beck-
ham. His love is football but when he is
older he can work a lot in the interna-
tional modelling business.” So you can
expect to see the bronze Icelandic demi-
god gazing down at you from billboards
in his Y-fronts long into his old age.
Follow our live-tweets on match-
days on Twitter at @rvkgrapevine.
Iceland's indomitable and unstop-
pable march to the Euro 2020 trophy
will continue throughout 2019, as
Aron, Gylfi, Jóhann Berg and the boys
smite their way through all the conti-
nents of the world, laying waste to
any team foolish enough to step into
their terrible path to glory.
#IcelandSmites
“You can expect
to see Rúrik
gazing down
at you from
billboards in his
Y-fronts long
into old age.”
In The Beginning
Was The Word, And
The Word Was Gylfi
Sigurðsson smites Solskjaer’s simpering soldiers
Words: John Rogers Illustration: Lóa Hlín Hjálmtýsdóttir
FOOTBALL
10 The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 06— 2019