Reykjavík Grapevine - ágú. 2021, Blaðsíða 31

Reykjavík Grapevine - ágú. 2021, Blaðsíða 31
HORROR!SCOPES Post-Covid CALAMITY! Words: Tot"l Astrology Experts Alin" & H"nn"h J"ne The amateur astrologers of the Grapevine were having a blast in the post-COVID cosmos until Delta struck. But how will you do when this all inevitably ends? The stars speak. Aries Aries… There’s a limit to how much people want to hear you bitch about how miserable your COVID experience was. Everyone was there. Literally everyone in the world experi- enced the pandemic and most others didn’t have Netflix, Disney+, Hulu, Amazon Prime and HBOMax subscriptions. Use your empathy. We know you have it in you. Taurus It’s a shame your sourdough starter didn’t survive the pandemic, but we admire your courage in the face of adversity. Use this opportunity to start a new life, for there’s a lot of other options out there. A kombucha scoby perhaps? Gemini It’s natural to feel confused in this new NEW normal. Are you supposed to hug people? For a Gemini, that’s a daily struggle. Please, don’t feel pressured to show the affection you’ve always lacked in your cold, dark soul. Others can sense the insincerity and, to be frank, it’s off-putting af. Cancer Well… despite being vaxxed you ended up the unlucky one who got COVID after restrictions were lifted. Our constellations recom- mend you stay away from Insta- gram and Twitter this month to protect your mental health. No one wants to see others dancing in a club while you sit on your sofa and cough. Leo Finally! It’s safe to hold a karaoke mic. Wow the crowd with your “Wuthering Heights” interpretation, complete with the original choreography. Virgo Take a deep breath. We all know the past year has stressed you out like nothing before. You have been carrying around spe- cial hazard masks, five different hand-sanitizers and even ended up brewing one in your base- ment because you didn’t trust the store bought varieties. Being around people stresses you out and you’d love to go into another lockdown so you can go back to munching frozen pizza on your crusty couch. Life’s back, so get out of your comfort zone ASAP. Libra As always, you’re somewhere in the middle. After going to therapy during the day to cope with the return of social interactions, you’re back in the cocktail bars drinking away your sorrow and anxiety. While listening to your trusty govern- ment, you can’t quite shut out the anti-vaxxers and are always on the verge of making your own rules. But hey—try to relax and stop being awkward. Scorpio The reason you haven’t received any party invites isn’t because they aren’t happening. Sagittarius Well it took about two hours after your Jansen vax for you to totally forget about the past year and re- sume your reckless behaviour of kissing people on the cheek and taking puffs of stranger’s ciga- rettes. We’d recommend watch- ing out for the Delta variant, but knowing the charmed luck of Sags (despite being fucking idi- ots) we bet you’ll be fine. Can’t say the same for Virgos. Capricorn Hide. The stars urge it. Aquarius It’s an understatement to say that people are excited to finally see some live music again. Take advantage of this by forming the solo post-brutal tech death project you’ve always dreamed of. Pisces We’re ethereal all-knowing be- ings, Pisces. We see the bottles of hand-sanitizer in your purse and watch you discreetly apply- ing them under the table after you’re socially pressured into shaking someone’s hand. Wel- come to your new life. There’s a lot of conspiracy Facebook groups we think you’d love. WELL, YOU ASKED German Invasion! Words: Alina Maurer A German answers some questions from Germans. Stupid questions call for stupid answers. But well, you asked... I’m a German tourist and currently in Iceland. I don’t want it to be obvi- ous that I’m not from here. How can I fit in? Well, just the fact that you’re of Ger- man descent is going to make it dif- ficult. Not sure if it’s a certain look or behaviour, but recognizing us is quite easy. It’s all about the money for Ger- man creatures, so the first step to blend in is not being cheap. I know it’s hard. But Iceland is not a Turkish haggle market; you cannot succeed. Icelanders are sneaky enough to rip you off, while making you believe you made a good deal. One more thing, don’t you dare smuggle your own German food just to save some pennies. Broaden your Pretzel-horizon and try something new—you can have your wurst at home. Here, we eat pylsur. Step two for passing as an Icelander: Stop using tissues and start snorting mucus up your nose—best if it comes with a distinct sound. Also, always start your sentences with “Heyr!u” and loudly blurt out “Ha” if you didn’t quite catch something. Lastly, no hiking attire is allowed on Laugavegur. To be clear, the one downtown. There will be no avalanches or heavy river crossings on the main shopping street. Leave your “Jack Wolf- skin'' outfit at home—it is neither cool, nor stylish and never will be. Why do I need to shower naked at the Icelandic pools? I don’t like being naked around strangers. Toughen up. Nobody is gonna look at you because everybody is too busy deal- ing with their own insecurities. Get over it and just freaking clean yourself. Nobody wants to sit in the same hot tub as you, when you’re crusty and haven’t cleaned your butt in a few days. If you still try to disobey, the pool shower guard might find you as they check for naughty tourists. They will yell at you, while Icelanders look with a disapprov- ing look. It’s not worth it, buddy. shop.grapevine.is shop.grapevine.is shop.grapevine.is shop.grapevine.is* shop.grapevine.isshop.grapevine.is Get Grapevine Merch! Don't Hesitate! Act Now! * You only need to type the URL in once 31The Reykjavík Grapevine Issue 08— 2021 CITY SHOT by Art Bicnick

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