Reykjavík Grapevine - jan. 2020, Blaðsíða 38

Reykjavík Grapevine - jan. 2020, Blaðsíða 38
38 The Reykjavík Grapevine Issue 01— 2020 HORROR!SCOPES New Year's ResoLeoTions Everyone loves a mandala tattoo... Words: The Reykj#vík Gr#pevine Spiritu#l Dept. Photo: Art Bicnick In HorrorScopes, the Grapevine’s dedicated team of amateur astrolo- gists breaks down your upcoming weeks based on garbage datapoints like your time of birth. Aries The Law Of Attraction states that if you send positive vibes out to the universe, the universe will respond in kind with blessings. We’re SURE this will cure your eczema. Taurus Stay the fuck away from the Golden Circle. GeminiMae West might be most well known for her raun- chy double entendrées, but she was also arrested for obscenity charges relating to her 1927 play ‘Sex.’ West knew the police were coming so she put on some lipstick and surround- ed herself with drag queens. The subsequent paparazzi photos went “1920s viral.” Tragedy will strike in 2020, Gemini, so you best turn it into publicity. Cancer Cancer, you are a strong, attractive, interesting, loving, and hysterical person. Stop texting your ex. He watches ‘The Big Bang Theory.’ LeoSo in 2019 you went vegan. In 2020, take the extra step and become ‘spiritual.’ Everyone loves a mandala tattoo. Virgo Nail-biting is not a proper diet, Virgo. January is the month to bring out the pepper nail polish and pretend it works until you catch yourself enjoying the punishing taste while you try to hang on to the feeling that every- thing is under control. It’s not. LibraHenry VIII’s oft-forgot-ten Catholic wife, Anne of Cleves, somehow secured an amicable annulment from the no- toriously unstable leader. She left the palace with a generous salary, two castles, and outlived almost everyone involved with Henry’s crazy AF life. Let Anne be your guide for 2020. By that, we mean, never consummate a marriage. ScorpioScorpio, 2020 spells disap-pointment. Sorry. You need to try less hard. Not that you're overdoing things, or controlling, it's just that with what's in the cards for you, any effort is wast- ed, save for the regular trip to the giant ice cream freezer in Hag- kaup Skeifan at 3 in the morning. Your only possible saving grace is spending all your money on lot- tery tickets. SagittariusIt’s time to reflect on the back pain that carrying a clown mask for all these years has put on you. Bury the clown, kick the clown, open up to the clown and be free. CapricornYes, Capricorn, every-one can tell you've been listening to too much Xanax rap even though you’re clearly not cool enough for that. You’re an accountant. AquariusOn New Year’s Eve you got trashed and shaved your head in the back alley of an under- ground club in Berlin…now what? Aquarius, no one is surprised. Pisces This is the year for bath-room breaks to stop be- ing crying breaks, Pisces. CITY SHOT by Art Bicnick WELL, YOU ASKED Dicks, Solari- ums And A Goldfish Words: Sveinbjörn Pálsson Photo: Jói Kjartans Got a problem that needs solving, a burn- ing issue that needs addressing, a matter that needs settling, or a thirst for awe- some life advice? We at the Grapevine are here to help. I’m haunted by the phrase “don’t be a dick,” as I am truly a “prick,” person- ality-wise. Do I get points for being the best “knob” that I can be, within the framework of a life lead as a natural “plonker”? - H. Sigurdsson (Freelance, Reykjavík) No. Tactlessness can be ascribed to impulsiveness, a personality trait con- nected to such medically recognised conditions as ADHD. However, flatu- lence can also stem from medical con- ditions, and it’s really nothing to be proud of. Except I strongly suspect that these two go hand in hand. I think that the solution is consent: both for proud fart-makers and lordly weenie-cere- brumites. Clubs can be set up where both kinds of hot air can be exchanged freely, with pleasure. When did visiting solariums stop being cool? - Anonymous (DJ, Reykjavík) !""#. This has nothing to do with rela- tive age, the fact that I turned !$ that year is an absolute coincidence. Is getting a goldfish morally defen- sible? - R. Flygenring (Artist, Reykjavík) According to veganism, no. All exploi- tation of animals is off the table. If you want a lively pet-something, your op- tions are one of those fly-eating plants, or getting a Tamagotchi off Bland.is. Technically the exploitation of flies is off the table, but since it’s a non-human doing the exploitation you'll be ok. Send your unsolvable (UNTIL NOW) prob- lems to grapevine@grapevine.is or tweet us at @rvkgrapevine. In 2020, we plan to smoke, drink, and raise our cholesterol Who doesn't like a little storm?

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