Reykjavík Grapevine - 06.12.2019, Page 38

38 The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 21— 2019
HORROR!SCOPES
THE CHRISTMAS
CANCER
Stay away from your drunk Hatari impression...
Words: The Reykj"vík Gr"pevine Spiritu"l Dept.
Photo: Art Bicnick
In HorrorScopes, the Grapevine’s
dedicated team of amateur astrolo-
gists breaks down your upcoming
weeks based on shit like your time
of birth.
Aries
Wait under the mistletoe
for your special someone.
You’re definitely not too ugly to
snatch a 10/10. Just kidding.
Taurus Chanukah is a holiday founded on the belief that
one drop of oil lasted for seven
days inside a dark temple, which
for some reason didn’t have win-
dows. Somehow this now trans-
lates into giving gifts every night?
Taurus, get back to your spiritual
roots and start reading the Tal-
mud. GeminiThere’s nothing more ro-mantic and high-produc-
tion-value than a Netflix Christ-
mas movie. Especially with a
personal bottle of Merlot. Werk.
Cancer
All you want for Christ-
mas… is the brand new
iPhone. When have you stopped
believing in love and turned to
consumerism? Hit up your old
high-school sweetheart instead
of crying in the shower and you’ll
be alright. Possibly.
LeoSpend New Year’s watch-ing ‘Dinner for One’—a
highly underrated and hilarious
film. Who needs to party when
you have the sweet company of your
imaginary friends?
Virgo
If you notice that there are
wet spoons in your cutlery
drawer on the 15th of December,
don’t be surprised—the Yule Lads
are real. Just kidding. But it doesn’t
hurt to check twice before having
your morning cereal. LibraIt’s difficult to get gifts for mothers-in-law. A
gym subscription will be the per-
fect thing to put her in her fuck-
ing place. ScorpioStop pretending to hate Ma r i a h C a rey ’s ic on ic
Christmas album and accept that
you’re just like every single hu-
man on this Earth and love it.
What present does one need other
than some crisp whistle tones?
None.
SagittariusDon’t be a Grinch, sure, but it’s also weird to pass
out candy canes and wear reindeer
sweaters to your work. Especially
if they are a “silly one” with Pickle
Rick on them. Wubbalubba-cringe-
dub... CapricornIf you’re afraid that Gr!la is going to eat you
because you sent a naughty text to
your ex-girlfriend, you’d better be!
She’s a fierce feminist. #GrylaToo
AquariusThere’s a chance you’ll get fired after doing
a Hatari impression in a fetish
Santa costume at your office’s
Christmas party. Stay away from
vodka-infused Malt og Appelsín
at all cost!!
Pisces After watching ‘Love Actually’ for the fifth
time you start to ask yourself
why you’re not dating a handsome
British prime minister yet. But
then you think of Boris Johnsson,
cringe, and let it go. It’s good to
be single.
CITY SHOT by Art Bicnick
WELL, YOU ASKED
Reynisfjara,
Dating, And
Bad Tourists
Words: Andie Fontaine
Photo: Art Bicnick
Got a problem that needs solving, a
burning issue that needs addressing, a
matter that needs settling, or a thirst
for awesome life advice? We at the
Grapevine are here to help.
Will I die if I go to Reynisfjara?
No one person can say when, exactly,
any one of us will die. Less philosophi-
cally, probably not. Literally all you
need to do is stay away from the surf
and stay on the main beach and you’ll
be alright, provided there isn’t a wind
storm. The folks who get hurt are typi-
cally the ones who get too close to the
water, or clamber onto the basalt col-
umns.
What is the dating scene like in Reyk-
javík?
This really depends on who you are.
Like if you’re straight and cis, the world
is your oyster, but if you’re queer, it may
be a bit trickier. Dating apps are popu-
lar, especially Tinder and Grindr, and
a lot of people are hooking up that way.
Why not go to some special interest
event from our Listings page and meet
some like-minded people and like, talk
to them?
Are you aware that not all tourists to
Iceland behave badly?
Yes, we are aware. You might get the
impression from our news coverage
that we think all tourists to Iceland
are behaving badly, but we only report
on those folks as a cautionary tale for
other prospective visitors. The vast ma-
jority of tourists are lovely people and
we welcome you back any time.
Send your unsolvable (UNTIL NOW) prob-
lems to grapevine@grapevine.is or tweet
us at @rvkgrapevine.
Go fish!
Epic mic drop.