Reykjavík Grapevine - feb. 2020, Blaðsíða 38

38 The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 02— 2020
HORROR!SCOPES
OH, YOU’RE
A YOUTUBER
NOW?
COOOOOL…
Hey, they make more money than the Grapevine
editorial staff
Words: H!nn!h J!ne Cohen, !n !m!teur !strology vlogger
In HorrorScopes, the Grapevine’s
dedicated team of amateur vlog-
ger astrologists break down your
upcoming weeks based on shit like
featured creator badges at TanaCon.
Aries
Lele Pons isn’t funny.
Lilly Singh is a bisexual
woman of colour. Epstein didn’t
kill himself. Some things are just
true. So reflect, Aries, what does
it really mean that WatchMojo is
consistently in your recommended
videos?
Taurus Quitting your job to be-come an “edgy” YouTu-
ber in the year 2020 is a bold
move. Just know that no matter
how many Hair Cakes you cook
or beers you brew using vaginal
bacteria, you will literally never
be monetized. Thanks Susan. GeminiStop vaping. You’ll never be a part of the VAPE NAYSH
Y’AAAALLLLLLL, but you might
die of lung cancer. Still, we appreci-
ate ya. So take the money you save,
buy a mobility scooter, and make
sure it’s s just the right height—no
bucket required.
Cancer
STORYTIME: YOUR BOY-
FRIEND IS A WHITE NA-
TIONALIST (GETS SEXUAL) 18+
LeoWe know you think your 2020 will be like Shane
Dawson’s 2018, and maybe it will
be. Only way to know? Chug a Diet
Coke and call *cue the music* Erika
Costell.
Virgo
Follow your intuition and
use the month of February
to unsubscribe from Keemstar.
Do you really care about a guy who
flaunts his friendship with Faze-
Banks? Uhh… no, thank you. LibraLook Libra, we’re not proud of it, but we en-
courage your fantasies about
A l i n it y. T here’s someth i ng
strangely alluring about a woman
who feeds her cat vodka while try-
ing to copy strike Pewdiepie. It’s
like BDSM, but embarrassing. ScorpioIf only you videotaped the time you ate the entire Mc-
Donald’s menu alone in your car,
Scorpio, maybe then you could
have been the next Nicholas Perry.
So take this February to practise
your mukbang depression-meals.
You won’t die alone.
SagittariusThe hottest drama of 2019 was between Tati West-
brook and James Charles. Sag, stop
lying to yourself: You totally got
off on watching Charles’s subs fall
tens of thousands by the second
on Socialblade. Hey, someone call
Shane Dawson—I think we found
a sociopath! CapricornCapricorn, it’s natural to be confused about
where you stand with Pewdiepie.
Are you a 9 year old? A 19-year-
old? Part of the bro army? Or just
a Vox journalist who likes to take
quotes out of context and call peo-
ple Nazis? Well, it doesn’t matter
now. Pewdie-bye.
AquariusJust accept it: iDubbbz wil l never come out
with a new Content Cop. You’ll
just have to make due re-watch-
ing “Asian Jake Paul” a thousand
times and crying. But look on the
bright side: At least you’ve got a
chin.
Pisces Irrelevant.
CITY SHOT by Art Bicnick
WELL, YOU ASKED
Anne Of
Cleves, The
Icon

Words: Hannah Jane Cohen
Photo: Lovísa Sigurjónsdóttir
im 13. im not like other girls who like
billie eilish and lil pump i listen to un-
derground real music like queen and
lead zeppelin. how can I prove to my
college age boyfriend that I’m not some
basic bitch??
Wow! You’re !" dating a college-age
boy? You must be really mature and
an old soul. Impress your totally-not-
creepy boytoy by quoting Harley Quinn
and sending him memes from the we-
barchive of #chan circa $%%&. Also—
make sure to alert your mom about this
true love. She’ll be so impressed.
Who was the best of Henry VIII’s wives?
Anne of Cleves might be an unusual
answer, but it’s the correct one. Any-
one who amicably parted with ya boi
Henry—especially after famously re-
buking him upon first meeting when
he dressed up like a peasant to seduce
her and she merely looked upon his dis-
gusting disease-riddled body in hor-
ror—is obviously an astute woman.
Post-annulment, Anne was given a
generous settlement. She then became
the richest woman in England, never
remarried, and spent her days playing
cards, wearing jewels, and attempting
to cook. That, kids, is why you never get
a prenup.
They’re currently making a ‘The Crow’
reboot. Who would you cast as Eric
Draven?
Pete Davidson. With his skinny, mus-
cle-less body and goofy aloof demean-
our, he’d look more like an ICP extra in
that facepaint than a goth superhero.
What better way to say fuck you to
movie studios who want to dance on
Brandon Lee’s grave (RIP) with anoth-
er stupid re-make? On that note, let’s
crowdfund a remake of ‘Vertigo’ and
cast Kathryn Heigl and The Rock. How
does it feel, Hollywood? Downtown Reykjavík. Which way to the pu"n shops?