Reykjavík Grapevine - 03.12.2004, Blaðsíða 22

METAPHYSICS
YOU’RE SUCH AN ASSHOLE
and other phrases lost in translation
by Michelle Mitchell
”He is such, an asshole” I repeated each word slowly, re translating them, over and over again. Yet
no matter how abstract mindedly I thought, there was no way around concluding that the woman who
had just walked in to the coffee shop, with a huge smile plastered across her face, had bent down over a
tiny baby and called it an ASSHOLE... not just a simple ASSHOLE but “very much” an ASSHOLE!
(hann er so mikið rassgat). This, of course, is considered a compliment here.
My eavesdropping took place in a
cozy coffee shop. I’m glad we still
have the choice between entering a
smoky coffee shop in order to smoke
it out even more, or to head for a
smoke free one to listen to kids and
crying babies.
Now the ‘kids’ I’m talking about
aren’t the little ones sitting
awkwardly on their chairs mashing
up slices of a very expensive
chocolate cake under the watchful
eye of their mothers. I could make
a whole Betty Crocker Devil food
cake for the price of that slice...now
eat it or pass it here! The kids I’m
referring to are the ones Kalli Bjarni,
the winner of Pop Idol Iceland,
familiarized me with just the other
day. I was watching the idiot box
when Pop Idol Extra came on. Kalli
Bjarni was there commenting on this
seasons contestants. He was saying
things like “the kids are great this
season” See how stressed the kids
are, I can remember how I felt and
these kids must feel the same way”.
I thought him a tad condescending
referring to teenagers and people
roughly the same age as himself as
“kids.” I was later enlightened to the
fact that it was just fine and dandy to
refer to them as kids and that it had
no derogative content whatsoever.
Are these the people Kyle Minogue
and Robbie Williams don´t mind
doing it for?
Anyway, all this Kids stuff got me
wondering if the young of this
volcanic island, the 22, 23, 24 year
olds are happily hanging onto their
youthful sounding classification of
“kids” because it’s not as malicious as
being “á þrítugsaldri,” which sounds
like your in your 30´s. I thought I
was in my thirties. It was a nasty
surprise to hear that here I am á
fertugsaldri, which sounds like I´m
in my 40´s. Which is almost reason
enough to leave, krakkar mínir.
DOES MOUTH TOBACCO TURN YOU INTO A SEXUAL
TYRANNOSAURUS?
Upon encountering the young Icelandic male, don’t be shocked as
he reaches into his pocket and brings out a syringe. And don’t assume
that his swollen upper lip results from a fight or handball injury.
His addiction: mouth tobacco.
People who know little about using
“mouth tobacco” in the U.S. refer to
all of it as “chew.” Chew or chewing
tobacco consists of tender shredded
leaves soaked in various syrups and
molasses and packaged loose in
a pouch. A chew is placed in the
cheek in a golf ball-sized wad, may
indeed be chomped on and produces
thick, dark spit which must be
expelled from the mouth with great
force. Most folks know it only from
baseball and cowboy westerns. As an
American, my challenge in answer
to any Icelander who would taunt
foreigners with rotten shark or lamb
face is this... Get you a big ole chew!
While I don’t guarantee, as Jessie
Ventura does in Predator, that it will
make you a “sexual Tyrannosaurus,” I
do believe it will make the room spin
violently and likely cause vomiting
on first attempt. We need not
concern ourselves further with chew
here. What Icelanders need is the
freedom to dip snuff.
In popular American use, a dip of
snuff is pinched out of a hockey
puck-shaped can and shoved
between the teeth and the bottom
lip. This is followed by much spitting
and what remains is dug out and
flicked away, usually within an hour.
The Icelandic way is a bit more
involved and, if it applies at all to
the subject, sophisticated. I think it
holds some parallel to the Icelandic
aversion to eating with your hands.
While most Americans simply grab
up a hamburger or slice of pizza,
many Icelanders approach this food
with knife and fork. I think the use
of a specially developed snuff shot is
in line with this.
It is necessary to first acquire a
plastic infant oral medicine syringe
about the size of a skinny person’s
little finger. The nozzle end of the
tube is cut off so that the entire
diameter of the shot is open. The
rubber tip is also cut from the
plunger section leaving the plastic
disk the size of the shot at its end.
Technical writing does not lend
itself well to the description of such
a fantastic device. As with all better
crack pipes, I am sure a diagram or
personal instruction from an initiated
user would be much better.
Once the shot is rendered thus
useless for baby’s health, the tube is
loaded by pushing it several times
into the open snuff can. The fix
is then injected neatly above the
front teeth in the upper lip of the
addict, creating an instant cosmetic
effect which rivals collagen. This
contributes to another variation from
popular American use. Because the
salivary glands are not aroused so
much in this position as in the lower
lip, less spit is produced. Indeed,
many Icelandic snuff dippers spit
very little or not at all. This probably
creates the greatest health threat to
the user since tobacco spit is quite
harsh on the throat and stomach.
Oral snuff has traditionally been used
as a “hands free device” for nicotine
fiends. What could be simpler to use
for a farmer or fisherman deep in
their daily toils should they so desire?
by Vance Pollock
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