Reykjavík Grapevine - ágú. 2021, Blaðsíða 31

HORROR!SCOPES
Post-Covid CALAMITY!
Words: Tot"l Astrology Experts Alin" & H"nn"h J"ne
The amateur astrologers of the
Grapevine were having a blast
in the post-COVID cosmos until
Delta struck. But how will you do
when this all inevitably ends? The
stars speak.
Aries
Aries… There’s a limit to how
much people want to hear you
bitch about how miserable
your COVID experience was.
Everyone was there. Literally
everyone in the world experi-
enced the pandemic and most
others didn’t have Netflix,
Disney+, Hulu, Amazon Prime
and HBOMax subscriptions.
Use your empathy. We know you
have it in you.
Taurus
It’s a shame your sourdough
starter didn’t survive the
pandemic, but we admire your
courage in the face of adversity.
Use this opportunity to start a
new life, for there’s a lot of other
options out there. A kombucha
scoby perhaps?
Gemini
It’s natural to feel confused in
this new NEW normal. Are you
supposed to hug people? For a
Gemini, that’s a daily struggle.
Please, don’t feel pressured to
show the affection you’ve always
lacked in your cold, dark soul.
Others can sense the insincerity
and, to be frank, it’s off-putting
af.

Cancer
Well… despite being vaxxed you
ended up the unlucky one who
got COVID after restrictions were
lifted. Our constellations recom-
mend you stay away from Insta-
gram and Twitter this month to
protect your mental health. No
one wants to see others dancing
in a club while you sit on your sofa
and cough.
Leo
Finally! It’s safe to hold a
karaoke mic. Wow the crowd
with your “Wuthering Heights”
interpretation, complete with
the original choreography.
Virgo
Take a deep breath. We all know
the past year has stressed you
out like nothing before. You
have been carrying around spe-
cial hazard masks, five different
hand-sanitizers and even ended
up brewing one in your base-
ment because you didn’t trust
the store bought varieties. Being
around people stresses you out
and you’d love to go into another
lockdown so you can go back to
munching frozen pizza on your
crusty couch. Life’s back, so get
out of your comfort zone ASAP.
Libra
As always, you’re somewhere
in the middle. After going
to therapy during the day to
cope with the return of social
interactions, you’re back in the
cocktail bars drinking away
your sorrow and anxiety. While
listening to your trusty govern-
ment, you can’t quite shut out
the anti-vaxxers and are always
on the verge of making your
own rules. But hey—try to relax
and stop being awkward.
Scorpio
The reason you haven’t received
any party invites isn’t because
they aren’t happening.
Sagittarius
Well it took about two hours after
your Jansen vax for you to totally
forget about the past year and re-
sume your reckless behaviour of
kissing people on the cheek and
taking puffs of stranger’s ciga-
rettes. We’d recommend watch-
ing out for the Delta variant, but
knowing the charmed luck of
Sags (despite being fucking idi-
ots) we bet you’ll be fine. Can’t say
the same for Virgos.
Capricorn
Hide. The stars urge it.
Aquarius
It’s an understatement to say
that people are excited to finally
see some live music again. Take
advantage of this by forming
the solo post-brutal tech death
project you’ve always dreamed
of.
Pisces
We’re ethereal all-knowing be-
ings, Pisces. We see the bottles
of hand-sanitizer in your purse
and watch you discreetly apply-
ing them under the table after
you’re socially pressured into
shaking someone’s hand. Wel-
come to your new life. There’s
a lot of conspiracy Facebook
groups we think you’d love.
WELL, YOU ASKED
German Invasion!

Words: Alina Maurer
A German answers some questions from
Germans. Stupid questions call for stupid
answers. But well, you asked...
I’m a German tourist and currently
in Iceland. I don’t want it to be obvi-
ous that I’m not from here. How can
I fit in?
Well, just the fact that you’re of Ger-
man descent is going to make it dif-
ficult. Not sure if it’s a certain look or
behaviour, but recognizing us is quite
easy. It’s all about the money for Ger-
man creatures, so the first step to blend
in is not being cheap. I know it’s hard.
But Iceland is not a Turkish haggle
market; you cannot succeed. Icelanders
are sneaky enough to rip you off, while
making you believe you made a good
deal. One more thing, don’t you dare
smuggle your own German food just
to save some pennies. Broaden your
Pretzel-horizon and try something
new—you can have your wurst at home.
Here, we eat pylsur.
Step two for passing as an Icelander:
Stop using tissues and start snorting
mucus up your nose—best if it comes
with a distinct sound. Also, always
start your sentences with “Heyr!u” and
loudly blurt out “Ha” if you didn’t quite
catch something.
Lastly, no hiking attire is allowed
on Laugavegur. To be clear, the one
downtown. There will be no avalanches
or heavy river crossings on the main
shopping street. Leave your “Jack Wolf-
skin'' outfit at home—it is neither cool,
nor stylish and never will be.
Why do I need to shower naked at
the Icelandic pools? I don’t like being
naked around strangers.
Toughen up. Nobody is gonna look at
you because everybody is too busy deal-
ing with their own insecurities. Get
over it and just freaking clean yourself.
Nobody wants to sit in the same hot tub
as you, when you’re crusty and haven’t
cleaned your butt in a few days. If you
still try to disobey, the pool shower
guard might find you as they check for
naughty tourists. They will yell at you,
while Icelanders look with a disapprov-
ing look. It’s not worth it, buddy.
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31The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 08— 2021
CITY SHOT by Art Bicnick