Reykjavík Grapevine - apr. 2022, Síða 31

HORROR!SCOPES
Easter Edition
Don’t blame us–the stars don’t lie
Words: Josie Anne Gaitens & Andie Sophi" Font"ine
This month’s horoscope has an Easter theme. If you’re not familiar with
this holiday, it’s when the Easter Bunny was crucified and sealed in a giant
egg for three days before emerging again to ascend to the North Pole. It’s
true. Look it up if you don’t believe us.
Aries
For a festive twist, consider chang-
ing out the enormous ‘JET FUEL
CAN’T MELT STEEL BEAMS’ flag
that hangs from your window for
one that reads ‘RABBITS DON’T
LAY CHOCOLATE EGGS’.
Taurus
(Youth pastor voice): Let me tell
you about another “weird guy”
with long hair and a lot of “crazy
ideas” about peace and love. His
name is Alan Moore. You should
follow his example and spend
more time on your writing.
Gemini
Oh my GOD for the last freakin
time, we KNOW Easter used to be a
pagan holiday shut up already jeez.
Cancer
In April you read that the Pareto
principle states that roughly 80%
of outcomes come from 20% of
causes. “Interesting,” you murmur
indistinctly, as you stare bleakly
at the 6,400 marshmallow chicks
strewn around your room after
only being able to eat 1,600 from
your original purchase.
Leo
Scholars of early Christianity point
out that there were more denomi-
nations of Christianity in the first
century than there are now. This
included the writing of numer-
ous gospels that never made the
final cut into the Holy Bible, as
they were declared heretical by
the Council of Nicea. One of those
was the Gospel of Mary, a Sethian
Gnostic text which contended that
Jesus actually taught the true Word
of God to Mary Magdalene, who in
turn was supposed to be the real
leader of the One True Church.
There’s no lesson to be learned
from this; we just think it’s a cool
fact.
Virgo
Yeah, sure, you know it’s great
that we don’t have crucifixions
anymore. But what about the poor
cross-builders? Who's thinking
about them in all this? Have they
unionised? You sincerely hope so.
Libra
Another important story from
the Bible can teach us a lot about
how you should continue to take
the pandemic seriously. The mask
mandate may be lifted, and social
gathering restrictions no longer
apply, but you would do well to
keep washing your hands.
Scorpio
Judas Iscariot gets a bad rep for
betraying Jesus for 30 pieces of
silver, but do you know how much
that would be in today’s money?
Let’s look it up.. Just over $440??
Wow, yeah, fuck that guy.
Sagittarius
This time last year you and your
ex were eggs-tremely in love. Now,
you could say, she’s just some-
bunny that you used to know.

Capricorn
Congratulations Capricorn! You’re
blessed to share your star sign with
the one and only Jesus Christ—
and we all know things turned out
great for him. Just stay away from
nails this month, maybe.
Aquarius
Speaking of Jesus, you should
spend this holiday weekend sealed
in your tomb-like room, only to
emerge late on Sunday.

Pisces
Take a lesson from the Good Book
and refrain from dropping hot
takes that are going to get you
crucified (on Twitter).
WELL, YOU ASKED
Environmental
Disaster Edition
Words: Josie Anne Gaitens
Why aren’t there more wind farms
in Iceland?
Wow, are you sick? At The Reykjavík
Grapevine we are deeply against inten-
sive farming practices. Are you really
saying you want to capture, enclose,
and force different winds to breed with
each other, just for human consump-
tion? Truly, we are appalled.
That is definitely the main and real
reason, but as a side note Iceland has
historically produced enough of its
energy through hydro and geothermal
sources, and so hasn’t invested in wind
turbines.
***
Why doesn’t the Icelandic govern-
ment introduce species like deer
and its predator, the grey wolf? That
would accelerate the growth of plants
and the forest.
We actually already have some intro-
duced species in Iceland. Some of them,
like the reindeer population in the east
of the country, have been mostly harm-
less, and have not built up in enough
numbers to cause significant ecological
damage. American mink, on the other
hand, have bred like wildfire, decimated
populations of wild, ground nesting
birds, and seem impossible to eradicate.
The moral of the story is this: if it’s
fine, don’t mess with it. We don’t actu-
ally have the god-given right to try and
“fix” every environmental “problem”
that we see. Nobody gave us a badge
and declared us “captains of making
everything the way we want it forever,”
despite how much our actions might
seem to suggest otherwise. God,
humans are the worst.
***
It looks like !"% of your buildings
will be underwater when the ice caps
melt, have you thought about this?
As if I don’t think about this EVERY DAY,
pal. Why do you think I’m like this?
EXPLORE UNSEEN ICELAND
ON THE ULTIMATE FLYING RIDE
31The Reykjavík Grapevine
Issue 04— 2022
CITY SHOT by Art Bicnick
Kisses and defiance from Lviv