Reykjavík Grapevine - 16.07.2010, Blaðsíða 4

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4
Letters
Sour grapes
and stuff
It is a bit funny to see that Grapevine’s proof-
reader is constantly mispelling Mr. Gerard
van Vliet's name. I don't know where he got
'Vooral' from, but I can assure you that is not
a Dutch name. It means 'above all'. Now, I see
you got it already wrong on June 18, but it re-
mains a curious mistake.
Jan Libbenga
Dear Jan,
Thank you for pointing this out.
Whoops!
And when we say ‘whoops!’, we don’t
say it lightly. This is really, really embarrass-
ing. What happened is that the first person
to write about Vooral (sorry, Gerard) totally
thought his first name was Vooral for some
reason (we usually trust our writers to get
their subjects’ names right. This is perhaps
a mistake). The person that then replied to
Gerard in the subsequent issue only went by
what we wrote in the former one.
This is embarrassing. Vooral, this is our
mistake. Gerard, we are sorry. Everybody.
Please?
Dear Jim Rice,
Your article in the last Grapevine issue was
such a relief! I have met Gerard Van Vliet
once and can only agree with everything that
you said about him. While he has a point in
the things he deplores, he acts in such a con-
descending way that it is even hard to bear. He
constantly talks about how much he wants to be
friends with Iceland, but then accuses everyone
and blames Icelanders for not taking his oh-so-
understanding helping hand. It's all fake. Also,
he must be quite the narcisist, considering that
he doesn't miss A SINGLE CHANCE to be on tv
with his oh-so-altruistic messages.
Anyway, I thank you for your frank article.
It spoke directly from my heart.
Best regards,
Irina
Dear Irina,
Thank you for your letter. But we are confused?
Who is this ‘Gerard’ you speak of? Do you per-
haps mean Vooral Gerard van Vliet? ‘Cuz we
definitely ran an interview with some guy called
something like that a while back.
Anyway, enjoy your weekend!
(Light)
MOST AWESOME LETTER
A buncha POLAR BEER for your thoughts
We're not gonna lie to you: we really love us some beers. Some folks would
call it a problem, but beer never gave us any problems. In fact, over the years,
it's solved most of 'em. A frosty glass of cold, frothy, bubblicious, golden-
tinted beer has consistently failed to let us down. In the immortal words of the
once-reputable Homer J. Simpson: "Mmm... Beer..."
Now, since we're real pleasant and giving folks here at the Grapevine, we
thought we'd share some wonderful POLAR BEER with you, our readers.
Not only that, you're also getting the gift of social life with it. So here's the
deal: our most awesome letter of each issue (henceforth, or until the good
people of POLAR BEER decide they don't want to play along anymore),
we will be providing our MOST AWESOME LETTER scribe with twelve frothy
POLAR BEERS, to be imbibed at a Reykjavík bar of their choice (so long as
that bar is either Bakkus or Venue). If y'all's letter is the one, drop us a line to
collect. Give us your worst: letters@grapevine.is
MOST AWESOME LETTER:
Hello Grapevine,
The wife and I visited Iceland during mid
June and I happened across your fine paper
while having a cool one at the Cafe Paris. I
had wanted to visit your beautiful little island
since I was a snotty nose brat, but due to a ri-
diculous fear of travelling at high speeds in
a shaky tube, I always chickened out. Plus
I'm just your typical working class Canadian
who could never afford to go to a country that
charged how fucking much for a single beer?
But sadly, as we all know, that nasty finan-
cial oops that occured a couple of years back
actually made your country affordable for
common schmucks like me who don't really
understand all the financial bullshit...I'm too
busy treading water myself most of the time,
and my country hasn't even financially im-
ploded...yet.
But as we travelled around the island for
our 12 day tour, I kinda made a few observa-
tions that I'd like to share with your loyal and
dedicated readers who hang off of every word
of type in the Grapevine. So here it goes boys
and girls.
Number 1. The rest of the world is not yor
enemy, and does not hate Iceland or Iceland-
ers. You might find it hard to believe, but the
vast majority of the world doesn't even know
you exist. The most press you guys ever get
is when a volcano shuts down air traffic IN
OTHER COUNTRIES. We don't care about
the destruction of farmland or that little ring
road that you try to pass off as a national high-
way. Nooooo. But the minute you go fuck-
ing with international air traffic, believe me,
Iceland is on the fucking world stage. Plus a
word of advice! Shorten the names of those
mothers.
Number 2. Your women are COOL. Now
before you go reading too much into it, I don't
mean in a good way. One of the reasons us
foreign heteros desire to travel to Iceland is
that there's this myth going around about all
the hot Viking babes that are insatiable and
prey upon unsuspecting and naive foreigners.
Now I don't know if it's the 10 months of dark-
ness or the constant grey skies you encounter
all over the island, but you don't see the ladies
smile that much in Iceland. Or maybe they
just didn't like ME?
Number 3. All North Americans are not
from California. Just because a guy dresses
like your typical Yankee tourist with blue
jeans and a baseball cap, he could be from a
lot of other places...like maybe CANADA.
You know that country that does something
Iceland never does. Wins international sports
competitions! Like Olympic Gold. Men's and
Ladies hockey. You know what I'm talking
about?
Now I know what you're thinking. You'd kick
our asses in handball. But again, the rest of
the world doesn't care about fucking handball
except maybe you guys and some Germans.
And judging by 20th century history lessons,
it's probably a good thing you guys lose to
them all the time as they can get a bit out of
hand when they get pissed, if you know what
I mean.
Number 4. And the most important ob-
servation of them all. Iceland is not an island.
Well physically maybe, but like all other parts
of the 21st century global economy we all live
in, you are inextricably intertwined with the
rest of the world. And giving that world the
one finger salute is like pissing in the wind.
Kinda leaves a warm, salty taste in the mouth
if you're not careful. And the foreign tourists
travelling through you're country, dropping
kronas like they're hot potatoes. They're not
the bad guys my friends.
Most of them are probably like most Ice-
landers. We're not all bankers or wealthy
business types looking for opportunites to
prey on a weakened and vulnerable society
that has been raked over the coals for reasons
that sound like a load of crap.
That guy with the jeans and baseball
cap might be a guy who worked hard and
scrimped and saved for YEARS, until he fi-
nally had enough in his pocket to f ly to one of
the most beautiful places on earth. And his
intention was not only to witness this beauty
first hand, but also spend his coin in a land
that deserves much better than what it has ex-
perienced the last couple of years.
Iceland is a very special place in a lot of
different ways. I experienced the best of your
people, and the worst. I saw natural beauty
that is absolutely awe inspiring...and I saw
parts of the country that rivalled some unsa-
vory parts of my own. In short, Iceland is like
no where else in this world, and is at the same
time like everywhere else. And never forget
that they will kick your ass in handball.
Shane Christensen
Toronto
Dear Shane,
Since your being Canadian is obviously some
sort of deep issue you hold, we decided to let
our Canadian journalist, Rebecca Louder, re-
ply to your letter. Canadian on Canadian ac-
tion – GO!
WOAH. Who the fuck pissed in your Presi-
dent’s Choice Blue Menu Bran Flakes? Was
it us? We are really confused by your letter! It
seems kinda hostile. Anyway, since you aired
your grievances in point form, we’re going to
let our CANADIAN JOURNALIST (you know,
that journalist from that country that sucks at
football all and has a fascist police force, appar-
ently) address them one by one:
1. Who said we thought the rest of the
world was against us? Sure, some of the rest
of the world may be against us, but certainly
not the WHOLE REST OF THE WORLD. If
the vast majority of the world does not know
we exist, well, that’s fine. We can take ‘em by
surprise. We’ll make sure to change all our
mountains’ names to make life easier for you.
2. Why do you care if the Icelandic women
acted chilly towards you? Didn’t you come
here with your WIFE!?! Were y’all looking for
a threesome with a hot local? Maybe they just
didn’t like you because you bought into some
patriarchal misogynist marketing campaign
and expected the women here to be nothing
more than fawning sex-crazed goddesses rath-
er than real human beings who require more
than an international passport and a baseball
cap to be sexually stimulated.
3. Your Canadian inferiority-to-Americans
complex is showing. Put your Maple Leafs
jersey back on and drink another Molson Ex
while hockey season is still on hiatus.
4. What the shit, man? First you tell us that
the rest of the world doesn’t know we exist and
now you tell us we are inextricably intertwined
with them? Make up your goddamn mind! If
no one knows we exist, why shouldn’t we just
piss in the wind and throw our middle fingers
up like 2pac? Man, 2pac fucking rules.
So you know, sorry your jeans and base-
ball cap were offended in some way while you
were here. Maybe you just need to get over it
and stop thinking that the countries you visit
owe you anything because you feel you worked
hard your whole life to get here.
But if we have totally read this wrong
somehow and you actually had a super awe-
some visit and love us long time, then that’s
cool. Hope it was money well spent.
PS – did you see that YouTube of that dude who
demanded to know why the Eaton Center was
closed during the G20 riots? That shit was hi-
larious! Wait, that wasn’t you... was it?