Reykjavík Grapevine - Jan 2020, Page 38

38 The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 01— 2020
HORROR!SCOPES
New Year's
ResoLeoTions
Everyone loves a mandala tattoo...
Words: The Reykj#vík Gr#pevine Spiritu#l Dept.
Photo: Art Bicnick
In HorrorScopes, the Grapevine’s
dedicated team of amateur astrolo-
gists breaks down your upcoming
weeks based on garbage datapoints
like your time of birth.
Aries
The Law Of Attraction
states that if you send
positive vibes out to the universe,
the universe will respond in kind
with blessings. We’re SURE this
will cure your eczema.
Taurus Stay the fuck away from the Golden Circle. GeminiMae West might be most well known for her raun-
chy double entendrées, but she was
also arrested for obscenity charges
relating to her 1927 play ‘Sex.’ West
knew the police were coming so she
put on some lipstick and surround-
ed herself with drag queens. The
subsequent paparazzi photos went
“1920s viral.” Tragedy will strike in
2020, Gemini, so you best turn it
into publicity.
Cancer
Cancer, you are a strong,
attractive, interesting,
loving, and hysterical person.
Stop texting your ex. He watches
‘The Big Bang Theory.’
LeoSo in 2019 you went vegan. In 2020, take the
extra step and become ‘spiritual.’
Everyone loves a mandala tattoo.
Virgo
Nail-biting is not a proper
diet, Virgo. January is the
month to bring out the pepper nail
polish and pretend it works until
you catch yourself enjoying the
punishing taste while you try to
hang on to the feeling that every-
thing is under control. It’s not.
LibraHenry VIII’s oft-forgot-ten Catholic wife, Anne
of Cleves, somehow secured an
amicable annulment from the no-
toriously unstable leader. She left
the palace with a generous salary,
two castles, and outlived almost
everyone involved with Henry’s
crazy AF life. Let Anne be your
guide for 2020. By that, we mean,
never consummate a marriage. ScorpioScorpio, 2020 spells disap-pointment. Sorry. You need
to try less hard. Not that you're
overdoing things, or controlling,
it's just that with what's in the
cards for you, any effort is wast-
ed, save for the regular trip to the
giant ice cream freezer in Hag-
kaup Skeifan at 3 in the morning.
Your only possible saving grace is
spending all your money on lot-
tery tickets.
SagittariusIt’s time to reflect on the back pain that carrying a
clown mask for all these years has
put on you. Bury the clown, kick the
clown, open up to the clown and
be free. CapricornYes, Capricorn, every-one can tell you've been
listening to too much Xanax rap
even though you’re clearly not
cool enough for that. You’re an
accountant.
AquariusOn New Year’s Eve you got trashed and shaved your
head in the back alley of an under-
ground club in Berlin…now what?
Aquarius, no one is surprised.
Pisces This is the year for bath-room breaks to stop be-
ing crying breaks, Pisces.
CITY SHOT by Art Bicnick
WELL, YOU ASKED
Dicks, Solari-
ums And A
Goldfish
Words: Sveinbjörn Pálsson
Photo: Jói Kjartans
Got a problem that needs solving, a burn-
ing issue that needs addressing, a matter
that needs settling, or a thirst for awe-
some life advice? We at the Grapevine are
here to help.
I’m haunted by the phrase “don’t be a
dick,” as I am truly a “prick,” person-
ality-wise. Do I get points for being the
best “knob” that I can be, within the
framework of a life lead as a natural
“plonker”?
- H. Sigurdsson (Freelance, Reykjavík)
No. Tactlessness can be ascribed to
impulsiveness, a personality trait con-
nected to such medically recognised
conditions as ADHD. However, flatu-
lence can also stem from medical con-
ditions, and it’s really nothing to be
proud of. Except I strongly suspect that
these two go hand in hand. I think that
the solution is consent: both for proud
fart-makers and lordly weenie-cere-
brumites. Clubs can be set up where
both kinds of hot air can be exchanged
freely, with pleasure.
When did visiting solariums stop being
cool? - Anonymous (DJ, Reykjavík)
!""#. This has nothing to do with rela-
tive age, the fact that I turned !$ that
year is an absolute coincidence.
Is getting a goldfish morally defen-
sible? - R. Flygenring (Artist, Reykjavík)
According to veganism, no. All exploi-
tation of animals is off the table. If you
want a lively pet-something, your op-
tions are one of those fly-eating plants,
or getting a Tamagotchi off Bland.is.
Technically the exploitation of flies is
off the table, but since it’s a non-human
doing the exploitation you'll be ok.

Send your unsolvable (UNTIL NOW) prob-
lems to grapevine@grapevine.is or tweet
us at @rvkgrapevine.
In 2020, we plan to smoke, drink, and raise our cholesterol
Who doesn't like a little storm?