Reykjavík Grapevine - jún. 2020, Blaðsíða 38

Reykjavík Grapevine - jún. 2020, Blaðsíða 38
38 The Reykjavík Grapevine Issue 04— 2020 HORROR!SCOPES In Space, Terrorism Is Great! And JJ Abrams should direct it! Words: H#nn#h J#ne Cohen & Poppy Askh#m, "#strologers" In Horror-Scopes, the Grapevine’s dedicated team of amateur astrolo- gists break down your upcoming weeks based on shit like the Illumi- nati references in all the “movies” we watched “during quarantine.” Aries Here’s a thought: Some- times terrorists are right! Especially if they are following the advice of former cult leaders whose lost philosophy once led to the murder of children by a deranged ex-member! In space, everything’s cool. Including incest. Taurus A diagnosis of cancer sig-nals an upcoming meeting with your true love. Who will live? Who will die? As per the rules of drama, definitely one of you. GeminiWe get that you want some bling, Gemini, but steal- ing is not the way to go. Trust us: If you plunder that piece of jewel- lery you want, it’s not only going to take a looooooong time to re- turn, but there will probably be a ton of peasant casualties along the way. Expect the destruction of thousand-year-old creatures, the creation of a new hybrid-species, and potentially multiple violent regime changes. On a totally dif- ferent note, keep in regular contact with those birds you met. Cancer Don’t let your love of turk- ish delight keep you in the closet, Cancer. Be proud! LeoSoon you’ll be put in the position to choose whether to fuck an elderly virgin corpse or a sexy ripped dog. Fol- low your instincts, of course, but regardless of what you choose, the sexy ripped dog will eventually fuck your daughter. You’ll be eerily ok with it. Virgo Don’t trust rich girls. Sure they make great artistic muses, but they never share. Hope you’re good at swimming... LibraYou know what would be really great? If you sued the entire human race for specie- sism. Honey is the product of an inherently exploitative capital- ist system. Being vegan just isn’t enough these days. Also, do you like jazz? ScorpioBotany will pay off one day, Scorpio. In the meantime, learn how to cook potatoes. SagittariusWhat on Earth will you spend your fortune on, Sagittarius? Here’s an idea: In- dulge your love of cosplay and do your best to stop the creepy clown epidemic. CapricornStockholm syndrome might not be the most palpable method of seducing your beloved, Capricorn, but it’s totally an effective one. Here’s our advice: Restock your library, discipline your household staff to prevent her departure, and get your suit tailored for the inevitable first kiss. It’ll no doubt be magical. AquariusWhat if that teacher that bullied you and your friends all throughout high school was actually just in love with your dead mother? That would definitely justify years of emotional abuse right? Oh and those relatives that forced you to live in a cupboard? Yeah they were just doing it out of respect for her too. Thanks mom. Pisces Do it: Name your kid af-ter a piece of bread. CITY SHOT by Art Bicnick WELL, YOU ASKED Surrogat- ing Your Succulent Words: Nico Borbely I don’t know what to do with my !""k Harry Potter slash fanfics now that J.K. Rowling has come out as a TERF. Help me, Grapevine! Keep them! Expand them! Build your story, make the universe your own. Make it as gay or as anything else as you want! Be the change you wish to see in the (wizarding) world. J.K. Rowl- ing may have created the Harry Pot- ter universe, but your imaginings are yours to manage, develop and preserve as you wish. And you’re not alone in your disappointment with the author: Daniel Radcliffe came out in support of the trans community as well, showing love really is the only way to defeat big- otry—and the Dark Lord. (Sometimes it really feels like the actors got their characters better than she did, no?) How can I be a good parental figure to my houseplants? Be warm, but stern when needed. Hang their art up on the fridge and tell them they did a good job. Compliment their photosynthetic progress. Be encourag- ing, but don’t spoil them. And although people tend to shy away from giving children caffeine, coffee beans in their soil will help them grow. My cat suffers from seasonal depres- sion. Any advice on living with a for- lorn feline? Catnip, catnip, more catnip, and a little dash of extra catnip. Keep your stash of that good kitty kush well-stocked and send your feline friend on a magi- cal journey surfing over rainbows and noshing on grade-A chow with the Ben- gal hunk of their dreams. Bonus points if they can spot, or better yet, kick it with Bastet, the ancient Egyptian cat goddess of the home (whose sacred status modern cats seem to think still applies to them). I don't like sand. It's all coarse, and rough, and irritating. And it gets everywhere.

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