Reykjavík Grapevine - jun. 2020, Side 38

38 The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 04— 2020
HORROR!SCOPES
In Space,
Terrorism
Is Great!
And JJ Abrams should direct it!
Words: H#nn#h J#ne Cohen & Poppy Askh#m, "#strologers"
In Horror-Scopes, the Grapevine’s
dedicated team of amateur astrolo-
gists break down your upcoming
weeks based on shit like the Illumi-
nati references in all the “movies”
we watched “during quarantine.”
Aries
Here’s a thought: Some-
times terrorists are right!
Especially if they are following the
advice of former cult leaders whose
lost philosophy once led to the
murder of children by a deranged
ex-member! In space, everything’s
cool. Including incest.
Taurus A diagnosis of cancer sig-nals an upcoming meeting
with your true love. Who will live?
Who will die? As per the rules of
drama, definitely one of you. GeminiWe get that you want some bling, Gemini, but steal-
ing is not the way to go. Trust us:
If you plunder that piece of jewel-
lery you want, it’s not only going
to take a looooooong time to re-
turn, but there will probably be
a ton of peasant casualties along
the way. Expect the destruction of
thousand-year-old creatures, the
creation of a new hybrid-species,
and potentially multiple violent
regime changes. On a totally dif-
ferent note, keep in regular contact
with those birds you met.
Cancer
Don’t let your love of turk-
ish delight keep you in the
closet, Cancer. Be proud!
LeoSoon you’ll be put in the position to choose
whether to fuck an elderly virgin
corpse or a sexy ripped dog. Fol-
low your instincts, of course, but
regardless of what you choose, the
sexy ripped dog will eventually fuck
your daughter. You’ll be eerily ok
with it.
Virgo
Don’t trust rich girls. Sure
they make great artistic
muses, but they never share. Hope
you’re good at swimming... LibraYou know what would be really great? If you sued
the entire human race for specie-
sism. Honey is the product of an
inherently exploitative capital-
ist system. Being vegan just isn’t
enough these days. Also, do you
like jazz? ScorpioBotany will pay off one day, Scorpio. In the meantime,
learn how to cook potatoes.
SagittariusWhat on Earth will you spend your fortune on,
Sagittarius? Here’s an idea: In-
dulge your love of cosplay and do
your best to stop the creepy clown
epidemic. CapricornStockholm syndrome might not be the most
palpable method of seducing your
beloved, Capricorn, but it’s totally
an effective one. Here’s our advice:
Restock your library, discipline
your household staff to prevent
her departure, and get your suit
tailored for the inevitable first
kiss. It’ll no doubt be magical.
AquariusWhat if that teacher that bullied you and
your friends all throughout high
school was actually just in love
with your dead mother? That
would definitely justify years of
emotional abuse right? Oh and
those relatives that forced you to
live in a cupboard? Yeah they were
just doing it out of respect for her
too. Thanks mom.
Pisces Do it: Name your kid af-ter a piece of bread.
CITY SHOT by Art Bicnick
WELL, YOU ASKED
Surrogat-
ing Your
Succulent

Words: Nico Borbely
I don’t know what to do with my !""k
Harry Potter slash fanfics now that
J.K. Rowling has come out as a TERF.
Help me, Grapevine!
Keep them! Expand them! Build your
story, make the universe your own.
Make it as gay or as anything else as
you want! Be the change you wish to
see in the (wizarding) world. J.K. Rowl-
ing may have created the Harry Pot-
ter universe, but your imaginings are
yours to manage, develop and preserve
as you wish. And you’re not alone in
your disappointment with the author:
Daniel Radcliffe came out in support of
the trans community as well, showing
love really is the only way to defeat big-
otry—and the Dark Lord. (Sometimes
it really feels like the actors got their
characters better than she did, no?)
How can I be a good parental figure
to my houseplants?
Be warm, but stern when needed. Hang
their art up on the fridge and tell them
they did a good job. Compliment their
photosynthetic progress. Be encourag-
ing, but don’t spoil them. And although
people tend to shy away from giving
children caffeine, coffee beans in their
soil will help them grow.
My cat suffers from seasonal depres-
sion. Any advice on living with a for-
lorn feline?
Catnip, catnip, more catnip, and a little
dash of extra catnip. Keep your stash
of that good kitty kush well-stocked
and send your feline friend on a magi-
cal journey surfing over rainbows and
noshing on grade-A chow with the Ben-
gal hunk of their dreams. Bonus points
if they can spot, or better yet, kick it
with Bastet, the ancient Egyptian cat
goddess of the home (whose sacred
status modern cats seem to think still
applies to them). I don't like sand. It's all coarse, and rough, and irritating. And it gets everywhere.